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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 31/03/2020 11:38

I'd give her one chance. I don't think that this is going to be over in a couple of weeks and even when it is, the virus is still going to be a threat.

Do you tell her straight that it is, over for good and you don't want to hear it?

Qgardens · 31/03/2020 11:41

FaceTime her. I'd she starts going on then tell her she needs to stop or you will stop the call. Tell her the purpose is to see her grandchild not to comment on your relationship with her son.

yesyesdear · 31/03/2020 11:41

No, YANBU. If she’s going to try and meddle in your relationship, no way!! Could you maybe text her and say she just talks to DS, no comment on your relationship with your ex or you’ll hang up?

LouiseTrees · 31/03/2020 11:42

Phone her and at the top of the phonecall say “ do not mention anything about ex, I’m phoning for an update between you and DS”. She deserves to see her grandchild. She’s not the abusive one.

Freddiefox · 31/03/2020 11:44

I would, but I would text her first just to say that you are face time for ds and is she mentions getting back together you will cut the call.

Phillipa12 · 31/03/2020 11:44

Is ex seeing your ds at the moment? If yes then its up to him to facilitate facetime with his mother, if not then i would reply that you didnt say you would facetime, you said you would consider it........ Another part of me says do the facetime but make it abundantly clear that any direction of conversation that is about reconciliation will result in face time ending and not happening again, i havent read your other threads though!

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2020 11:44

You need to speak to your MIL about her behaviour and then you can cut your ex out of the situation.

Jokie · 31/03/2020 11:44

Strict rules with her could work. Be clear; "MIL, if you talk to me about ex, I'll hang up and refuse to call again. This is your call with your grandson".

I personally wouldn't do it myself or put myself in a position which would be detrimental to my mental health or that of DS.

marchez · 31/03/2020 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iVampire · 31/03/2020 11:48

FaceTime her with DS ready on your lap.

If she starts talking about things that are inappropriate in front of a child; interrupt and end the call.

Explain why (possibly by text) saying that you will do nothing to impede the contact with her DGC, but any discussion of adult relationships is wholly inappropriate and you will end the call every time this happens

Yesmate · 31/03/2020 11:49

@marchez the OP has said she would consider it and the ex has stated she said she would do it so to do it today. It’s all about control.

OP I would see out clear rules first and do it, one chance only. The FaceTime is for her to see her grandchild and not to talk to you about something that is none of her business.

bullyingadvice2017 · 31/03/2020 11:51

I'd call her. With ds right there. Be sweetness and light talking with Dr about what he has been up to. Show her a picture he's done etc. DO NOT enter any other conversation apart from Ds speaking to his gran.

Any hint of her starting say once clearly that you rang so she could speak with ds. If this isn't what it's about end mil i will have to end the call, her choice. If she makes one more comment tell her you will not be manipulated and end the call.

Also if she keeps texting you I would just send her one message back saying if she continues to harrass you and try to manipulate you then you will have no choice but the only deal with Ds dad and he will have to sort his family seeing ds out on his own time. Not up to you to forge a relationship with them especially now he has ruined your relationship by being abusive.

Well done for getting shut of him. Stick to your guns. Show them from the get go that you will not be dictated to and this will be on your terms not abusive ex's. I'm sure you have wasted enough time having to do things that suit him. Now is your time to build the life you want. Putting up with shit off him and his family should not be part of your new life.

bullyingadvice2017 · 31/03/2020 11:57

Also don't have him holding you ti face time every night... unless you are happy to and that is all about Dr and not him getting at you about other stuff.

He screwed his marriage up. One of the downsides to that is that you don't live in the same house as your child. Daily contact can often be used to wear you down as it means you having to deal with his bullshit every day. You need to get on with your life. Tough tits if he dosent like it.

I know things are tough at the moment with the virus and all that entails. You need to set a president now as to the amount of shit you are prepared to accept of them. Stick to it. If they are ignoring your boundarys block them.

IntermittentParps · 31/03/2020 12:00

OP I would set out clear rules first and do it, one chance only. The FaceTime is for her to see her grandchild and not to talk to you about something that is none of her business.
I agree with this. And follow through if you have to, by ending the call.

RogersVideo · 31/03/2020 12:00

I think YANBU if you don't to do it. 3 weeks is nothing. Even 3 months is nothing. And if your son is like my kids (age 2 and 4) he will lose interest in the Facetime call within 30 seconds anyway.

ADreamOfGood · 31/03/2020 12:07

@marchez is your first Language French?

"Can you do it today please" is a command not a request in English. A request/question would "could you do it today?" or "Is it possible for you to do it today"
Anyone normal would just say "oh she's really missing DS and would love to chat to him as soon as you can fit it in"... but hey.

ADreamOfGood · 31/03/2020 12:11

@Darklesparkles I personally would try and keep facetime contact to the same frequency/days DS usually sees his granny- it's more consistent for him as well as for her. I would also text her first to say something along the lines of please use this facetime to speak to ds, if you want to talk about our marriage, then keep it tona separate conversation. which you can then ignore

FizzyGreenWater · 31/03/2020 12:11

'Hi ex, just to be clear, I said I would consider it, as you are well aware of my reasons for being hesitant - namely that she will very likely use the call to comment inappropriately on our separation. In return - can you speak to your mother this morning (so before any facetime might take place) and remind her that if we face time it will be solely so that she can speak to DS, and if she tries to start a conversation on my personal situation I shall end the call and there will be no more calls. Thank you.

Then if you get a text telling you how dare you INSTRUCT him to call his mother - you can point out that that's exactly what he did to you, so can he also not 'tell' you to do anything in future, at least not in a text which is worded in a way that he wouldn't send to a friend or colleague. 'It would help if you would respect that I have my own space here and don't expect texts instructing me to undertake tasks to your schedule.'

notacooldad · 31/03/2020 12:14

*@marchez is your first Language French?

"Can you do it today please" is a command not a request in English. A request/question would "could you do it today?" or "Is it possible for you to do it today"
Sounds like a request rather than a command to me.

crustycrab · 31/03/2020 12:16

Sounds like a request to be too.

Just have him on your lap and keep your face out of shot. When you've had enough, just say ooh sorry, someone's trying to get through

DuchessofPemberley · 31/03/2020 12:21

@notacooldad I would take it as a command. Not a rude one, but I would expect my manager to use that phrasing. Could you do it today would be a question.

SarahInAccounts · 31/03/2020 12:21

I think you should text your concerns to your ex and say that is why you have decided not to facetime.

SharonasCorona · 31/03/2020 12:22

My main feeling is YANBU.

Just a couple of questions:

How old is DS? Could he have the call alone?
Does ex see DS at all and could therefore his mum himself?

Apart from that, you are absolutely right not to engage with MIL aka flying monkey and to minimise contact with her. She doesn't care about you or DS, if she did, she wouldn't want her abusive twat of a son near you.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 31/03/2020 12:22

Just be harsh. Tell her the first time she mentions you two getting back “that will not be happening and if you mention it again I will terminate this call”
Mean it! Follow through.

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2020 12:25

Call her
The first time she says you should get back together, tell her you don't want to discuss that and if she mentions it again then you'll hang up. Next time she says anything then end the call. She will soon learn the price of seeing her grandchild is not pissing you off.