Incredibly sad. (Might be triggering)

[Molliemoo10]

This year was the last year for DH and I to try for NHS funded fertility treatment.

Due to the virus we are basically fucked.

My GP told us that the rules for treatment had become incredibly strict and she had already had two people refused in the last month (this was about a month before lockdown)
I'm 35, 36 this year and apparently as 35 is the cut off age the fertility clinic won't even look at it after I'm 36.

So basically we've got until October when I have my 36th birthday.

Obviously the virus looks likely to cause issues until at least September...do you see where I'm going here?

We have missed our chance due to this virus and there is no way we could afford to get help privately.

And before anyone starts, yes we wbu to leave it so late but other issues meant we couldn't try for help sooner.

I understand this isn't really AIBU but I really need a good bit of MN pragmatism and AIBU is the best place to get that!

You can be a parent by adopting. There are other ways to have a family. I'm sorry, but I just think of all the poor children needing families and yet everyone is desperate by whatever means possible to ensure they create this picture perfect instagram baby.

Do tell me how many children you adopted?

You know what really gets my goat about threads like this. If you ever mention on here that you don’t have children then you get loads of people asking why you post here if you don’t have children yet people with bugger all experience of infertility always pitch up on threads like these with ‘helpful’ advice.

But then, sometimes women conceive after they had given up hope.

Jesus wept.

Is the cut off for referral for IVF or referral full stop? To not be able to refer you even for investigations seems really wrong ,- maybe there's a more straightforward explanation that has a simpler treatment and you won't need IVF?

SerenDippitty not donor eggs at all, unless they managed to find a woman that is a clone of my relative to donate to them, they look just like their mother. Funnily my mum did question if they were biologically their children (not to them obviously) when she was pregnant, but now they are primary aged children the resemblance is too close to be a random woman they picked off a list.

I really don't understand why there are so many miserable and bitter commenters on here hijacking the OPs problem to just make catty, unuseful comments.

People are trying to offer solace/advice. No one is claiming to be experts, just be a bit supportive, yet there's a number of you thinking you can police what people say.

OP, I sincerely hope you don't get to the point of being hopelessly bitter like some of these ladies. It won't help. Don't give up hope. The only thing I can suggest is to keep trying with intercourse, even while you explore plan B, C,D, etc. Whilst it's been difficult for you to conceive, you haven't yet had it proven it's impossible. I honestly feel for you but all's not lost 💐.

I really don't understand why there are so many miserable and bitter commenters on here hijacking the OPs problem to just make catty, unuseful comments

Faux naïveté is really tiresome

People are trying to offer solace/advice. No one is claiming to be experts, just be a bit supportive, yet there's a number of you thinking you can police what people say

If I were someone offering meaningless platitudes I would listen to those explaining why they’re inappropriate.

The reason I feel I can police what other people say about this is because I’ve been there and come out the other side.
I’ve been where the op is now. I’ve heard all the helpful suggestions, stories and comments.
When you are in the middle of it you simply don’t have the emotional strength to tell people to shove their advice up their arse. So I’ve got the OP’s back and am doing it for her.

I really don't understand why there are so many miserable and bitter commenters

Because we are dried up barren hags who don’t know love.

hijacking the OPs problem to just make catty, unuseful comments

I think those of us who have been through fertility problem are better placed to help.

@LostInTheWoods1 the chances of IVF success using own eggs in women over 45 is 1% or less.

All sorts of standard rules will be relaxed for the 'exceptional situation' that is coronavirus. I would fight this on that front and challenge the cut off with your NHS trust. Sorry you are facing this - it is upsetting and unfair.

Well said Flamingo.

'Where there's a will there's a way' what an incredibly insensitive comment @Marylou2, that very often is not the case

So sorry you are in this position. It is completely understandable that you feel so sad at this awfully unfair situation. Could an IVF loan or payment plan (through a fertility provider) be an option for you? Might be worth a google. Sorry if it’s something you’ve already looked into and isn’t an option for you x

Op I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you get the opportunity to have the treatment you need. People who have never experienced infertility really shouldn't comment and don't get the pain that it causes.

I feel incredibly lucky that I got ivf on the nhs when I needed it. Those days if 3 free rounds are unfortunately long gone though. I was only 28 when I started treatment and lots of people who didn't know my exact situation would say unhelpful things like- it'll happen when it's right/ relax/ josie down the street got pregnant after x amount of years etc. No unfortunately it won't happen naturally for me!

Thankfully my 1st try and only ever pregnancy resulted in a wonderful dc, now 8. Dh and I have never used contraception since then (and about 3 years before) and guess what I've never got pregnant again! I'm so grateful to have 1 child though and never forget it.

Good luck 💐

Sorry everyone I haven't been back since the first page but honestly it took a while to muster up the courage.

Thank you all so much for your replies, even the ones about adopting and enjoying being childfree. Although painful to hear I understand it comes from a kind place.

To be a bit clearer, I have had the full hormone profile and that has come back as all normal. DH has had a count done and again that was fine.

I have been on Metformin which started my periods off again for roughly 6 months and now they have stopped. I had a blood test just to check I wasn't pregnant and that was negative.

I haven't had any other medication. The next step was to put my case to the fertility clinic. I can't even get into my Doctor's as it's all on lockdown so it doesn't really matter what type of help they could give me, anything they do will only be for a couple of months at the most so I'm not sure what good it would do.

I have done the relaxing, going on holiday, looking at other ways to be a parent.

I know in the current climate it's selfish of me but I wanted my own baby, I wanted to be pregnant and to have the whole experience.
I don't want someone else's child, I want my own.
(I know I sound like a petulant child and yes I am ashamed)

I have read all the posts and I will re read them again as there is some good advice I will follow up on.
If when all this is over I have any energy left I will try and appeal but I'm not holding my breath.

I understand all those saying beg, borrow or steal the money for private but it would throw us into huge debt and I'm not sure that is really the best footing for bringing up a child, especially as it would make a big difference in our day to day budget.

@Molliemoo10 I’m so sorry. Infertility is SHIT and there’s nothing I can say to make that better.

I scanned the thread so I am sorry if I missed this already, but a few things:

1. your GP should be able to order you the initial tests that you need (AMH, FSH etc) without having to go through the fertility clinic
2. If you don’t have a diagnosed issue, private options may be more affordable than you think. Have you checked out Access Fertility? Effectively, it’s an IVF refund programme - you get 100% of your payment back if you don’t have a child through it, and they work with really good clinics.

(PS @TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg am with you. It is a thread of infertility bingo and other posters should listen to you to make themselves more sensitive to their infertile friends. Why don’t YOU adopt, person who can naturally conceive?!)

If it was up to me I would institute a temporary posting ban for any idiot who brings up adoption and fostering on an infertility thread

It's amazingly patronising

Have you ever thought about adoption ?

NO I'VE LITERALLY NEVER HEARD OF IT, DO TELL MORE

Adoption in 2020 is NOT Adoption of the 50's and 60's - the MAJORITY of children up for adoption are NOT newborn and have been removed from and have trauma from neglectful, abusive parents

Stop viewing/treating abused children as a consolation prize for lesser mortals.

Pack. It. In.

OP I am so sorry, but hope, believe and have my fingers crossed that exceptions will be made for you due to the unprecedented atmosphere in the UK. You will probably retain your place in the queue

@NowSissyThatWalk
Clearly you didn’t use the private adoption agency that I applied to. They rejected my application on the basis I am a qualified Nursery Nurse of 25 years experience that felt I was over-qualified to adopt And you obviously didn’t apply to my Council who actively encouraged the biological parents from whom the child had been physically removed from and were then permitted a say and input into their upbringing, their education and schooling to send birthday cards to and the like ?!

Some women want to experience pregnancy and labour. Some women want to know what little versions of themselves look like.

Shut the fuck up.

OP
So very sorry you are going through this utterly heartbreaking situation. Pop into the FertilityFriends site and ask MNHQ to put this over to the Infertility section of MN where you’ll get bucketloads of proper, caring support and advice from previous threads and where this one can continue in a more productive manner. 💐

Haven't read the full thread yet. But so sorry to read this OP. Come and join us on the infertility boards, there's a few of us who have had our treatment cancelled with no idea when it's going to start up again 😔

Sorry to jump in and I don't know much about it but a friend of mine had her (fallopian?) tubes flushed out..which was a relatively simple procedure...lots of sec and she was preggers pretty quickly. That was in Scotland and often they go this before trying ivf...

Given the circumstances could you ask the GP to put in the request and hold it for a while? The clinic might relax the rules for people in your situation.
I hope things work out for you OP

Do not give up hope, after 10 years of trying we naturally conceived our now 14mth old out of the blue. Like you there was no reason for our infertility and I conceived in my early 40s.
Wishing you all the best

I agree with going over to the infertility threads op. It was the amazing ladies who got me through.

@PeterPanGoesWrong
Finally, I know it hurts, but not being a mum is not the be all and end all. You can travel, you’ll have a beautiful home, you’ll have Sunday mornings in bed, you’ll have money in the bank, you’ll have impromptu nights out without the need for organising childcare and you’ll have deep sleep.

Not. Helpful.
Not one bit

"You can be a parent by adopting. There are other ways to have a family. I'm sorry, but I just think of all the poor children needing families and yet everyone is desperate by whatever means possible to ensure they create this picture perfect instagram baby."

Said by someone who was able to naturally conceive and birth their own biological child. Get a grip!!! 🙄