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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incredibly sad. (Might be triggering)

186 replies

Molliemoo10 · 31/03/2020 13:05

This year was the last year for DH and I to try for NHS funded fertility treatment.

Due to the virus we are basically fucked.

My GP told us that the rules for treatment had become incredibly strict and she had already had two people refused in the last month (this was about a month before lockdown)
I'm 35, 36 this year and apparently as 35 is the cut off age the fertility clinic won't even look at it after I'm 36.

So basically we've got until October when I have my 36th birthday.

Obviously the virus looks likely to cause issues until at least September...do you see where I'm going here?

We have missed our chance due to this virus and there is no way we could afford to get help privately.

And before anyone starts, yes we wbu to leave it so late but other issues meant we couldn't try for help sooner.

I understand this isn't really AIBU but I really need a good bit of MN pragmatism and AIBU is the best place to get that!

OP posts:
Manchestermanchester · 31/03/2020 17:36

@FTMF30 you probably tell people to stop being poor.

You made an idiot comment.

FlamingoAndJohn · 31/03/2020 17:37

Adopting is an amazing thing to do and I have utter respect for anyone who does it. But it shouldn’t be bandied around as a booby prize.

And for the record the ‘my sisters hairdresser tried for years and on the way to the ivf clinic she found out she was pregnant’ stories are utterly unhelpful.

I know these suggestions come from a good place but it doesn’t make them any easier to hear for the hundredth time.

Manchestermanchester · 31/03/2020 17:37

@LocalHobo thanks for the heads up... I might look into it

Manchestermanchester · 31/03/2020 17:38

@opticaldelusion grass is greener

RhubarbFizz · 31/03/2020 17:40

Ask if they will extend it - they are extending all sorts of things that they have always been strict on - such as 6m for MOT ( not related but you get the gist)

MarieQueenofScots · 31/03/2020 17:40

And for the record the ‘my sisters hairdresser tried for years and on the way to the ivf clinic she found out she was pregnant’ stories are utterly unhelpful

I'm assuming we've had at least one chorus of "relax and it will happen" on the thread?

KenDodd · 31/03/2020 17:40

Hold on. You said your cycle has stopped. What do you mean by that? Do you mean your periods have stopped?

If so, when was this?

FTMF30 · 31/03/2020 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FlamingoAndJohn · 31/03/2020 17:43

There are plenty of stories about those who thought they were infertile and ended up pregnant when they'd emotionally given up. That was where I was coming from.

Yes there are. And believe me infertile people have heard every last fucking one.

It’s like every year when the exam results come out and you get people saying ‘well I didn’t get and A-Levels and look at me now’. Yes it’s true but it’s not in the slightest bit helpful.

juneybean · 31/03/2020 17:44

Sorry to hear this OP am in a similar situation I finally got offered one round on the NHS but had to lose weight first, but time is not on my side so when all this is done my ovaries might have given up. Hang in there though! You dont know what might happen after this, I did hear today they might extend the age limit because of this.

LostInTheWoods1 · 31/03/2020 17:44

A relative of mine tried for a baby for over 20 years, countless ivf cycles first on the nhs and then self funded, spent thousands and thousands. They gave up in their early 40s (he's slightly older) then decided to have one last go abroad. They had twins aged 47 and 52.

You really aren't at last chance saloon even if you feel like you are. Some areas offer ivf up to 39 years old, maybe find out where and which areas offer more than one free cycle, or look into options to borrow to self fund. You might not have thousands sat in the bank that doesn't mean you can't borrow or remortgage etc to get the money together. You are 36 this year not 46, there is still time.

SunshineCake · 31/03/2020 17:48

How much is private? There are 100,000s of posters, I for one would chip in to help you

JustMySize · 31/03/2020 17:48

Would you be totally against adopting?

Healthyandhappy · 31/03/2020 17:48

Didnt need to adopt as I have 2 kids I had one aged 20 whilst studying to be a nurse at uni and 1 at 24 I bought a house and was married to husband. However when my kids are older I will foster. If you cant have kids and want children then adoption or foster. If the ccg say no then look at egg sharing may be cheaper x

FlamingoAndJohn · 31/03/2020 17:50

Didn't need to adopt as I have 2 kids

Rolls eyes.

MarieQueenofScots · 31/03/2020 17:51

Didnt need to adopt as I have 2 kids

You are unimaginably tone deaf

LaurieMarlow · 31/03/2020 17:52

OP that is incredibly sad. I’m so sorry. Do make sure you understand all your options though.

Phone clinics and see. Think outside the box about how you might find it yourself.

I really hope it works out for you. Flowers

LaurieMarlow · 31/03/2020 17:52

Fund

MarieQueenofScots · 31/03/2020 17:53

I don’t know how many times it needs saying. Adoption is a valid choice, it isn’t some sort of fix all and should never be considered as a quick fix to the pain of infertility.

It is highly offensive to people who make the choice to adopt to use it as some sort of “well you can’t have your own kids so here’s the next best thing”.

DisinfectantDoris · 31/03/2020 17:53

Do you know what causes the infertility? If it's something like PCOS then you can still potentially get pregnant xxx

CeibaTree · 31/03/2020 17:57

If all yours and your husband's tests have come back as normal, and you have no known physical issues such as blocked tubes etc, you might not be out. Maybe just need a little help perhaps a couple of rounds of Clomid or similar - you could do this privately and it wouldn't cost more than a few hundred pounds. People also swear by acupuncture. Apologies if you have already thought about/tried these ideas.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 31/03/2020 17:59

OP, it's sometimes a controversial option but have you considered altruistic surrogacy? I realise it doesn't help much but sometimes having some sort of plan b takes the sting out of things a bit.

DisinfectantDoris · 31/03/2020 18:00

I'm just starting my PCOS journey, blood tests like yours were normal but they found my right ovary cystic. My cycles are also all over the place, 35-8 days, 48 days and one has even been 60 days, that one ended on Xmas day (good timing!) But I'm sure once I loose weight ovulation will be more normal xxx

GrumpyHoonMain · 31/03/2020 18:01

Didnt need to adopt as I have 2 kids I had one aged 20 whilst studying to be a nurse at uni and 1 at 24 I bought a house and was married to husband. However when my kids are older I will foster. If you cant have kids and want children then adoption or foster. If the ccg say no then look at egg sharing may be cheaper x

Nobody needs to adopt. They do it because they want to regardless of how many kids they can or can’t have. Women who have kids after 30 are less likely to have dementia and more likely to live longer per all recent longevity research. Judging by how tone deaf your reply was I would suggest you speak to a GP to get tested.

SerenDippitty · 31/03/2020 18:02

A relative of mine tried for a baby for over 20 years, countless ivf cycles first on the nhs and then self funded, spent thousands and thousands. They gave up in their early 40s (he's slightly older) then decided to have one last go abroad. They had twins aged 47 and 52.

They will have been donor eggs. That may not be something the OP is ready to consider or may already have ruled out.