AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

I wouldn't contact him to tell him you've cancelled the contract. That's only inviting don't discussion. You want to minimise your contact as much as possible. Not seek it out. He'll figure it out. And when he does he'll contact you to find out what happened. You can say he didn't pay the bill so the contract was cancelled. You don't have to go into specifics. He won't be able to talk to the phone company about reconnecting it because he's not the named person on the account. So he'll have to go get himself sorted out all by himself.

Write transcripts. If the transcript is questioned I'm sure a judge can listen to them to verify?

Re recording - it may not be admissable, but it does mean when you write your journal you know exactly what happened. And if challenged, you can point out that it was to stop him being able to gaslight you on what he was saying?

I was going to say the same as Fanny.

Doesn't matter if it's inadmissible in court - it means YOU don't miss anything.

Well don Markle. Practise makes perfect, continue to cut down frequency of phots, videos, calls.
Gradually you will get stronger, & he may learn that you won't be drawn in.
"Why are you not sending photos now?"
"Have you finished talking to DS ?"
"You said you would send them daily"
"OK, Good night Daddy"
Smirk

What about writing transcripts of the telephone conversations would that be if any use?

Just so you know. The courts take a very dim view of his kind of behaviour. Contacts for the kid and him. You are not part of the equation.

Just so you know. The courts take a very dim view of his kind of behaviour. Contacts for the kid and him. You are not part of the equation.

That would be why the Op has now moved the focus of the calls from her to her son and is refusing to be drawn in to the badgering her ex has been using the time for. She's increased the time he spends interacting with his son.

She's supporting FaceTime contact every other day and sending photos. Not sure that the courts would take a dim view of that.

Just so you know. The courts take a very dim view of his kind of behaviour. Contacts for the kid and him. You are not part of the equation.

It's not OP who's behaviour would look bad in court. As the ex and his DM are trying to use the contact to harrass the OP, it's their behaviour that wouldn't look good. OP is actually doing the right thing in making th4 DS the focus of the calls.

Wally said “his” kind of behaviour, not the OP’s.

"Wally said “his” kind of behaviour, not the OP’s."
In the context of the rest of the sentence ("You are not part of the equation."), I took "his" to be a mistype of "this". Perhaps @Wallywobbles could clarify?

@MulticolourMophead @WhereYouLeftIt
Not sure how you read it as an attack.

The OP would be viewed as having done more than enough for to facilitate contact.
The courts don't appreciate contact being used as a stick to beat the other parent. It is about the kids. Contact is not about his contact with the OP.

Regardless of whether it's admissable or not, your solicitor/barrister can still listen to it and it will help them decide the best way forward.

I am not quite sure you want a solicitor/barrister to examine in detail such piece of evidence considering their fees. The cost of my barrister for 7 hours in court was more than £5000 and that was more than 10 years ago.

No need to make a CSI of family court cases, nobody is going to be checking the evidence with a magnifying glass, it suffices for her solicitor to say that OP has facilitated contact that her ex is abusing to put psychological pressure on her and intimidate her to force her return.

The journal will suffice as long as it is short, factual and devoid from OP’s personal interpretations. If it helps Op, mine was 3 pages long and included just shy of 120 occurrences, little more than a sentence or two for each problem, I think it had the weight it had because by being so concise the solicitor, barrister and judge could afford the time to have a good glance at it.

Wally said “his” kind of behaviour, not the OP’s.

Quite right. Sorry

Did you speak to him this evening?

How’re you getting on?

Hi @Darklesparkles I hope you're ok today.

Hope you're still doing well Darkle. Keep your head up

You ok op?

Hope everything is still ok op.

Hey Darkles. How's it going?

Hey Darkles - is everything ok?

Hope you are okay @Darklesparkles

Thinking of you.

Just to add in case: relapses happen. It takes a hell of a long time to stop an ingrained, groomed pattern of behaviour, particularly when that conditioning has involved fear and anxiety. You've done some amazing things; that doesn't put you under any pressure to be endlessly amazing and get it all right all the time.

Don't be afraid to come back for support as and when you want it.

Hoping all is well OP and you're enjoying some sunshine with your little one