AIBU to expect more from DSD

[Quinnieq]

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

PMSL at all the replies on here telling the OP she shouldn't be asking her 19 year old DSD to help out and contribute by looking after her little sisters for an hour a day.

MY 19 year old DSD was told, in no uncertain terms, that she would be expected to be Chief Child Minder for her 8 year old sister if me and her DF were both working full time. Which she readily agreed to, you know, seeing as she's living with us rent free and is unable to contribute financially as she is now jobless.

Luckily DH is able to work from home, but DD8 still prefers the company of her big sis and so spends most of her time mithering her to death

Those of you who think the OP is unreasonable obviously haven't grasped that we're in uncharted territory at the moment and it should be all hands to the pumps in this type of situation!

OP, your DSD is an adult, therefore you need to sit her down and spell it out for her. She can't freeload at yours and contribute fuck all for the next 6 months!

I hope you’ve taken the time to reflect on the responses you got OP

@FooFighter99

Clearly YOU live in the real world.

Hardly surprising so many young adults have difficulty in dealing with the harsh realities of life, when so many think a non-student, out of work, living at home, shouldn't be expected to contribute to the environment they live in, and others have to work to pay for.

From what you say she sounds about 14?! I'm confused why people are validating her immature and lazy behaviour. Plus she doesn't NEED. a laptop, she wants one. OP is the one who has a job and actually needs it. Why can't the SD get a job and a laptop?! At least lm getting clarity why in the workplace l meet people with no effort, get up and go or responsibility. It's from years of their parents pandering to them

Honestly @billy1966 it’s frightening isn’t it! Let’s hope OP now feels justified in reclaiming her laptop and putting DSD to some good use by having her mind the little ones for a bit. And OP’s DH should be backing her up too!

Could you pay her to babysit?

@chillicheese - of course the Op should pay her to baby sit - when she pays rent and for food.
Fucking bonkers

God forbid a 19 year old be expected to muck in with minding her own sisters to enable their mother to earn a wage

Honestly some of the answers on here. Mind boggling.

YANBU, I’d be annoyed too. DSS turns 19 in a couple of months - we haven’t seen him and won’t for a while, not sensible to mix families. But if he were here and not at his mums he wouldn’t get a free pass to do exactly as he pleases.

Absolute LOL at the suggestion to buy another laptop!

'Che's just the child', 'she's not your babysitter', 'she's already being considerate', 'be flattered she chose to live with you' (wtf???????)

I despair.

I don't run a hotel and I'm not anybody's skivvy. Everybody living in my house long term has to contribute and do their bit. Be it a child (age appropriate things), teen, partner, friend, relative or my mother. Or they can fuck off (child included). I'm not going to serve them.

I'd tell exactly that to this 19 year old ADULT who isn't doing ANYTHING to help and not contributing financially. Oh, soz, she put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher (after eating a meal OP cooked) - what a hero! Either she pulls her weight or she can fuck off back to mummy.

My parents were shit in their own ways, but one good thing they taught us: nobody owes as a living, we have to take personal responsibility for ourselves. I babysat my younger brother. Not all the time, but when needed. Parents worked hard, long hours, these were difficult times for us. No, I didn't die, didn't feel 'traumatized', I don't hate my brother or my parents for it.

We also helped parents with everything, hoovering, dusting, dish washing, cooking, lawn mawing, laundry, etc from a young age. No one worked us until we couldn't stand, but we helped. And maybe that's one of the reasons we didn't grow up to be helpless entitled shits, but capable of fully taking care of ourselves and our own.

My daughter is 7 and has her (age appropriate) responsibilities. That's how it should be, imo.

I don't want her to be like my uni mates. 20 year olds who don't know how to boil and egg, because mummy always did it for them. Or like that person on another thread. An able-bodied young adult, living with another able-bodied young adult and moaning that she cannot get a slot for food shopping. Because between two adults they cannot work it out how not to starve when you cannot get food delivered to your door. Fuck that.

She probably feels awkward not being in her own home. And she's prob bored. I'd have a family movie night with pop corn etc to get her to feel more part of things. Reserve the laptop for your work & maybe she could do an activity you set up once a day with the children,to give her & them some structure:painting, baking, dress up, face painting etc. She might not have been around small children much so will need ideas & the odd eye kept on her. Say you know how much they love their big Sis & it'd really help & be doing you a massive favour etc. Treat her like a young adult & she'll prob chill a bit & interact & not see you as the enemy.

Interesting array of responses, thank you for the useful suggestions. I used the laptop this morning for computer based work then she was welcome to it in the afternoon.
Don’t know what to say about comment my work should have supplied one. It all happened so fast with closing down the office, I just need to work on shared files in a google drive so said I was fine to access those from my own laptop and that was appreciated as there weren’t enough and other people needed them. We’ll manage though!
Any suggestions that she’s not welcomed or loved in this home are incorrect. As tempting as it is to try any convince the few who said that that its not the case I don’t think It would make any difference.
DH is on board with working on including her and getting her more involved with family life and house chores, though the plan is to reach an arrangement with her buy-in rather than dictate anything. He should get a proper day off this weekend so we’ll work it out then.

@RonnieBarkingMad
Right back at ya

My dd 22 was the laziest chore wise but even SHE happily mucks in with cleaning and cooking now our cleaner can’t come. She can see me run ragged in a unique situation. 19 is too old not to notice what’s going on...

Don’t know what to say about comment my work should have supplied one ...It all happened so fast with closing down the office, I just need to work on shared files in a google drive so said I was fine to access those from my own laptop

Don’t know what you should say?

No.

NO, my laptop is for work related jobs only so NO you can’t use it, it’s mine.

NO! You cannot carry MY laptop upstairs to your room. Who on earth do you think you are?

NO, you are not going to be “just a couple of more minutes”, I expect you to stop using my laptop when I tell you to to:IMMEDIATELY.
Why are you even agreeing, or is your company making you agreeable, to accessing shared files (assume shared securely within your company usually?) via your own computer?

ronnie, back off. You’re embarrassing yourself and harassing OP.

Ffs 19 is an adult, and do not let her have your laptop at all

OP, she could be out of work for a while, especially considering her attitude.....

In the real world ....which i definitely inhabit....its beyond highly likely, that we have a recession on the way, the likes of which hasn't been seen in generations.

Cloud cookoo land is where a lot of people are perched...the OP's DSD is very, very lucky to be so obviously cared for by the Op and her husband..

Full bed and board, and comforts ....with just a polite request to help out for an hour or two a day while the OP keeps a roof over her head when a tsunami of a recession is coming our way......

Honestly, fxxk it..cloud cookoo land is where a lot of people are inhabiting...

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m not embarrassing myself but if OP wants me to stop replying to their posts and they tell me so then I will, straight away. I’m really not harassing OP though, stop over exaggerating.

I don't think you should be roasted at all but there are some practical things that could be arranged, surely? A laptop for a start, your stepdaughter needs her own. How much she can afford I don't know but if you google 'good reconditioned laptops to buy online', all sorts of sites come up, reputable ones like Dell, and they don't cost the earth. I had a reconditioned Apple for years until I updated.

Maybe her mum and dad could help her buy one if she doesn't have the cash.

I wouldn't worry about her spending most of her time in her room, sleeping late, etc, she needs her privacy and at least she isn't getting under your feet. You say she joins you for dinner and that's good, all of you getting together in the evening for a while, siting round the table and chatting is an important part of family life.

As long as she doesn't make a mess and does her own laundry, I wouldn't worry too much. This is an uncertain time for the girl, she's bound to be self absorbed.

This won't last forever. You're doing great, working from home and caring for the twins. If she does watch them occasionally and they're just in front of the telly, it won't hurt. I found a funny joke the other day, I'm re-telling it from memory so probably less amusing from me but here goes:

Parents who feel guilty about parking children in front of the television should mute the sound and put on subtitles.
BOOM
Then they're reading!

I agree with @RonnieBarkingMad.

As I said, I have a DSS. I also have sons of my own.

They’d all get pretty short shrift if they were using a computer I needed - especially if I needed it for work!

A laptop for a start, your stepdaughter needs her own

No she doesn't! nobody needs a laptop (other than WFH OP), especially not a 19 year old who's not using it for anything important and has a phone she could use.

What is it with all this pandering? So she does nothing at all to help around the house which she lives and eats in for free, moans when OP tries to take her own laptop to work and somehow she deserves having a laptop bought for her by mum and dad? Eh?

Are people just unable to say no to their children or something? No wonder there's a poster on here who thinks you're not a proper adult until your late 20s - early 30s.

Considering she normally stays with you only once per month, she may be feeling a bit awkward around the house and is hiding herself away. I know personally that's probably what I would do! Add in that it's a really difficult time for everyone, particularly at her age as her plans have been put on hold and she doesn't know what's going to happen.

Open a dialogue with her this weekend when you're calm and haven't got work to do. She may be trying to keep her self out of the way to not inconvenience you, so maybe sit her down and discuss your expectations of her and include her in the running of the house. Maybe do a chore schedule together?

I would steer away from getting her to watch the kids if she hasn't offered, they are your children and what would you do if she wasn't there? They are your responsibility but she can help in other ways by cooking/cleaning/being the nominated weekly food shopper.

I would say that it's non negotiable that she helps round the house but as an adult you can work together to decide what jobs you do. Offer her options- "would you like to watch the kids for an hour while I do work or would you like to sort out the washing and washing up so I can do my work when I was meant to do that?" That sort of thing. May not work but might make her feel more empowered rather than being dictated to!

Btw there is a big age gap between me and my younger sister, I loved looking after her when she was little and the pest would never leave me alone anyway 😂.
I only suggested you don't ask your SD because for a lot of people younger kids are their idea of a nightmare and might make her resentful and less likely to help if she thinks she's being forced to watch kids that aren't hers. She is an adult at the end of the day so give her a choice, she may just not like kids and it wouldn't be fair on the kids to have someone look after them who was clearly disinterested and resentful. Particularly because she only sees them rarely she may not have that sibling bond due to the age gap.

1 - ask for the laptop back
2- don’t expect her to babysit your kids
3- ask that once a day she either cleans the bathroom, kitchen, or somewhere communal as she’s living in the property.

Love people giving lists with Zero explanation or reasoning 😂 don't tell your DSD what to do but let me a random on the internet give you a fucking list.