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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incredibly sad. (Might be triggering)

186 replies

Molliemoo10 · 31/03/2020 13:05

This year was the last year for DH and I to try for NHS funded fertility treatment.

Due to the virus we are basically fucked.

My GP told us that the rules for treatment had become incredibly strict and she had already had two people refused in the last month (this was about a month before lockdown)
I'm 35, 36 this year and apparently as 35 is the cut off age the fertility clinic won't even look at it after I'm 36.

So basically we've got until October when I have my 36th birthday.

Obviously the virus looks likely to cause issues until at least September...do you see where I'm going here?

We have missed our chance due to this virus and there is no way we could afford to get help privately.

And before anyone starts, yes we wbu to leave it so late but other issues meant we couldn't try for help sooner.

I understand this isn't really AIBU but I really need a good bit of MN pragmatism and AIBU is the best place to get that!

OP posts:
FlamingoAndJohn · 31/03/2020 18:04

@Molliemoo10. I’d consider asking to delete this thread and ask it again in the Infertility section. You’ll get more helpful and experienced answers.

Wineislifex · 31/03/2020 18:13

If you’ve not started your fertility journey yet OP I would recommend bloods and HSG ASAP as it may be an easily fixed problem (just with you saying you’d see your GP a referral I’m guessing your not already under the assisted conception team?)

I struggled with unexplained infertility for 5 years and I hated it when people said oh you need to just relax etc but in gods honest truth the month I didn’t track my cycle and went on a girls weekend drank too much, stayed up all night etc was the month I conceived and I honestly believe it was because I had accepted that life may be just me and DH and I had made my peace with that.

I also had lost weigh but wasn’t overweight to start with and had just starting taking coQ10 and vital DHA on the advice of an American fertility expert so they could have played a part also.

StCharlotte · 31/03/2020 18:24

We had a cut off of 35 in my area. (I didn't meet my husband until I was 35.)

I hope they will extend it in the circumstances Flowers

Amummyatlast · 31/03/2020 18:27

As usual, we get the daft advice on infertility. I’ve been ‘relaxed’ about conceiving for the past 5 years, having given up on ever having another naturally conceived pregnancy (all of those ended up in miscarriage). Guess what - still nothing!

OP - I second posting on the infertility board.

lentenwonder · 31/03/2020 18:29

Yes this thread has been a smorgasbord ok things people say you wish they wouldn’t!

GrumpyHoonMain · 31/03/2020 18:29

They will have been donor eggs. That may not be something the OP is ready to consider or may already have ruled out.

Not necessarily. Women with PCOS often have higher egg reserve and improved quality with age. Older women with PCOS are often encouraged to use their own eggs where possible even at older ages - it’s the one exception clinics have to their upper age limits.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 31/03/2020 18:34

If you cant have kids and want children then adoption or foster.

Says who, you who was able to procreate as you wished? Hmm Luckily, you don't make the rules; people are free to choose fertility treatments as a mean to have a biological child of their own regardless of anyone's approval bar their HCPs.

Bezalelle · 31/03/2020 18:35

I can't think of anything more hurtful than being told, when you're desperate for children, how lucky you are to have all the free time/holidays/lovely home.

And the "my friend got pregnant at 47 after years of trying"? It's almost certainly IVF. It's just that many people don't talk about it publicly.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 31/03/2020 18:36

Older women with PCOS are often encouraged to use their own eggs where possible even at older ages - it’s the one exception clinics have to their upper age limits.

At 47? That's very very doubtful. Egg quality past the age of 45 is, well, very far from ideal particularly for IVF.

zonkin · 31/03/2020 18:42

OP, ignore the relax and it might happen gang, and the why don't you just adopt gang.

Get yourself over to the fertility friends uk website. Lots of knowledgeable people and people in similar situations there. You won't get the right support on Mumsnet

StarUtopia · 31/03/2020 18:43

Please don't give up. Where there's a will there's a way. Can you borrow against your mortgage? Borrow from family/parents? Would you consider egg sharing? Crowdfunding? Write to your CCG and ask if the virus can be considered an exceptional circumstance. Sell your story to the Daily Mail with sad face if needed. I'm not being sarcastic in any way as I've been in your shoes. Do everything it takes to at least get a shot at parenthood.

You can be a parent by adopting. There are other ways to have a family. I'm sorry, but I just think of all the poor children needing families and yet everyone is desperate by whatever means possible to ensure they create this picture perfect instagram baby.

Having said all that, will also say, you're only 36. I didn't even have kids til I was 39 but then I wasn't that obsessed with having one - it can't be healthy to put so much pressure on yourself surely? I know the advice is to relax, and that makes people mad, but seriously. I think you do need to relax about it.

What's meant to be will find a way (my motto in life) I wish you the best

StarUtopia · 31/03/2020 18:46

It is highly offensive to people who make the choice to adopt to use it as some sort of “well you can’t have your own kids so here’s the next best thing”.

But you see, I actually find it highly offensive that people are adamant at spending vast amounts of money getting into a lifetime of debt when there are babies and children desperately needing love and a family.

It's not at all the next best thing. But to say you're desperate to be a Mum but only to one you've made yourself is unbelievable sad.

B0bbin · 31/03/2020 18:47

We tried for about 6 years before it finally happened. I was about your age. Don't lose heart. I understand why you're feeling so sad about the impact the virus is having on your chances of ivf. Flowers

NowSissyThatWalk · 31/03/2020 18:48

What @starutopia said.
Adopting is one of the noblest and most wonderful things anyone can do. No one is saying 'Just adopt' in a blasé way. It's a positive, wonderful and logical alternative.

anotherlittlechicken · 31/03/2020 18:48

@StarUtopia

Are you having a laff?

I can't believe some of the rot I am seeing on here.

Just relaaaaaaax and you will get pregnant. Just ADOPT, because adoption is soooooooooo easy. Easy as picking up a loaf of bread from Asda.

Unbelievable!

@Molliemoo10 I am so sorry you are having to tolerate this kind of stuff on here.

I would also report your own thread and ask MN to put it on the infertility board.

All the best. Smile

anotherlittlechicken · 31/03/2020 18:49

@NowSissyThatWalk

Same to you. Just STOP with the 'just adopt' garbage.

have you even got a f*cking CLUE how hard it is to adopt???????

Why am I even asking. You DON'T or you would not be spouting such nonsense!

opticaldelusion · 31/03/2020 18:59

there are babies and children desperately needing love and a family

How many of these desperate children have you offered a home to then? I'd guess none, fucking hypocrite.

Laiste · 31/03/2020 19:00

Someone will be along to suggest getting a 'fur baby' soon Hmm

MarieQueenofScots · 31/03/2020 19:01

But you see, I actually find it highly offensive that people are adamant at spending vast amounts of money getting into a lifetime of debt when there are babies and children desperately needing love and a family

We didn’t get into any debt. I applaud you for making the choice to adopt, it wasn’t for us.

MarieQueenofScots · 31/03/2020 19:02

@NowSissyThatWalk

Are you infertile?

MarieQueenofScots · 31/03/2020 19:03

sorry, but I just think of all the poor children needing families and yet everyone is desperate by whatever means possible to ensure they create this picture perfect instagram baby

How many did you adopt?

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 31/03/2020 19:03

Alternative? Children are not alternatives or some proof of how noble one is. Adoptions often break down; many are not suitable to adopt for a variety of reasons and again, there is nothing stopping you from putting yourself forward to adopt or foster and offer a loving and safe home.

Thinkingabout1t · 31/03/2020 19:06

I feel for you, OP. Many people say that childless couples are the happiest. But then, sometimes women conceive after they had given up hope. I hope things turn out well for you and DH.
Flowers

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 31/03/2020 19:07

Can I relax and win the lottery? It will 'just happen' if I decrease pressure on myself? Can I 'just relax' and cure myself of medical conditions, say, cancer or lupus? How come relaxed and laid-back people still get medical conditions if relaxing cures them all?

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 31/03/2020 19:08

Many people say that childless couples are the happiest.

It's like infertility bingo in here.