AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

What an arsehole. I love a PP's idea of him reading a bedtime story.

As for face timing granny, I'd do it at a time convenient to you, and I also like the idea of putting the phone where she can see him play and she can shout at him while he gets on with it. If she starts her PA shit then you can hang up and say, sorry! got to go.

You don't have to dance to his tune. I wonder about blocking him in-between agreed contact times so he can't do this?

You're in a dreadful situation there, OP. I am, of course, sympathetic to your plight BUT I do think you need to listen to every poster that suggests asserting your position. You are unintentionally doing what he wants and he will continue to think he has a hold on you.

If you don't want to facetime him tonight, for whatever reason, just don't. Of course, message him to say why, but a curt 'Sorry, son tired. Will facetime tomorrow' (or briefly whatever the reason is) will do, then turn your phone off. He is now just your son's father to you, he doesn't get to control you at all.

The longer you put up with it, the longer it will continue, unfortunately. His Mum clearly believes his side of the story but again, not your problem. You don't need to be pushed around by her either.

You've got enough on with work and child on your own. Don't accept more stress.x.

Have already asked him to read him a bed time story to DS on video call. Has yet to materialise.

The other night, I said what about bedtime story. He said books are upstairs, and I said I'll wait for to go and get them. Said no it's fine.

Do like idea though, but whether he does this is another story.

I would say NO.

BUT I would say HE can facetime you and add his mother to the facetime chat, and you would then step out of the conversation and monitor it from elsewhere while the 3 of them chatted.

that's a good offer and hard to argue with UNLESS it's about control and letting his mother try to bully you about taking her aresehole of a son back.

If he says no, then tell him that's a shame, because it's what you're willing to do. If HE cares about his mother's relationship with HIS child, then he'll do it.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

I haven't did the programme, will look further into it.

Googled it there now and it looks good x

Is your ex living with his mother at the moment?

Is that why she's so keen for you to take him back?

@PieceOfMaria : 'But you'd do the same, wouldn't you, under the circumstances? Anyone would I think.'

Um no... If someone asked me where I was and I said I am 'X place' I would expect them to believe me and not demand that I show them proof of where I am.

I am a grown up, same as the OP and it doesn't matter where she is with their child as long as they are both safe and her ex doesn't get to demand to see where she is.

And if I don't soon he will text again, saying why I am ignoring him/depriving his mum of contact with her DGS
Or start calling. Or both

Can you see how you are jumping to what he says? Just because he phones, or texts or whatever doesn't mean you must answer.
It is in your power to stop him having this control.
He texts - don't open the text.
He phones - cancel the call.
Repeat.
If it continues mute your phone and put it under a cushion and do what you want.
It is like teasing/bullying - only works if they get a response. He cannot MAKE you read a text, or answer the phone or put on Facetime. That is all in your power.
You getting upset at what he might do to contact you is part of his plan. If you can make some way to lighten it. Do V signs at the phone or do Call Bingo or just laugh at it and say can't make me... take the power away from him and into your hands.
You know you have ALL the power. You have your DS and YOU control WHEN and HOW LONG XH sees him. He is desperate to make you think HE has the power but he doesn't it is you.
You are QUEEN of it. Remember that.

if the child loses interest after 30 seconds - just say 'x seems to have lost interest, call you again in the week' and end the call?.

Similarly if ex or MIL start pressuring you - over anything 'the purpose of the call was for you to talk to X, not this' and end the call.

I would text him and tell him that your getting DS into a routine and he struggles to concentrate for very long on FT anyway so from now on he can call at .... before he goes to bed while he reads him a bedtime story.
If he tries to call at any other time just ignore it.

Again your power The other night, I said what about bedtime story. He said books are upstairs, and I said I'll wait for to go and get them. Said no it's fine

Your answer - okay we can switch off until you get it. Text me when you have the book. Switch off. If he doesn't have it when you switch on say "Ah Daddy hasn't got a book DS. Lets go upstairs and read one. Say bye to Daddy"
Your power.

He's using his Mum to control you. Take action based on that and that alone.

Your answer - okay we can switch off until you get it. Text me when you have the book. Switch off. If he doesn't have it when you switch on say "Ah Daddy hasn't got a book DS. Lets go upstairs and read one. Say bye to Daddy"
Your power.

Yes this!!

@SchadenfreudePersonified

He moves between his mother's and our ex marital home.

No I think it is because she is extremely religious and thinks marriage is for life doesn't matter what happens. She made a comment when I first left about "think about the sanctity of marriage if not for the sake of the children". That and probably the "shame" of neighbours ever finding out why we have split.

Can you not do three on a facetime call? Link him and her up with ds?

He can't demand that you do anything. You do what you are comfortable with.

Op set a time for video calling with him.
Block him for the remainder of the day/get yourself a new phone and just turn the one on that he had the number for that time.
Give yourself some breathing space.

First of all can I say thank you to all who have replied so far

I am having a good think about this and think another reason I feel intimidated into keeping such regular contact is that I am afraid he may go for custody and justify him keeping DS more because I have withheld contact from him, wider family. Will say I am being unreasonable etc. Has already sent threatening messages like "why do I have to initiate contact to see my DS all the time, Darklesparkles? I go out of my way to keep in contact when he is here". (I send him pictures and video every day, and video call every day. When DS is down I have to ask for updates).

He has threatened this before, hence why I have a custody order going through. But God knows where this is in the system at the moment due to the lockdown.

Not to digress/divert thread but things are worse at the moment with him because I have kept DS with me so far as I am living with high risk category parents and he has continued to work with other people at risk of contracting virus. "Why do I have to sacrifice seeing my DS because you live with your parents?"

Whole thing is a nightmare at moment and has ramped up his behaviours.

You have been conditioned by him to do as he says. He’s abusive and is using ever tool to hoover you up and make you feel guilty.

There is little point in trying to argue/explain your point of view, as he’s just not interested.

Send a message saying, DS is unwell and you’ll contact him soon. Block his number/email for a few days, and then tell him him DS will be available at X time. I would then prop up the phone/tablet, sit out of view and let DS do his thing.

Maybe speak to WA, for some support.

@SharonasCorona

You can disagree all you like. The fact is, language is not about what is said it is about how it is said and your own perceptions. Polite / impolite are a matter of opinion. When interpreting text, your opinion of the person writing shapes your interpretation of the words whether you admit it or not. It is human nature. To suggest the words alone can be interpreted a certain way based on an archaic set of rules for what is "English" is wrong.

relationships aren't good

They aren't great, but I haven't seen anything that suggests going completely NC between MIL and DS is warranted.

If he wants to know why you're ignoring him/not doing as you ask, the answer is that you're no longer a couple, you have your own life and it's none of his business. The only reason you have any contact with him at all is shared decisions around ds and for you as resident parent to make ds available for contact.

You can set up the camera to watch ds play and talk to him: this won't be several times a day. Does he plan to enable you to have this kind of contact with ds when ds is with him? He can read ds a story if he wants. But he needs to do the thinking, he needs to sort this out, it's his contact. Stop enabling and doing the leg work for him, and reinforcing that you have any role in this or service to provide to him. Anything not directly to him interacting with ds is not your problem.

Going forward, contact with MiL and his family will happen on his contact time. You won't be expecting him to facilitate a relationship between ds and your mum on his time: point that out to him. He needs to arrange it, not you. You're not his wife, you're not his PA. As a good will thing you can do the whole bed time story/watch ds play thing but be clear this is a one off until ds goes to regular contact with his dad, this isn't a new habit. And if either of them do the passive aggressive harassment of you via ds then interrupt immediately, no, this is inappropriate, we'll see you another day. End call.

Please don't subject ds to being used to hurt you, he will pick up on plenty of this and it will do harm.

Op you are in a strong position. Now is the time to start enforcing your boundaries. Don't leave it any longer as he will feel more and more entitled to dictate to you. And keep very good records as they may be useful in any future custody battle.

God, I'm feeling pressured and manipulated by what you're telling us about him (and I'm an arsey so-and-so) so Lord knows how you must be feeling.
Baby steps. Tell him you will not be phoning them today, but will let him know when it's convenient. Do not get drawn into a debate about it. Say I've told you already, this conversation is over.
Then face-time them in a couple of days but don't tell him in advance.
Give him a specific time every other day (for now) to face-time your ds and, as others have said, set up the ipad/phone and stay busy out of shot.
Keep a log of this contact, in case he ever does attempt to use it against you.
Oh, and next time he tries the "why should I sacrifice my time because you live with your parents," just point out that it is due to a pandemic beyond your control - and you are living with your parents because you were forced to remove yourself from the marriage. It is what it is and is not up for debate.
Then change the subject or better still, end the call.

Cross post.

Court will not disrupt ds's current life and routine, remove him from his resident home and parent and place him with his father. Courts prioritise the best interests of the child and the minimum possible disruption. Abusive partners love to threaten that to try and get compliance. It's bullshit.

Contact by court would be specified as to how and time - it will not be several times daily - and it will cut both ways, it won't just bind you. Frankly it sounds like a court order would be much to your benefit. Court will not expect you to facilitate ds's relationship with ex's family on his behalf, they'll expect as a parent that ex will take that responsibility.

Look up grey rock. Send him a short list of all the contact YOU have initiated in the course of the past few days in response to his 'why do I have to initiate' which is useful for your records. Then ignore. This guy is very used to you answering 'how high' whenever he shouts 'jump'. You're no longer anything to do with him, it's solely about co parenting ds.

@MintyMabel

But you’re presenting your own opinions as fact and dismissing as others as ‘incorrect’’.