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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incredibly sad. (Might be triggering)

186 replies

Molliemoo10 · 31/03/2020 13:05

This year was the last year for DH and I to try for NHS funded fertility treatment.

Due to the virus we are basically fucked.

My GP told us that the rules for treatment had become incredibly strict and she had already had two people refused in the last month (this was about a month before lockdown)
I'm 35, 36 this year and apparently as 35 is the cut off age the fertility clinic won't even look at it after I'm 36.

So basically we've got until October when I have my 36th birthday.

Obviously the virus looks likely to cause issues until at least September...do you see where I'm going here?

We have missed our chance due to this virus and there is no way we could afford to get help privately.

And before anyone starts, yes we wbu to leave it so late but other issues meant we couldn't try for help sooner.

I understand this isn't really AIBU but I really need a good bit of MN pragmatism and AIBU is the best place to get that!

OP posts:
BeyonceKnows · 31/03/2020 13:08

I'm so sorry OP. That must be incredibly hard for you. I have no experience or advice but didnt want to to leave you without a response.
And just to add YWNBU to "leave it so late", this is a sad enough time, there's no benefit to placing blame/guilt upon yourself Flowers

Kannet · 31/03/2020 13:10

I thought the cut off was 39. Have you had a second opinion from another dr

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/03/2020 13:11

@BeyonceKnows is right - go easy on yourself, @Molliemoo10.

This virus is having a negative impact on people's lives in so many ways, and I don't blame you at all for feeling depressed about how it has affected you.

FTMF30 · 31/03/2020 13:13

Please don't be offended as I'm clueless in this area but. . .are 100% sure you're infertile? Even if the odds are stacked agsinst you both, now might be a great time to ramp up the conventional baby making attempts.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/03/2020 13:16

I think that must be a local age limit rather than national. Its possible there will be flexibility to allow for couples in your position, surely?

Sorry to pry but is natural conception impossible? I know people for whom health issues made it extremely unlikely and yet they did conceive naturally. Never say never. Nonetheless - hand hold for this being really really shirty.

DramaAlpaca · 31/03/2020 13:16

I'm so sorry, that must be very difficult. I've no advice, just Flowers

AngstyAnnie · 31/03/2020 13:16

I'm so sorry OP. I was just saying to my DH how there will be so many people that need help with other medical issues, who will be screwed over because of this virus. It's such bad luck that this would happen to you now Sad

As far as pragmatism- is there absolutely nothing you could start planning to do to raise the funds privately? Loans, borrow from family, downsize house, sell a car or something? Im clutching at straws here as I know fertility treatment is incredibly expensive. I hope your luck turns somehow Flowers

Besom · 31/03/2020 13:18

I so sorry if this turns out to be the case.

Marylou2 · 31/03/2020 13:20

Please don't give up. Where there's a will there's a way. Can you borrow against your mortgage? Borrow from family/parents? Would you consider egg sharing? Crowdfunding? Write to your CCG and ask if the virus can be considered an exceptional circumstance. Sell your story to the Daily Mail with sad face if needed. I'm not being sarcastic in any way as I've been in your shoes. Do everything it takes to at least get a shot at parenthood.

Wineiscooling · 31/03/2020 13:41

I feel for you, both my babies were fertility treatment, my mum and sister paid for the treatment for my 2nd as we weren't entitled to treatment on NHS at all as my husband had 2 children from previous marriage. We put all the treatment for 1st on credit cards so without help to pay for the 2nd he wouldn't be here.
Don't give up OP where there's a will there's a way. I know I was lucky to have help but there may be a way for you.
But I also understand your despair, I've been there

LouiseTrees · 31/03/2020 13:46

If you need advice PM me. Have you tried being put on chlomid etc. The age cut off will be for things like ivf not all assistance. They should still be able to do other things to assist at the moment. Also there are a lot of Facebook groups around infertility for a support network.

Poppi89 · 31/03/2020 13:47

That is so sad! Do you think they will extend the age limit by a few months considering that it's completely out of your hands.

Original poster
Molliemoo10 · 31/03/2020 13:50

I'm not sure if it's national but my Doctor definitely had two others refused. The clinic told her that 35 is the cut off. I suppose it's like everything in the NHS, underfunded and having to turn people away. I understand it makes sense to give the chance to others more likely for the treatment to work.

We have been trying for 5 years so I'm pretty sure it's unlikely that we will ever conceive naturally, but then its not like I can get tests from the fertility clinic to find out.
Add onto that my cycle has now completely stopped but the hormone blood tests have come back as fine, I don't know I've just sort of given up TBH. This virus feels like the final nail.

OP posts:
Wiaa · 31/03/2020 13:55

I had my nhs round of ivf at 39 i also paid for 1 round too later the same year so this sounds like your local trusts rules so you may have to lobby them or your mp to relax the rule. Do you mean you were about to start ivf or fertility treatment in general? If you haven't done any of the tests and other treatments/procedures available these may not have the same age restrictions. For a little ray of hope heres a quick overview of my journey.
Married at 35 (together 5yrs prev ttc for 2yrs b4 marriage) started fertility tests and treatments same year as wedding these took around 3yrs. Had 2 rounds of ivf in 2015 age 39(1 funded 1 paid) 1st unsuccessful 2nd missed miscarriage. Then found out i was 13wks pregnant natural conception in nov 2015 and went on to have another natural pregnancy last year.

Foldinglaundryisnotforme · 31/03/2020 13:59

Look into taking myo-inisotol supplement in the meantime. I took it for my pcos when trying to conceive and I found it regulated my cycle but u have to consistently take it for a long period of time. It works better when taken with folic acid

Mum2threepinkies · 31/03/2020 14:08

So sorry to hear this. Don't just go on your GPs advice, call a bourn hall clinic, even if you don't have one in your area they are the best and the best for advice, I think so anyway as they were there for us for years. Good luck to you both xx

PeterPanGoesWrong · 31/03/2020 14:26

Don’t write off all your options.

Do you live near to the boarder of another county? Sometimes other counties have different nhs authorities and that can mean different options for you. Maybe moving a few miles could make a difference.
(Lincolnshire is very good at looking after infertility patients)

Look at your private options, don’t just instantly dismiss them as ‘too expensive’ , you could think about remortgaging for a few grand, just for a final fling So to speak.

Sometimes (and I’ve known it happen lots) it just happens when you stop thinking about it! Honestly, it really does, you’re both still young and have time to get pregnant naturally.
Finally, I know it hurts, but not being a mum is not the be all and end all. You can travel, you’ll have a beautiful home, you’ll have Sunday mornings in bed, you’ll have money in the bank, you’ll have impromptu nights out without the need for organising childcare and you’ll have deep sleep.

Please try to relax and look at other options. You still have options. I wish you well. Flowers

dentydown · 31/03/2020 14:39

Have you looked at treatments abroad? Cyprus, Turkey?

applecrumbler · 31/03/2020 14:41

Classic infertility advice from @peterpangoeswrong there Hmm

PanicOnTheStreets85 · 31/03/2020 14:55

There's not a lot you can do at the moment other than wait and see what the lay of the land is like when things calm down.

Not that it will be easy to deal with the waiting and uncertainty of course. You might find the infertility board on Mumsnet more helpful than AIBU as AIBU attracts a wider audience Flowers

Clearthinking · 31/03/2020 15:17

Have you had any tests, lap and dye for example? Husband fertility tests? Clomid?

NowSissyThatWalk · 31/03/2020 15:21

I'm sorry to see this, and yes another thing that this bloody virus has impacted that people don't immediately think of.
If you feel up to it, can you adopt? I would expect the already very high numbers of children needing safe homes will only increase after this.

DragonflyInn · 31/03/2020 15:54

So sorry op, I really feel for you. Do do a bit of research - look up your NHS Trust IVF policies so you have a solid understanding of them. Your GP might be able to refer you to a different clinic. You might be able to write and challenge the cut off age given the exceptional times and how close you are to the age. We had to fight quite hard to get our NHS treatment but we got there in the end. Good luck x

Frenchw1fe · 31/03/2020 15:55

My dil is adopted and has an older adopted db. She also has a db 5 years younger conceived by her adoptive parents.
Her parents had given up hope of conceiving at least 9 years before their ds was born.
Wishing you luck.

manicinsomniac · 31/03/2020 16:02

I'm really sorry. It's terrible how much 'ordinary', really important medical care can no longer be available at the moment Sad

Maybe the companies will consider allowing people who were at the cut off this year to have a year's grace due to the circumstances.

I hesitate to even post this because I know other people's stories are just anecdata and not necessarily helpful at all but I am friends with three couples who believed themselves infertile - one woman got pregnant after they had tried for 6 years, one after 8 and one after 11!! The odds are stacked against you for sure but it does happen - and not that rarely either, from my experience.