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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more from DSD

201 replies

Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 21:28

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 02/04/2020 10:04

If some of your ideas of a 'Considerate' tennager is just one that basically stays out the way my heart sincerely bleeds for them. To have raised a NT child to 19 and for them not to be able to interact with other siblings for a short period of time is tragic and setting them up for lonlineess and a total lack of life and social skills.
The fact their brains arnt yet fully developed is exactly the reason why they need encouragement and support to do the right things, to have reasonable boundaries and expectations of them by thier close adults.
Noone expects her to nanny or homeschool the children for 9 hours a day - though many a teenage nanny or nursery worker does this for a job!
This is a unique time and while scary there are lots of lessons to learn and as a family we are actually quite enjoying this time together making very unique memories. I do bet that both the 19 year old and the siblings could have some great memories of thier hour a day together in 10 years time.

Keepmeawayfromthecrisps · 02/04/2020 10:17

A 19 year old who is not working at the moment should be able to help around the house and look after their sisters for an hour a day, can’t believe some people find this unreasonable especially during a lockdown Hmm.

FairyBunnyAgain · 02/04/2020 10:27

I have a 20 year old at home who was away at uni, fortunately she has her own laptop and phone as I wouldn't be sharing mine as I need it to wfh. She is my DD not SDD
DH (her DF) is the only one of us leaving the house as he is a keyworker (not front line) so he also does the essential shopping, the rest of us only leave to walk/run.
I don't have any younger DC but I do have elderly parents and she is quite happy to deliver their shopping and check up on them twice a week. This is all done safely from 2m before anyone freaks out. At present all of her cousins have parents at home who are well and don't need any help, if this changes then she would step in.
She also doesn't have a job now and it is unlikely that her summer job will happen now so she will have to make herself useful between now and September when she should be going back
Whilst she keeps to her room during the day, as we all do she appears at tea time and helps.

greenlynx · 02/04/2020 11:24

I think you need a rota for the laptop with you taking absolute priority, maybe look into buying another laptop or tablet if you can afford it but I understand it may not be so simple.
14 years is an awkward gap.not all 19 years old are good with small children, I have the same gap with my nephew and I really struggled to play with him, also I’m not good in play, even now with my own DD. So keeping an eye on twins while they are playing/ snacking/ watching TV is ok imo.
I would gently ask her about her plans but won’t press for job right now it’s a tricky time, she might feel nervous. Could she take on lunch for the whole family? Ask her if she maybe wants a rota for using living room or garden to do yoga or whatever, to show her that the rota thing works both ways at the moment.
I think she genuinely likes you as she agreed to share space with you for such a long time and especially with her 5 years old sisters, tbh I would think twice about it. Smile

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2020 11:57

What’s she using your laptop for? Worth knowing before spending money you may not have if she’s on Facebook or reading the news on it.

paininthepoinsettia · 02/04/2020 12:18

@Gamble66 the OP said the dsd normally only visits once a month, which really isn't conducive to a 'normal' family life where there is lots of interaction. The dsd most likely doesn't have the connection/bond with her siblings that those living together would have.

MrsPeacockDidIt · 02/04/2020 12:40

Being an adult living, for free, in (one of) family homes comes with pros and cons. She isn't paying for rent, or food, or utilies. So instead she has to contribute to the family home in other ways in the way of chores. I personally don't see anything wrong with older siblings helping out with younger ones, especially in extraordinary circumstance like now. However if she doesn't want to do that then she does other household chores that would give the OP more time to spend with the younger children. No-one in the house should get to laze around for hours on end if there is stuff that needs doing.

The fact she is DSD is irrelevant, she has chosen to live in this family home for the time being (and use the family laptop) so should act like a full member of the family.

ErickBroch · 02/04/2020 12:46

Can't your employer courier you a laptop? They need to make sure people can WFH it's not your responsibility

Gamble66 · 02/04/2020 12:53

@paininthepoinsettia well now would be a bloody good time to start. Unless the dsd has some major MH it additional needs it should not be beyond her with a little gentle direction to occupy any kids for an hour let alone children she has seen presumably pretty regularly since they were born in Thier own house with both parents on call if absolutely necessary.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 12:54

They need to make sure people can WFH it's not your responsibility

OP can work from home, she has a laptop. DSD can use her phone, watch TV, do any manner of other things. A 19 year old using the laptop to Skype her boyfriend or whatever she's doing, doesn't really trump OPs need to use the computer for work (which pays the bills).

She really won't collapse into a heap and wither away without access to a computer for the day (she can use it in the evening surely?). She has a phone.

ErickBroch · 02/04/2020 13:02

@LittleMcJiggle I agree the teen does not need the laptop but in GENERAL employers have to make it suitable for employees to wfh. What if the laptop broke? They'd have to sort it out. Would just be one way of relieving some of the stress around it.

Personally I was not like this as a teen and yes I was from divorced parents who both re-married and had new kids. Loved my siblings and helped out where I could. So I do think she is being unreasonable.

CottonSock · 02/04/2020 13:03

My 6 yo is helping more with her 3 yo sister than your dsd. I think she should be expected to do more.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 13:07

What if the laptop broke? They'd have to sort it out. Would just be one way of relieving some of the stress around it

But it hasn't broke... People are suggesting OP either buys another laptop or gets her employer to send out another simply so the 19 year old DSD who's doing nothing to help out or contribute at all, gets to sit on one in her room all day.

It's unnecessary pandering. The 19 year old will have to do something else whilst the laptop is in use. No one should be wasting money either buying, or getting their employer to send another laptop purely because a 19 year old can't share the one at home.

No wonder there's such entitlement these days. I would have just been told plain and simple that my mum needs the laptop for work, tough luck, find something else to do and that really would have been the end of the discussion.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 13:09

I cannot for the life of me imagine a scenario where my parents would have spent money buying another laptop just so that I, at 19, wouldn't have to share the one in the house so that my mum could use it to work. Are parents really that soft these days or am I just really hard? I don't know.

AdriannaP · 02/04/2020 13:25

It’s unreasonable for an employer to expect someone to WFH woth their private laptop. I have worked from home for years for different organisations and never have I used my private laptop. Isn’t that also a security issue in most industries?

FlockofGulls · 02/04/2020 13:32

Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that

This is bad behaviour: you are working, and no way should you have to ask a lounging-around teenager, who is not really contributing, for your laptop in order for you to keep on earning money (which is feeding & housing her!).

She sounds pretty lazy & self-centred generally, though. Not really contributing to the family - can her father have a chat with her?

But I know my undergrads are all reporting feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Aren't we all? Grin

Stickybeaksid · 02/04/2020 13:32

@Adrianna I work for a very large finance company and we all use our own laptops. We log in through a secure website so no laptop needed. My dh is the same

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 13:33

I've been working from home with my own laptop. Work sent me a code for their antivirus software and I had to log in to their systems.

cultkid · 02/04/2020 13:42

@RonnieBarkingMad I would prefer a garden and more stable internet then the opposite..
That's snobby

Don't be nasty to the OP
She's written this because she does care about her step daughter and she wants to improve things

Why don't you ask her if she fancies a wine and movie with you this week at home for a few hours after the kids went to bed

TellLucyILoveHer · 02/04/2020 13:55

I cannot for the life of me imagine a scenario where my parents would have spent money buying another laptop just so that I, at 19, wouldn't have to share the one in the house so that my mum could use it to work. Are parents really that soft these days or am I just really hard? I don't know

Depends on a lot of things I guess. I bought my kids their own laptops because I can afford it, I can't be bothered dealing with arguments over sharing, and I think they're kind of a must-have thing.

Macncheeseballs · 02/04/2020 14:11

Especially now

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 14:14

Our kids have laptops TellLucy. They got them for Christmas (don't agree that they are a must have thing but whatever).

The point is that if for whatever reason we had a shared family laptop, I wouldn't be spending money at a time like this, or asking my employer to sort an alternative laptop, simply so my 19 year old child (adult) didn't have to share when they had a phone, TV, books, whatever.

TellLucyILoveHer · 02/04/2020 14:19

The point is that if for whatever reason we had a shared family laptop, I wouldn't be spending money at a time like this, or asking my employer to sort an alternative laptop, simply so my 19 year old child (adult) didn't have to share when they had a phone, TV, books, whatever.

Ok. But you did originally ask:

Are parents really that soft these days or am I just really hard? I don't know

Which is what I was responding to I guess. I don't think it's either. I just think people are in different circumstances, have different priorities, etc.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/04/2020 14:22

"Fuck the 'she's not your baby sitter ' brigade. She's 19 with no job living in the family home."

Yep, she needs to either contribute in chores or her share of money for extra food & water etc

No healthy adult child or step-child should freeload

"Reclaim the damn laptop it's intended for your job not her entertainment-she has a phone she can use"

Regardless of "family laptop" if you need it for work, then you keep it during your working hours
and then she can have the same share of "entertainment hours" on it as other family memebers

1FootInTheRave · 02/04/2020 14:45

She's an adult and needs to get a bloody job!

Ridiculous situation.