AIBU to expect more from DSD

[Quinnieq]

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

Normally I would say it isn’t fair to expect an older sibling to be a constant babysitter, but these are not normal times.

I am currently doing shopping for various people where we live as they are vulnerable. In normal circumstances they would be doing their own shopping but everyone needs to step up where they can at the moment.

There are many parents across the land trying to help educate their children, again having to step up.

So this teenager needs to step up. It’s not like she has anything else to do! She is not contributing financially or practically or indeed helping anyone in society.

The OP isn’t suggesting that she be asked to mind her sisters constantly though; she’s suggesting that she watch them for an hour a day while she works. That’ll be the same work that’s paying for the food she’s eating, electricity she’s using etc etc. I cannot get over the attitudes of some of the posters on here. These are her own younger sisters we’re talking about, ffs.

Could she afford to buy her own laptop or could you now request one to be sent to you from work? I think that would help.

Ask her to watch the children for a while every now and then but don't worry if they have the TV on, there will be plenty of children doing more of that right now. When the weather is good they can play in the garden while she sits in a deck chair.

As long as the girl doesn't make a mess, let her do her own thing even if that does involve sleeping late.

Take care.

I think YABU. This current time is hard for everybody, it’s so life draining and boring so I don’t think you can blame her for sleeping late and staying in her room. Or expect her to look after your kids.

Re the laptop, if it’s your property just take it back and be the one who lends it to her rather than vice versa

Totally agree with Gamble66. I've got young adult DC's home from uni just now, and they're pitching in with their younger siblings, 10 & 12. I can't think of any good reason why they wouldn't be? Ds1 helped dd2 with Maths for an hour this afternoon - he's much better at multiplying fractions than I am. Then, late afternoon, they all sat together and watched Home Alone while I got on with cooking. That's not "expecting free babysitting", it's expecting all members of the family to muck in at a difficult time, and help each other out. Neither of the older ones are contributing financially, nor would I expect them to - but, I'd be a little unhappy if they just sat up in their rooms without a thought or consideration for anyone else. Thankfully, they're not like that, and seem to (mostly!) enjoy the company of their little brother and sister.

Tell her that you need the laptop back, and exclusive use of it to WFM throughout the day. If there is a space in the evening when you don;t use it, then maybe she has it then - but I suspect she can do most stuff on her phone. I don't think you've said how far her way her Mother lives - if it's not too far, collecting her laptop from home might reduce tension.

Have a conversation that if she wants to live with you and be part of the family, you do expect her to pull her weight, it's not quite the same as staying over for a weekend.
Give her some suggestions, and let her come up with a solution - maybe young children aren't her thing, hence avoiding lunches, but cooking a couple of times a week, doing the washing or hoovering would work out.
Having a conversation with your partner first, so that you are both on the same side and she doesn't have the opportunity to play you off one against the other would probably be a good move, even if you handle the conversation about her helping out yourself.\

Staying in her room a lot and eating some meals is just standard teenage behaviour isn't it? Especially in a house with a step-parent that you usually only stay at one weekend a month! I don't see why you'd take issue with that, really.

Laptop would be a problem for me, the rest, meh. Couldn't get too worked up about it.

OP.hrth buy take is if she has chosen to.be at your home she should behave as part of the family. 1 hour to spend with the DC's is nothing of an ask. At all.
As for your laptop, she might.download loads of crap and expend the memory and render it useless like my ds has done to about 5 of mine
She is 19 not 10. What does dp say?
You say you are fond of her. Heart to heart?
You are being soft with her. It's a difficult time for many of us though and this issue needs resolved before she makes things unbearable in your home.

@Gamble66

I can so see where all thease entitled adults are being produced. She's not being asked to take on a life long reponsablity for her siblings just sit and watch bloody pepper pig and maybe make a sandwich

You have just absolutely made all of that up. If you have a point, make it, but don’t make things up just because it suits your argument. You have literally plucked that sentence out of thin air because you think it makes you sound good. Or else where did you get that from, from the OPs posts?

Ronnie you’re coming across as a right twat.

Ronnie, get a bloody grip on yourself.

Oh and RonnieBarkingMad, there’s always at least one awkward pain in the arse on a thread. Congratulations, tonight that is you

Just because I don’t agree that the OP should get free babysitting and expect a free teacher? I have a different opinion that you do. So what? Does it matter?

She sounds like she is using your house like a hotel.
Yes, I do believe she should be helping out with her younger sisters; I think she is taking the piss by not getting involved.
Your husband really needs to spend some quality time with her, but also lay down some boundaries/ground rules.
I can't imagine the situation is that great for your step-daughter, but she chose to stay with you and all choices have consequences.

Why isn’t she working?

She sounds like a typical teenager. It would be nice for her to offer to look after your twins while you work but if she's not willing you can't force her. The laptop, on the other hand is yours and you need it for work. If she were my child, step or otherwise, and she huffed and puffed about giving it back when i wanted it, I would ban her from using it at all.

Of course she's not an unpaid baby sitter.....SHE IS THEIR SISTER .....of course she should be helping out she's 19 !!!!!

Nobody is suggesting that the children are her "responsibility" but she is an adult in a house with two working parents, and should pull her weight.

I have a 12 year old with a 6 year old sister. Very often the 12 year old will keep an eye on the 6 year old whilst I'm doing something. Is that not normal? Older siblings keeping an eye on younger siblings? Has that not been happening for thousands of years?

It wouldn't bother me if keeping an eye on them meant watching a film or something. But I would expect a 19 year old who is sitting in the house all day to make sure younger siblings were entertained enough to not interrupt the person who is working.

She's sitting in anyway.

She can sit on the couch just as easily as she can sit on her bed.

SHE IS THEIR SISTER

Exactly, she is their sister not their mother.

I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking an older sibling to watch their brother/sister's for an hour or so. Families pitch in and help each other.
You cook for her, why shouldn't she help you out? That's what families do. It's an hour a day, not 12 hours!

I've just had a FB memory come up if my 6 year old autistic boy making a sandwich lunch for himself and his 7 year old more severely autistic sister. Since then, he's done that about once a month. He also helps out with his sister in lots of other ways if I'm busy working. This is because we are a family. I do alot for him and he recognises that sometimes I need a hand.

If a Primary school age child is capable with helping out with their siblings then a 19 yo should absolutely be expected to.

God I wish you were my 18 yr old dds stepmum! You sound lovely and really thoughtful.
Dd wouldn't in a million years choose to self isolate with her dad & stepmum but if she did she would be expected to look after her three much younger siblings all day. This is always done in a 'oh look how sweet they want to play with you' way. Her stepmum doesn't work but there is no way she'd even ask to use her laptop!

I think asking for an hours help is reasonable? It's a time for families to help one another. But maybe try and get her involved more in general, would she enjoy watching a box set with you, having a drink in the evening maybe?
Could you work out a way to share the laptop? Talk to her about it and come up with a flexible timetable!

With regards to her eating in her room etc This is very typical behaviour, I have 2 older teens and they both need a lot of space, particularly at the moment. Their online life is literally keeping them sane at the moment and they both desperately miss their friends.
I always make a point of 'regrouping' at some point in the day, either for a meal, film & popcorn etc but largely accept that they want to do their own thing and try hard to remember how important my friends & social life was at that age!

I'd say there are two issues.

1. The laptop
2. Her contributing to the household.

1. This is easy. Your laptop for work first and foremost. She can borrow it evenings and weekends (or whenever is convenient for you).

1. I'd be getting dh to tell her that she helps within thebhosuehold each day. She can choose:-

* the supermarket shop * 2 hours of entertaining the little ones * the laundry (wash/dry/put away) * the evening meal (prep/cook/clear up).

Each day she picks which one she does that day and does it. Seven days a week.

What mascotte said

Since when is it unacceptable to ask an older sibling to help out by watching younger siblings for an hour or so? Sometimes Mumsnet is completely batshit. You need a family meeting OP and your DH needs to lead it. She should be helping with meals and the little kids. No decent adult and she is one would act how she is acting. My 16 year old DSS will happily play with his 3 year old little sister.

As a family member, she needs to pitch in and help the family. She should be doing a bit of housework, some cooking and a half hour here and there of lessons or games with her sisters is a damn fine idea. (An hour can be a long time, start smaller). Still leaves plenty of time for sequestering herself in her room with her phone (and not the OP's laptop).

Some people have disturbingly low expectations of teenagers. And of family.

OP I'm laughing (in a nice way) at you equating her teaching the twins lessons as "quality time together". Most parents are pulling their hair out doing this, let alone a 19 year old who ordinarily only sees her half sisters once a month! By your own admission she isn't creating any mess, tidys after herself and keeps a low profile; she sounds like an exemplary teen! The laptop issue aside I think YABU.

OP - take the laptop back. It's yours for working. If you want to lend it to DSD after working hours, that's up to you. But if you're being paid to work, then you should be working.

Is there a chance that you could get a laptop from work? DSD can watch her sisters for the time it takes you to go in and get it?

TBH i wouldn't expect anyone DD or DSD to live contribution free in the family home. It doesn't have to be a monetary contribution though.

Its not unreasonable to ask her to keep an eye on her sisters from time to time. Everyone has to do that in families where theres more than one child (and as for the PP who pays her older kids "market-based wages" for keeping an eye on their siblings - i can just imagine my mum's face if i had suggested she pay me NMW to play with my sisters!).

Just go and get your laptop back - workers benefit over shirkers! I also like the suggestion of sitting down with her in the evening and having an adult chat with her, getting her input. My 17 year old spends most of her time in her room, but she comes down to eat with us every night, and we chat, tell stupid jokes, play cards or a board game, etc. I'll be back at work next week, so we're trying to maximise our family time now.

I agree with you OP there needs to be an all in it together approach.
I would expect your stepdd to pitch in with cooking cleaning and maybe 1 or 2 hours of babysitting a day. I wouldn't be prescriptive about what she does with the twins though and watching tv or playing would be ok with me.

It would be really good to draw up a daily schedule for you all. You can allocate her some regular laptop time each day but she doesn't get to monopolise it.