Incredibly sad. (Might be triggering)

[Molliemoo10]

This year was the last year for DH and I to try for NHS funded fertility treatment.

Due to the virus we are basically fucked.

My GP told us that the rules for treatment had become incredibly strict and she had already had two people refused in the last month (this was about a month before lockdown)
I'm 35, 36 this year and apparently as 35 is the cut off age the fertility clinic won't even look at it after I'm 36.

So basically we've got until October when I have my 36th birthday.

Obviously the virus looks likely to cause issues until at least September...do you see where I'm going here?

We have missed our chance due to this virus and there is no way we could afford to get help privately.

And before anyone starts, yes we wbu to leave it so late but other issues meant we couldn't try for help sooner.

I understand this isn't really AIBU but I really need a good bit of MN pragmatism and AIBU is the best place to get that!

Random one, but is the cut-off for referral or for starting treatment?
I'm really sorry about your circumstances, that's really really shit.

OP, that is incredibly sad, and I know it’s different for different people but my SIL was trying for 6 years, she had compromised fertility and was told to try tablets... she got pregnant before even taking them. We believe it’s the lack of putting pressure on herself, each to their own but that’s what I think too.
I really hope the virus fucks off before October for you. Fingers crossed for you

I'm sorry about your situation, could you appeal on the grounds of exceptional circumstances? We weren't entitled to any NHS funded rounds and both earn less than the average wage, we had no savings and took out credit cards and loans to pay for IVF. We have ended up with a lot of debt but feel it was worth it. some private clinics have a finance option to pay and some clinics have an access fertility bundle where you pay 12k and keep having rounds until you have a live birth, it takes 3 rounds on average to have success so this saves money if you have the average experience, you lose money if you are lucky and it works first time. One benefit of going private is no waiting lists and you can choose whichever clinic you want.

Please try to ignore all the ‘helpful’ advice on here.
Honestly when you are going through infertility treatment it should be legal to punch people who tell you stories of their friend who tried but conceived naturally in the end or people who tell you to relax. Ditto the people who tell you you can go on holiday when you like and you’ll be loaded.

Back to your problem. Have you contacted the clinic directly? They might be able to help. I was 39 when I had my last round.

So sorry op, it really is shit. There’s not a lot else I can say really. This virus is destroying so much for so many.

Wishing you all the very best for the future, whatever that might bring

I think your best bet is to go privately, OP. Definitely consider having your tests and treatment abroad - it's sooooo much cheaper and you can make a holiday out of it too. I had two cycles in Prague and was very impressed by the facilities and how easy it was.

And yes, ignore the people who say "just adopt!" - IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!

@FlamingoAndJohn it’s with best intentions so no need to be so rude about it

@summerfruitssquash - no one would say - aren't you lucky now that your mother is dead, you don't have to think of mother's day. That is the same flippant thought process as "just go on holidays" or "go on impromptu nights out"
It's not rude to point out that while potentially meant kindly, it comes from a place of ignorance and disrespect for what the person is going through.

My friend is going through the same thing, due to start now but its all been cancelled. She will be too old to start once this is all over and is devestated. The virus is going to ruin so many things directly and indirectly.

After all this is over I'd be really surprised if fertility treatment is funded by the NHS at all anymore so I'd find a way, any way, to go private.

I’m so sorry. I’m very sad for you.

A friend was meant to start this week. All pushed back til god knows when.

❤️❤️❤️

Can you write to your MP to raise awareness and give people the extra months they lost during lock down? I’d be doing that and possibly starting an online petition and posting it on here for people to sign.

Surely they can add on the lost months to the cut off.

Sorry @Molliemoo10 I’ve got my fingers crossed that with some awareness raising you can get things changed

@sillysmiles no, absolutely however the post I referred to also mentioned stories of people that people know and that was what I was referring to.

If you feel up to it, can you adopt? I would expect the already very high numbers of children needing safe homes will only increase after this.

Adoption is not the sole preserve of infertile people. You're free to offer a safe home yourself (but I'm sure there will be some excuse why you can't).

Finally, I know it hurts, but not being a mum is not the be all and end all. You can travel, you’ll have a beautiful home, you’ll have Sunday mornings in bed, you’ll have money in the bank, you’ll have impromptu nights out without the need for organising childcare and you’ll have deep sleep.

They're going to have to borrow to pay for private treatment, why assume something so ridiculous? Deep sleep, LOL, yes, you have to be childfree for this (newsflash: they usually grow up if you're lucky, the baby/toddler/young child is a short part of it all) as is having to organise childcare, and not every people works Mon.-Fri. and can lay in bed at the weekends or has plenty of money in the bank and a beautiful home because they don't have children .

We have been trying for 5 years so I'm pretty sure it's unlikely that we will ever conceive naturally, but then its not like I can get tests from the fertility clinic to find out.

Surely you've already had tests before moving on to IVF?

If you haven't had tests then (if you are remotely overweight) it's worth knowing that losing 10% of your body weight can really boost your fertility. It's what ultimately worked for me, more than once. It's not about how much you weigh but about the % that you lose. Sorry if you've tried that already or it doesn't apply I just think it's worth knowing.

Try www.fertilemindset.com/ for support.

This virus is life destroying. I'm so sorry to read this, It's literally taken something from everyone. But this is really sad. I have no words to help. But we are united in the this and the misery it's causing. Sending you the biggest hug xx

My sister in law was 37 when she began her NHS funded IVF - don't give up yet! My gorgeous precious nephew is 1 in a couple of months. Investigate all you can - I'm so sorry my lovely. My thoughts are with you

I can't add anything remotely constructive, but I just wanted to say that sucks . I hope you can find a way around it.

Have you looked at treatments abroad? Cyprus, Turkey?

I was going to suggest this.

A neighbour of mine went to Spain for IVF, it was (apparently) a quarter of the cost that it is in the UK.

Obviously, it's not an option atm, but coronavirus won't be around forever.

I highly recommend the website Natural Fertility Info for loads of advice on boosting natural fertility - mainly vitamins, supplements, avoiding alcohol, maintaining a healthy weight (you can be too thin or too overweight). Also the book It Starts With An Egg is fantastic.
natural-fertility-info.com

Don't give up! You are still young! Also some private clinics are not too expensive for other methods, you don't have to go straight to IVF: Eg Ovulation tracking, IUI etc. Or you can use a clinic abroad. There is lots of info on the conception pages here.

Oh OP, how devastating for you. It’s so cruel. As if fertility issues aren’t one long round of waiting and uncertainty as it is. Can you challenge the cut off after all this is over? After all, you would have qualified were it not for this delay, which is totally not your fault and out of your control.

Please don’t beat yourself up about ‘leaving it late’, you’re actually not that old. And it’s not fair to blame ourselves for actions we took without the benefit of hindsight.

I had issues getting pregnant, as me and DH had medical problems and we didn’t start trying until I was 40. I did lots of research on how to improve my fertility and basically threw everything at it, diet, supplements, cutting out alcohol and caffeine etc. I also did acupuncture, which I think helped. Then I discovered research that showed mind-body techniques and hypnotherapy can double the rates of conception, so I went to see a fertility hypnotherapist. Two sessions later and bingo, pregnant with DD, now 4. Can you use this time to really overhaul your lifestyle and start making sure you have time to deeply relax each day with eg meditation or hypnosis? I know this is a very stressful time, but it could improve your chances and maybe help you feel like you are doing all that is in your control.

I would get a second opinion if I were you. When I was referred for my NHS cycle three years I checked and all the NHS cycles had a cut off of 39 for refferal and 40 for treatment.

It Starts with the Egg is 99p on Kindle daily deal today. It’s v good.

Sorry to hear this.

Every CCG has their own guidelines for fertility services. Google your local ones. I think your best bet would be to try and argue that the virus is 'exceptional circumstances' if you can't be treated now. Good luck .