AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

Thanks all. I think I will give it a go and if she starts diverging off DS, either be firm and say you are here to talk to DS or say I have another call and disappear (know that is avoiding but all this is giving me a lot of anxiety).

I know my ex and it is very much not a question, even though it seems that way. It is very much an expectation that he has told me what to do and i will do it.

I am finding it hard enough to do video calls every night with him, never mind adding MIL to the mix.

He has been extremely passive aggressive on video calls recently i.e. pretending to talk to DS but with comments firmly directed at me which i am finding exhausting. Do you miss your home DS? Look you're ignoring your daddy DS, you've forgotten your daddy DS, it's been so long since I've seen you. (He is 2, he loses interest in facetime in about 30 seconds!) Your daddy and granny miss you very very much DS and want to see you down here in your home soon etc etc).

Those of us who have been in abusive relationships recognise a PA demand when we see one.

Sorry, I was typing this as you posted and the PA of his phrasing stood out to me.

”Can you do it today please" is a command not a request in English

Incorrect. You are talking about pedantics, confusing absolute correct grammar, with the way people actually speak in real life.

I would generally use could, OH would generally use can. Both would be seen as a request. The issue isn’t the actual words used, it is the tone (hard to discern in a text) and the intent (relational to the character and general demeanour of the user).

I can see why it coming from an abusive ex would seem like a demand, but coming from your best mate would be seen as entirely acceptable.

OP, I would do it, not for him but for your MIL and your DS. Set a ground rule though, any mention of the relationship and you will hang up.

Keeping kids in contact with wider family is a good idea where relationships are generally good.

It may not feel like it but you actually have all the power here

If your ex is rude then hang up
If his mother is annoying then hang up

Don't take any shit

Don’t lie about why you are ending a call. Be direct. Otherwise it will just continue.

Why are you FaceTiming every day? It’s not for your DS’s benefit.

Reduce the schedule. Do it a couple of times a week.

And also you can have Ex and MIL on same video call. Two birds, one stone.

@SharonasCorona

DS is only two, so no can do on his own. And his attention span is about 30 seconds so will bevan call of him running around and her talking at him.

MIL normally sees DS when with ex, but I have had DS the past 3 weeks because of current coronavirus situation (explained elsewhere, vulnerable parents in household, him continuing to work in city and insisting on contact despite risk to my parents etc).

Had to Google flying monkey and wow. Yes he does bring her in as a way to make me feel guilty/manipulate all the time. On mother's day he didn't wish me happy mother's day (because I'm a bad mother for breaking up the marriage of course, he is not at fault at all. Sorry for sarcasm) but texted me insisting his mother was offended she didnt receive a message from DS...

@Notwiththeseknees

I do feel it is PA demand but again my perception is probably massively skewed.

Why are you doing video calls with him very night? Once a week is more than enough. Fortnightly for MIL. If he complains, block him. Don't put up with this crap.

I'd give her one chance too, just to let her speak to ds.
If she starts a conversation with you remind her the call is for you and her gc, not you.
I haven't seen my gd for weeks, she is changing all the time and I'd be so upset without the odd facetime with her.
It would be very kind and thoughtful of you to do this for your mil.

I'd do it but if she started trying to discuss your marriage I'd just end the call.

@Darklesparkles MUST you Facetime him every day?
I would say not. And really- when the PA business starts I would just say "time's up - say bye bye to daddy" and disconnnect.
It is not reasonable to put up with this emotional abuse continuing through the facetime.
And it is a big strain on you and son.

Could you limit it to 10 minutes and you sit out of line of sight but with OBVIOUS headphones on playing something so you can't hear it?

Or tell him straight - these are to speak to DS and not me through him. Disconnect every time he starts his PA shite.
He will soon get the point that he speaks to his son OR not and you are in control.

Good luck with it - hateful man manipulating you and his son.

Also I would Facetime the MIL but tomorrow - not today - spcifically because he has demanded it. So you are conceding ut on your terms. Keep some control in each interaction. And keep it short. 5 minutes with the promise of a repeat if she follows the rules.

@staythefuckhome

I did suggest that yesterday when I said I would consider it.

I think I said something along the lines of, "I'll consider it, if we do, why not include her on tomorrow nights call. You can add people to the vide video chat."

And he said no, i want you to do it separately. (Suspect, he doesn't want mum hearing PA statements like I have mentioned or her asking too many questions. No idea).

Finding this stressful. If I don't do it, he is going to give me a lot of grief.

And yes, not every night to exH. Every other day or longer. Daily is too much for anyone.

Crossed posts. Send her a message inviting her to the video call tomorrow.
How is he giving you grief? on the call? Disconnect. Say time's up?
It is really hard but be short and swift.
Say "speak to Dad tomorrow, wave, bye, click"

@Darklesparkles Go with your first instincts. I think there is a tone there of Boss & employee.

If I wanted someone to do something as a favour to me, I would ask them really, really nicely ie. I know you are really busy, but if you did get a moment, mum would love to hear from Littlesparkle.

I would message back. "Yeah, sure, if I get time". The more PA he got, the more laid back and agreeable (but not complying) I would be. I do feel for you, must be awful for you and your child.

@marchez - Whilst I agree that weekly is too irregular - he is being emotionally abusive which is why she left him.
Are you saying she should let him abuse her every day?

Disconnect from the grief, and take back control. If he abuses you or gives you grief then tell him you are blocking him for 24+ hours, and then follow through on it. If he does it again, block again. It might feel scary or a huge step, but when you realise it’s just one tiny button to gain so much headspace and freedom again, it’ll get easier every single time.

He’s an emotional abuser. You can use the current circumstances to own and control the situation now. You can win this.

@SlippedRoofTile

Honestly, I probably do it every evening, because he texts every night and demands to see DS. If I don't because DS is tired/too sleepy, he gets very PA and find it is easier to just do it rather than avoid.

Daily is too much especially with a 2 year old with zero attention span - every other day would be fine plus and send him a a couple of photos on non contact days.
I really wouldn't do the mil unless it's on a joint call it's not your job x

You don't need to be Facetiming every night as he's only using this to continue to emotionally abuse you. Once a week and insist his mother joins in on this too. If he doesn't like it tough shit.

@Devlesko

That's why I want to try call. Do feel bad about MIL not seeing DS. She might be in denial about her son, but doesn't give me the right to not let her see DGS.

That's why feel horrible. It's just that I feel ex is using this as a way to control and it is rattling/unnerving me.

I do feel it is PA demand but again my perception is probably massively skewed.

I doubt it. Your perception is likely spot on. You know him best and if your gut feels like he is trying to control you, he very likely is.