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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 05/04/2020 09:24

My ex used the same tactics and tried to use ‘phone calls to his children’ as a way of controlling me when they were younger. Long boring story but the Judge ( who ex trailed me in front of almost monthly for a while) had got his measure and court ordered that he was only allowed a ‘30sec good morning phonecall’ at 8am and a longer ‘10min chat about the day phonecall’ at 7pm. If the kids didn’t answer that was their choice ( they were 6 and 8 at the time) and the judge told me to ignore all other phone calls. If he rang at the wrong time/late the judge told me not to answer. If he messaged me about anything other than the kids at any other time I was instructed to advise him to contact my solicitor or ignore. I also did the same face to face. I had a set sentence that I repeated. It took a while to get to that stage but boy did it feel good taking back some control.
I also kept a diary and kept all of his abusive messages and the judge did look at them so keep writing things down.
Grey rock is brilliant once you practise doing it correctly. It massively helps with anxiety ( I was a nervous wreck about his nonsense) and hopefully you will eventually get to the point that you can see the funny side of repeating the same things to him. Mine was ‘if you wish to discuss arrangements for the children that is fine, anything else can be directed to my solicitor’
Using it gave me back my power.
You are doing brilliantly. Remember this is not your fault, be the best Mum you can and his nonsense/upset is his problem not yours. It is not your job to look after him/his feelings/his mother anymore. Your job to is be the best Mum you can and to keep yourself healthy and safe

Eddielzzard · 05/04/2020 09:48

Yes I wondered about the constant naming too. It makes it easier to scale back the contact with your DS as he's not actually pining for him, he's using him to control you. Now you're seeing his games for what they are, they will lose their power.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/04/2020 09:48

I know this sounds maybe silly to some of you, but actually feel a bit sick with anxiety right now.

It's not remotely silly - it's perfectly natural. He has had you bullied and scared for so long that you are experiencing a visceral reaction to what your body and mind perceive as a threat.

It will take a little while before your can relax and feel safe, as well as know that you are safe.

Look at how much you have achieved in just a week! You've been amazing!

You ARE amazing!

You'll get there.

HotelBravo · 05/04/2020 10:12

You should ask chin to refer to you as Miss Maiden-name from now on, as you feel his over familiarity isn't appropriate given the circumstances.

Dhalandchips · 05/04/2020 10:27

The name thing. My exh only ever called me by my name when he was having a go at me. All other times it was things like 'are you there?' which made me shudder as that was what my dad used to say to mum. I never heard him call mum buy her name. They weren't happily married either. 52 years of misery. Sorry, wandering off there. I think the name thing is definitely a horrible controlling characteristic. Stay strong Darkles.

Idontwantthis · 05/04/2020 11:20

Stay strong op

Wrybread · 05/04/2020 12:16

My ex still does the name thing when he's annoyed that I'm not reacting the way he wants me to. He has no idea that I'm aware of it. And all it does is signal that he's not changed and makes me feel sorry for his DP.

It took a while to get to that point, but once you see the tactics, you're on your way to them not working on you anymore.

Another tactic to look out for is when he says something completely unreasonable, but says it in a reasonable tone: it's a way of grooming you and others, to think that objecting to what he's saying would make YOU the unreasonable one. That's why doing everything via text or email is best, as you can see the unreasonable words without the tone of voice.

Oh and watch out for the reverse tactic. When you state something reasonable (usually a healthy boundary or similar) and he will act like you're such a horrible person with his body language and tone (as if you've dealt him a body blow)...because he wants you and the others around you to THINK that you are being unreasonable.

Jux · 05/04/2020 12:28

His use of your name - yes intimidation. What I would do would be to use his name exactly the same number of times and in the same parts of the sentence he's used yours. So "why are you doing this, Darkle?" "because of this, Ex"; or "Darkle, Darkle, what is the meaning of this Darkle?", "Ex, Ex, you remember this, don't you, Ex?".

Michelleoftheresistance · 05/04/2020 14:55

Very well done with the phone OP, great idea and I'll bet a big stress reliever.

BeFire · 05/04/2020 17:20

I've just read all of this today and had to say you are doing so, so, so bloody well!

Really you are. You're an inspiration right now for anyone else going through anything similar.

I'm not normally a cheerleader type but I want to say something like 'you go girl', 'you got this'... Grin words like that have never and probably will never come out of my actual mouth but right now I really mean it.

CallmeAngelina · 05/04/2020 19:16

Hope it goes well this evening.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/04/2020 19:32

He's very manipulative and thinks he's controlling everything.. he sounds bloody awful Flowers

Atalune · 05/04/2020 19:54

How are you this eve? Hope it went ok x

PerkyPomPoms · 05/04/2020 20:09

Stay strong!

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 05/04/2020 20:58

Hi folks, went ok this evening. Maybe not as well as other nights, but ok.

He had to get a few PA digs in about bringing DS back to his home, but I have this recorded now thanks to PPs suggestions of doing this.

Updating journal now, and now have a day of respite, where I can relax a bit!

Thanks again all, exhausted WineCake

OP posts:
Fespital · 05/04/2020 21:22

Well done again! They won't all be perfect but think of it as using, and practicing a lifelong skill.

Michelleoftheresistance · 05/04/2020 22:25

I bet you're exhausted Wine Very glad you've sorted it so you now get days off without having to handle all of this.

I'm sorry he was a bugger tonight. Enjoy your day off tomorrow! 24 hours with no need to give him head space.

Jux · 05/04/2020 22:31

well done. Onward and upwards!

justilou1 · 05/04/2020 23:37

Does he know you’ve cancelled phone contract yet, or is that going to be a nice surprise?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 06/04/2020 00:31

There is no point in recording as recordings are not admisible in court if not authorised by the other person. The journal is the key bug try to keep it factual and objective, if it is a collection of what you think they may be thinking no judge will waste time reading it.

Remember family court is NOT the same as criminal courts, nobody is going to be reading at your notes and documents on great detail.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/04/2020 04:16

It may be worth recording and letting him know you are. If he behaves himself better when his mother is on the call he may behave himself better when he’s being recorded. You could say it’s so your son can rewatch during the day, if you want. Or be very up front and say the suicide talk the other day was completely unacceptable and you hope that being aware he’s being recorded will force him to behave better.

Rottnest · 06/04/2020 06:01

I agree with @Freddiefox. You should do only what feels comfortable and safe for you. If she starts manipulating you, I would just cut the call. Stand up and demand respect for yourself. Good luck to you.

DameFanny · 06/04/2020 10:21

Re recording - it may not be admissable, but it does mean when you write your journal you know exactly what happened. And if challenged, you can point out that it was to stop him being able to gaslight you on what he was saying?

VegetableMunge · 06/04/2020 11:01

I'd send a quick message telling him you've cancelled the contract if you haven't already. Couch it as, just letting you know so you can sort something else out.

Jux · 06/04/2020 11:33

Regardless of whether it's admissable or not, your solicitor/barrister can still listen to it and it will help them decide the best way forward.

I have also heard of judges reading all the evidence - printed emails, texts, etc. Maybe they don't all, but sometimes they do.

Therefore keep everything; you never know when something might come in useful, especially if you have a vindictive ex, as you do.