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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incredibly sad. (Might be triggering)

186 replies

Molliemoo10 · 31/03/2020 13:05

This year was the last year for DH and I to try for NHS funded fertility treatment.

Due to the virus we are basically fucked.

My GP told us that the rules for treatment had become incredibly strict and she had already had two people refused in the last month (this was about a month before lockdown)
I'm 35, 36 this year and apparently as 35 is the cut off age the fertility clinic won't even look at it after I'm 36.

So basically we've got until October when I have my 36th birthday.

Obviously the virus looks likely to cause issues until at least September...do you see where I'm going here?

We have missed our chance due to this virus and there is no way we could afford to get help privately.

And before anyone starts, yes we wbu to leave it so late but other issues meant we couldn't try for help sooner.

I understand this isn't really AIBU but I really need a good bit of MN pragmatism and AIBU is the best place to get that!

OP posts:
opticaldelusion · 31/03/2020 17:03

OP, you absolutely apply to your CCG for an extension. I'd suggest a year. Your reasoning being that the pandemic has made pursuing this impossible and that effectively treatment has been postponed.

I genuinely believe you'll have a very good case. Do not just accept a GP or consultant's word that you're too late. If you're told this, you appeal.

Good luck. My wonderful son is an IVF baby. It's a subject that's dear to my heart.

opticaldelusion · 31/03/2020 17:04

A neighbour of mine went to Spain for IVF, it was (apparently) a quarter of the cost that it is in the UK

This would surprise me. Spain is a fertility specialist with amazing clinics. The price is comparable to the UK.

LouiseTrees · 31/03/2020 17:05

@Molliemoo10 try chlomid or norethisterone or a range of different medications, provera, metformin. All help to start and stop bleeding and might jump start your cycle. Ask at the GP if you can try these.

lentenwonder · 31/03/2020 17:05

Rationing through the back door. I imagine op has torn herself apart with ‘it’s your weight/your diet/your stress/youyouyou’ after 5 years.

GrumpyHoonMain · 31/03/2020 17:05

This would surprise me. Spain is a fertility specialist with amazing clinics. The price is comparable to the UK.

Fertility drugs are a lot cheaper in Spain and India which is why the overall cost of treatment is often lower. But the basic initial part of IVF / ICSI tends to cost the same in most if not all English speaking countries.

browzingss · 31/03/2020 17:06

As we are in unprecedented times they may make an exception

opticaldelusion · 31/03/2020 17:06

Remember too, OP, that the money that's in the CCG's budget for IVF isn't being spent on other people. All IVF will be on hold so the money will still be there when things eventually return to some sort of normal.

Lynda07 · 31/03/2020 17:08

I don't much about this subject but what NicLondon1 says does seem very interesting and at the very least, it won't hurt. I'm sure a lot depends on why you are having fertility problems and I'm not going to ask, that is your business.

You have my sympathy, Mollie, no advice from me because I'm not qualified to give it, I expect you have had plenty during your journey.

All the very best Flowers.

opticaldelusion · 31/03/2020 17:08

Fertility drugs are a lot cheaper in Spain and India which is why the overall cost of treatment is often lower. But the basic initial part of IVF / ICSI tends to cost the same in most if not all English speaking countries

Yes, I'd agree with this. It will depend on drugs needed as to how much the bill might vary. You'd need a fuck of a lot to make it a quarter of the price... Grin

LocalHobo · 31/03/2020 17:09

Ukraine offers the best value IVF.
It is very popular with Scandinavian couples, and I know quite a few who have had success, one colleague was 42.

underthepatio · 31/03/2020 17:09

I know it's not what you want to hear, but after trying everything including ivf, we turned to adoption and were lucky enough over the next eight years to adopt three babies. They weren't related, they were all healthy and aged between 1 month and 12 months.

They are all adults now and we are grandparents. They are everything to us. I wanted my own baby. I wanted to be pregnant. But I wouldn't swap my three for anything. I hope you get your ivf treatment, but if not there are other ways to be parents. sending hugs.

FUCorona · 31/03/2020 17:10

OP, have you had a HyCosy? We were trying for a long time with unexplained infertility until a private clinic advised trying a HyCosy. The process normally identies any blockages but the act of pumping ink into the Fallopian tubes can in itself clear unidentifiable blockages. It happened to me and I conceived the very next cycle. It also coincidentally happened to a friend of mine, and the clinic said there is plenty of research showing this does happen sometimes. If you haven't had a HyCosy it would definitely be worth paying privately for one. Probably around £300 depending on where you are. Sorry if you knew all this already. Good luck Thanks

catswhiskers15 · 31/03/2020 17:11

Firstly, I want to say I am truly sorry to read this. Second, you didn't leave it too late. I was at the same age starting tests and then a bit later ivf/imsi. Life doesn't always give us the opportunities to start a family/find a partner/ etc. Ignore any comments on your age. I would definitely ask your G.P to write a letter to your commissioning group as Covid 19 is a very exceptional circumstance with regard to delaying your treatment! Third, If at some point you and your partner are able to go private, The lister Hospital has some great consultants. I wish you every success and hope that the pandemic is treated as an exceptional circumstance and you get your treatment/tests when everything has calmed down. Flowers

InescapableDeath · 31/03/2020 17:12

Big hugs OP. I remember when mine had to be delayed for a single month - nothing now in hindsight, and I wept and wept at the time. I'd be devastated too. 'When' this is all over, I'd possibly look at going abroad.

Thisgirlcanrun · 31/03/2020 17:14

Don’t lose hope OP! We are in similar situation in that we started IVF journey in February and were due for my husband to do repeat sperm sample in April - that has been put on hold for moment - we have managed to freeze 17 of my eggs (obviously don’t know what chances of success would now be if my husband manages to produce a good quality semen sample) we are 34 this year and although we are just under I think it would be reasonable to contact your local IVF clinic/CCG and ask them about funding etc - because this virus pandemic is affecting everything and it is NOT your fault xx Flowers

JoanieCash · 31/03/2020 17:15

Could you ask your GP to initiate some of the tests now that would get ball rolling. They could do full hormone profile, and a pelvic ultrasound if you’ve not had one. If there’s something obvious there at least that would be a start. They can also send your partner for a sperm test

dontdisturbmenow · 31/03/2020 17:16

OP, you need to Google assisted conception policy criteria and your CCG. I've never heard of an age criteria being lower than 39. Others could have been turned down for other reasons.

At least you need to be sure before making any decisions.

Healthyandhappy · 31/03/2020 17:24

Have a look at adoption doesnt mean u wont ever be a parent u can provide a child who hasnt had a loving home with a loving home. Must be so hard.

Manchestermanchester · 31/03/2020 17:27

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FlamingoAndJohn · 31/03/2020 17:28

it’s with best intentions so no need to be so rude about it

Yes it is with the best of intentions but it is hugely insensitive so I will be as rude as I like thank you.

opticaldelusion · 31/03/2020 17:29

Have a look at adoption doesnt mean u wont ever be a parent u can provide a child who hasnt had a loving home with a loving home

You have a fucking look at adoption. Are you providing a child like this with a loving home??

I fucking hate this anodyne, thoughtless 'advice' to women who are going through infertility. The OP wants her own baby. Perhaps one day she might consider adoption. Who knows. But the two are not equivalent and you don't just think 'oh well, not to worry, I'll just adopt'. It's a disservice to all those wonderful people who do adopt and to the children who need a home. They are not some second-best option after your own attempt to have biological children fails.

Really, really gets my fucking goat.

FTMF30 · 31/03/2020 17:32

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GrumpyHoonMain · 31/03/2020 17:35

@Healthyandhappy - I hope you remembered your advice when you thought about having kids.

MarieQueenofScots · 31/03/2020 17:35

Please can people stop suggesting adoption as a magic cure for the infertile.

It is hugely ignorant and offensive.

I'm so sorry OP, it is utterly shit. It may be they might be willing to allow you a few months over in such extenuating circumstances - certainly something I would want to explore if nothing else to give myself closure from the "what if I had asked"

opticaldelusion · 31/03/2020 17:35

Finally, I know it hurts, but not being a mum is not the be all and end all. You can travel, you’ll have a beautiful home, you’ll have Sunday mornings in bed, you’ll have money in the bank, you’ll have impromptu nights out without the need for organising childcare and you’ll have deep sleep

Anyone got a wall I can bang my head against? One that's got massive letters on it saying 'IGNORANT, CLUELESS BOLLOCKS'.