AIBU to expect more from DSD

[Quinnieq]

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

Whilst I would normally agree that older siblings shouldn’t be forced to look after younger ones, I think the current situation is very different. It’s temporary and Op is currently working from home. It’s not as if her normal childcare when working is to ask her SD. I think she should help with her siblings for an hour a day, she could help with school work or entertain them. They’re a family and in these difficult times, you need to pull together. It’s not as if she’s at college all day and then when she wants to have a social life, she’s being forced to babysit.

Op, you say you like the girl and she must like (or tolerate) you if she chose to live with you knowing you’d be at hone together all day. Maybe sit down with her when her younger siblings are in bed and explain that working from home is a challenge. Please could she help you out for an hour or so a day so you can get on uninterrupted. If approaching her directly doesn’t work, then go through your dh.

Oh and @RonnieBarkingMad, there’s always at least one awkward pain in the arse on a thread. Congratulations, tonight that is you

To be honest apart from the laptop, I don't see her causing you problems.

You would just like her to help you out with your DDs. If she wanted to she would. I don't think you should force it or she'll be resentful.

14 years is a big gap....it doesn't sound like she has much of a bond with them. This can be the case with large age gaps, especially when it's a half sibling that you haven't been raised with .

Your twins have each other...that s a positive in this situation.

I don't know how well you get on with her at the moment, but you don't want to cause a strained relationship during lockdown.

My DD is back from Uni and doesn't wake up till way past midday....I usually see her around 2 o'clock, as she's still doing assignments from Uni and stays up late.

I'm WFH.... she sorts her own lunch out.... if I had younger kids, they would be my responsibility.

She stays in her room as many of her age do.... and not all young people have the patience or desire to play with 5 year olds....even their own siblings.

If you do ask her to look after the kids...it should be as a favour for you and not something you feel she should do as a contribution for staying in her parent's house.

By no means should she create additional work for you... in terms of cooking a different meal for her...or expect you to do her laundry or anything like that.

I'm suprised she hasn't got her own laptop tbh.

You can take the laptop. She's not your babysitter, she doesn't need to watch the kids. Eat dinner together. She can help with washing up.

Why should older siblings not on occasion be required to look after siblings? I find this so bloody strange - obviously they are not nannies and shouldn't be used regularly for long stretches but is this not what being a family is about? As a parent if I was cooking and cleaning for my 19 year old who had no job there is no way I would feel any hesitation in expecting sonecresiprication from an adult child living under my roof.

No she did not ask you to gave the children, they are your responsibility not hers. She isn’t a babysitter.

If you need the laptop for work take it.

She is not your babysitter - why not? She's family not a lodger paying rent.

@Gamble66 forcing an adult sibiling to babysit is not treating them with love and respect and the only thing its going to do is breed resentment. Would you demand a friend or acquaintance to babysit your child when they don't want too? Of course not. So why would you treat your own child,your own family,your own blood with less respect than you would a friend,neighbor or acquaintance

If you are struggling to do your work with two 5 year olds, let your employer know and manage their expectations about what you can deliver at the moment.

I'm having enough employees complaining about the difficulties of WFH with young kids and we're being flexible about it.

I was one of the older siblings and sometimes got annoyed I couldn't go out, because my parents were going out and I had to look after a younger sibling.

definitely do an hour of child care a day, they are her siblings not some random children the op is foistering on her.

Gamble66 No older sibling should ever have to babysit their younger siblings. Elder children are not childcare.

If you choose to have more than one child it is your responsibility to look after all of them, not get the older ones to care for the younger ones. That is unacceptable.

I think dh needs to speak to her that you need the laptop each day during work hours.
Except for that she owes you nothing though.
You could ask her to prep lunch for everyone?

The younger siblings aren’t her responsibility but as a family, you should pull together in difficult times. The op wants help for an hour when working, not on a Friday night when her sd wants to go out with friends which would be totally different. She has no college/uni work and isn’t wfh - why is it that awful to ask for her help? I’m not talking about forcing her as you can’t force a 19 yo to do anything. I just genuinely don’t understand people’s attitudes, you can’t pick and choose when you act like a family. By the sounds of it, as ds1 (aged 3) didn’t ask for ds2 (aged 1) to be born and therefore isn’t his responsibility, I committed a heinous crime today of asking him once to pass me a nappy and then in the afternoon to get ds2’s coat from the other room so we could go into the garden 🤦‍♀️

I didn't vote because YABU to expect her to look after your children but YANBU to expect to have your laptop within your possession. I wouldn't want someone using mine unless it was urgent regardless of if I'm using it or not

I think she should definitely do more to help. Does she not like spending time with her little sisters it doesn’t have to be a chore. Kids are fun surely she can do something nice with them every day?
I have much younger siblings and through choice regularly spend time with them and always have done. I don’t agree with using siblings as childcare etc that was very much my teenage years but I did like spending time with them and doing crafts or reading with them.
Several of my siblings have lived with me for short- medium periods of time as teens and young adults they were expected to help out with things in the house. Occasional childcare if they didn’t have plans or anything else on. Nothing massively onerous but what else does she have going on in her life right now that she can’t play an hour or so with her sisters. I would say this even if you weren’t WFH.

Why should an older child not be expected to do childcare - absolutely pmsl that 'she didn't ask for them to be born' - she's an adult without a job living in a house with family for free who are struggling to work from home with two other small children. If any of you think it's unreasonable to expect an adult child to not help under thease circumstances for an hour a day then you are just fucking bonkers.
If you expect to be treated like family ie pay no rent then you act like family ie help the house as a whole.
I can so see where all thease entitled adults are being produced. She's not being asked to take on a life long reponsablity for her siblings just sit and watch bloody pepper pig and maybe make a sandwich 😂

@Leaannb while I agree the kids aren't the DSD responsibility your post is vile

Dear God you have low expectations of your children

She is another adult in the house in which case she gets a job and contributes financially or she looks after the twins for a couple of hours a day so the OP can earn money for the household.
If she wants to be treated as a ‘child’ of the family, then again she pitches in and does what she can to help out. If she was the OPs daughter then it would be taken as read that looked after her siblings and cooked meals.
Both my kids realise that things are not ideal at the moment & we have to work as a team. For example the 9yr old listens to the 6 yr old read whilst Dad cooks & I work. This wasn’t in anyone’s plan.

@shelby2010 - exactly

Asking someone living with you in the same house to simply keep and eye on other children in the house for a bit is not asking for a free babysitter. OP has not asked SD to feed, bath and put them to bed. YANBU because if you didn't ask her to do anything and she was just there doing what she want, having what she wants and you was fine with it - that's how you treat a guest - but you expecting more from her because you treat her as part of the family.
Teenager at the end of the day, will be reluctant to interact much. Also remember she used to come once a month and is now here everyday, she may need a little more time finding her comfort zone. Unfortunately your workload and having kids at the same time is going to be hard, but most parents working from home is on the same boat you just need to tell your employer you're doing as much as you can with twins on hand - they'd understand

@Gamble66 No I don't have low expectations of my children. I have very high expectations for my children and I have even higher expectations for myself and that includes taking care of my own children and my responsibilities without burdening their sibilings. On the few occasions that my older children have watched my younger children they were paid fair and market based wages for watching their sibilings. I did what I needed to do,my children were treated fairly and the older kid still got to be a young adult who was able to be a brother rather than a caretaker. No resentment involved

@leaannb - what you have done is taught your children that careing for each other is a burden that has to be financially rewarded. What you have done is made family life a transaction rather than love and support.
I have 3 of my adult children at home during this virus, all of us are contributing to the running of the house, the caring for the pets and each others well being. Weirdly none of them think they should be paid for this, it's just family life and being a responsible adult.

I'm truly sorry that you had to pay for your kids to care for each other.
I have always paid them for babysitting as teenagers but as adults they have always helped occasionally with the younger ones you know just because they like each other and I get to wash up quicker so we can hit the wine earlier

I’m forty-four and pregnant carrying a baby who’ll have adult and teenaged step brothers and sisters on both sides. If any of them come looking for babysitting wages in the future they’ll be feeling the toe of my boot up their arse.