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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incredibly sad. (Might be triggering)

186 replies

Molliemoo10 · 31/03/2020 13:05

This year was the last year for DH and I to try for NHS funded fertility treatment.

Due to the virus we are basically fucked.

My GP told us that the rules for treatment had become incredibly strict and she had already had two people refused in the last month (this was about a month before lockdown)
I'm 35, 36 this year and apparently as 35 is the cut off age the fertility clinic won't even look at it after I'm 36.

So basically we've got until October when I have my 36th birthday.

Obviously the virus looks likely to cause issues until at least September...do you see where I'm going here?

We have missed our chance due to this virus and there is no way we could afford to get help privately.

And before anyone starts, yes we wbu to leave it so late but other issues meant we couldn't try for help sooner.

I understand this isn't really AIBU but I really need a good bit of MN pragmatism and AIBU is the best place to get that!

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 31/03/2020 20:40

Yes there are children in need of adopting and people who can't conceive - but it's not as simple as putting the two together. They are different issues. Adoption exists for children, not for infertile couples. It's a damn sight more complicated than rocking up to an agency, filling in a few forms and walking away with the child of your choice.

Healthyandhappy · 31/03/2020 20:56

Ask about that tablet that makes u ovulate not sure about the name?

EarlGreyT · 31/03/2020 20:58

OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this position it’s truly shit.

But for fucks sake. This thread is infertility bingo.

Adopt- tick,
lie ins— tick,
holidays- tick,
relax- tick,
have you tried x,y,z- tick,
I know a couple who had 2000 cycles of IVF gave up and got pregnant with twins- tick tick tick.

I think I might combust.

NONE OF THESE COMMENTS ARE IN ANYWAY HELPFUL TO ANYONE WITH INFERTILITY.

EarlGreyT · 31/03/2020 21:04

@LostInTheWoods1. I’m with @SerenDippitty.

They quite clearly used donor eggs. And of course the children look like their mum, the clinics are very very good at choosing a donor who is phenotypically like the recipient. The chance of a successful own egg pregnancy in someone with 20 years of infertility, multiple failed IVF cycles (when their eggs were younger and therefore of better quality) and aged 47 is vanishingly small.

twinkledag · 31/03/2020 21:04

I agree with some of the comments on here being incredibly annoying.

I've not used contraception for 9 YEARS! Incredibly unlikely to get pregnant (and that's without infertility ruining my sex live after many many failed ivf cycles).

TheFutureMrsHardy · 31/03/2020 21:12

You sound so lovely, OP. It must be really tempting to dive in and worry about the money later, but it's incredibly sensible not to.

I hope things work out for you, and you can take some positives from this thread Flowers

FTMF30 · 31/03/2020 21:15

I understand that people are trying to be helpful by suggesting adopting but, OP, you do not need to explain yourself or feel guilty for wanting your own child. You're etitled to feel like that. It's not a selfish thing at all, in fact, I'd say it's completely natural. I don't think ANYONE should judge you for that.

Manchestermanchester · 31/03/2020 21:16

Money aside, is it harder to get pregnant the older you are?

SunshineCake · 31/03/2020 21:26

I was put up for adoption. The thought I could be someone's casual booby prize..

Winterwoollies · 31/03/2020 21:41

@StarUtopia have you any idea how offensive you are?

You were able to have children biologically. If you felt so strongly, and were so ‘offended’ by people who want to have children biologically, why didn’t you adopt?

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 31/03/2020 21:44

I also agree with Seren. Don't think there is a fertility clinic on the planet that will use a 47-year-old woman's own eggs, assuming she can even still produce viable once, which most will not be doing so even if still ovulating, they won't be suitable for IVF treatment (and yes, we have all heard of women becoming spontaneously pregnant at that age. a) it's usually not their first b) it's almost astronomically rare to give birth to a healthy, full term singleton at that age much less twins. My own grandmother did at that age. He was her 6th child).

Many who use donor eggs or sperm don't admit it (not that it's anyone's business, at any rate).

Really hope you can find a way, OP.

twinkledag · 31/03/2020 21:47

I agree with @TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg. The cut off rate at most clinics is age 45 using your own eggs.

Mintychoc1 · 31/03/2020 22:35

You're relatively young in infertility terms. My private fertility treatment started when I was 37 and continued till I was 41,and I was definitely not an oldie in the clinic.
But it was private.
Is there any way you can raise the money? Family, overtime, loans?

Lynda07 · 31/03/2020 23:37

EineReiseDurchDieZeit Tue 31-Mar-20 20:08:53
If it was up to me I would institute a temporary posting ban for any idiot who brings up adoption and fostering on an infertility thread
.....
I quite agree! As if adopting is a piece of cake - huh! I was adopted because my parents were infertile so I know something and in a million years would never advise about adoption.

Also people who talk about what worked for them, their sister, their cousin's husband's sister.....oh please. The op is an individual.

Just listen, be kind and do not give advice.

Lynda07 · 31/03/2020 23:42

user1471519931 Tue 31-Mar-20 20:17:12
Sorry to jump in and I don't know much about it but a friend of mine had her (fallopian?) tubes flushed out..which was a relatively simple procedure...lots of sec and she was preggers pretty quickly. That was in Scotland and often they go this before trying ivf...
.......
That is quite routine first line investigation for infertility and has been since long before IVF was even thought of. My mother had it, must have been eighty years ago. Oxygen is blown through the tubes to see if they are patent (some people have blockage and scarring). It is apparently very painful! A colleague of mine had it and said she wouldn't go through it again, my mum said the same.

Yes of course some women do become pregnant afterwards - they might have done so anyway if their tubes were clear - but some don't.

Lynda07 · 31/03/2020 23:45

Mollimoo: know in the current climate it's selfish of me but I wanted my own baby, I wanted to be pregnant and to have the whole experience.
I don't want someone else's child, I want my own.
(I know I sound like a petulant child and yes I am ashamed)
...
How you feel is perfectly normal and you do not sound like a petulant child!

hopsalong · 31/03/2020 23:58

I don't know where you live or what your housing situation is but could you look into moving (maybe just a mile or two, and you could rent) to fall under a different trust? My NCT class had a lot of people in it who'd just moved to the area I live in London because it has generous IVF policies. I realise that all this might itself be changing and stuffed up by the fucking virus. I'm sorry. But all isn't lost. Your infertility is very unlikely to be due to your age / premature ovarian failure if you've been trying since 30/31, and if you can manage to get IVF treatment somehow you'd have a good chance I would think in the autumn/ next year or getting pregnant.

Manchestermanchester · 01/04/2020 00:22

@Molliemoo10 it’s not really selfish, a child isn’t a used car

LunchBoxPolice · 01/04/2020 00:24

That’s really shit OP, i’m so sorry. I have no advice but I hope you find a way to have a baby.

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 01/04/2020 00:33

My DD (9) has to wait for unforeseeable amount of time for her illeostomy to be reversed. My DH probably won't get his surveillance scans for cancer.

If I could choose to not have DC at this point, I would. Because to need health care at this point is awful.

Not that I don't appreciate how you feel or your need for children, but would you really want to give birth alone, need a Dr, any additional health problems in this environment?

Thinkingabout1t · 01/04/2020 00:35

This is so painful, OP. I wish you could have what you want. I remember that grief and longing so well.

Whatever happens, I hope your life is filled with happiness. Mine is happier than I expected, given that I never did have that longed-for child. It doesn't overshadow my life any more and I appreciate the good things I do have. I hope all goes well for you.

Thinkingabout1t · 01/04/2020 00:51

Lurpak, that is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you and they are going through this. I hope your children get well witout any complications -- it must be unbearable to see them ill, especially with the NHS so overwhelmed at present.

Your post has shaken me out of feeling a bit downhearted about not having children. That's nothing compared with the pain of seeing your children suffer. i do so hope their treatment is back on track quickly.

manicinsomniac · 01/04/2020 00:52

Wishing you all the best Mollimoo.

I'm sorry I posted about my friends' experiences with apparent infertility who then conceived. It was quite near the beginning of the thread and I ummed and ahhed about whether the stories would be hopeful or hurtful. I came down on the side of hopeful and, although you've been very gracious, it's clear that that was not the right decision. I am sorry.

FunkyKingston · 01/04/2020 01:04

Would you be totally against adopting?

Sorry if this is hijacking the thread, I used to work for social services and I now work on the history of fostering and adoption.

This bullshit needs to stop being parroted on every infertility thread.

There are not contrary to popular belief room after room of cute newborn babies waiting to be adopted. The availability of contraceptions, abortions and the lessening stigma of being a single parent has seen the figure tumble in the past 50 years.

Plus, of those children in the care system only a tiny minority are awaiting adoption (the overwhelming majority are fostered).

Children typically don't come into the adoption system until they are much older and/or have complex needs such as multiple disabilities and yet some posters on here think it is like picking pick out a cat from the Cat's Protection League.

These children available for adoption are typically older children who will have multiple needs, will have experienced loss and rejection, who will possibly had another adoption break down. There is also the possibility of ongoing contact with birth parents.

The process can take years and for absolutely good reason. The adoption needs to be made in the best interest of the child, not the adopting couple, they aren't consolation prizes.

Grumpos · 01/04/2020 01:29

@Molliemoo10

I’m sorry you are going through this. It is really heartbreaking to be so close to some potential action and then have it potentially taken away from you.

I know you’ve said you don’t wish to get into debt or cause your day to day financial position to change but in terms of your age you do have some good years left to have private treatment. Whilst i understand sometimes there needs to be a cut off for mental health reasons (and to also focus your life and energy elsewhere), perhaps you don’t have to close the door completely.
You could save hard for 2 years and still be well within IVF range, even 5 years.
Ok maybe you don’t want to be 40 as a first time mum, but it’s possible.

I tried for a good few years and it didn’t happen, was close to IVF but ended up happening naturally in the end (in my late 30s).

You don’t have to decide anything right now but know that you aren’t out of options, it’s just one route which may have to be discounted Flowers