AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

How long have you been separated?

Oh, Op. The only way you can manage your controlling ex is to stop agreeing to his demands. What can he do? Seriously? Decide what level of contact you are comfortable with and tell him that's how it's going to be. The alternative is that you and your son continue to be controlled by him. Be brave Op. Once you stop letting him scare and control you (and your little boy), life will be so much better.

Separated 5 months @PieceOfMaria. He still won't let me go. Insists that I need to try and make it work etc.

Could you use Zoom and record the meeting (‘call’). State at the outset that your marriage is not an appropriate topic, and if she goes off into this topic, end the call. Use the meeting recording as backup if needed of any negative behaviour

If he texts about you doing FaceTime each night and you don’t want to/ son too tired etc, switch your phone off or mute his texts/ calls for a while.
I certainly wouldn’t be facilitating this every day, your son is so young.
I agree with everyone else, gran or dad start spouting rubbish/ abuse switch the call off IMMEDIATELY and keep a log of when you do.
Please keep all his texts too.

Just keep replying that he can add her into your chats if she wants to see him. If he says he wants you to call her separately say you don’t want to but repeat that you’re happy to share your chats with him and her. Don’t argue with him, just keep repeating the above. Again and again if need be.

I’d just block them all for a few days.

After that, text him and his mother and say you’ll do FaceTime when it’s convenient for you and will hang up as soon as anyone mentions your marriage or your living arrangements.

Tell the ex that if he doesn’t confine the chats to your child then he’ll be blocked again.

You have to be firm. A friend of mine has a dreadful controlling ex who continues to make her miserable years after their divorce.

Take control.

When you FaceTime, prop up the iPad or phone so it shows the space DS plays in.

He won't talk to the screen for more than 10 secs but he will probably potter about and play while his dad or grandmother talk to him.

That seems to work better for us when ours were that age.

But I understand it's a very difficult situation for you.
What I would prob do if I were you would be
Text mil and tell her you will FaceTime her every second day. Tell her DS gets tired quickly so it'll be a 5 min call. Any reference to your relationship with X and you'll end the call. And do it. Say "that's not up for discussion MIL. I'm ending the call now. We'll talk to you again on Wednesday" ( or whenever the two days later is.)
Re ex, I'd probably call him every other night and as soon as he mentions anything inappropriate I'd say "that's not appropriate. Goodbye" .

It might be easier for you to have the two calls in the same evening, maybe early at 5pm so you have the rest of the evening free.

I would also make a record of comments your x makes that cause you to hang up "ex asked DS if he missed his home" . This constitutes emotional abuse. I ended the call.

Send him a video every other day of DS

Tell him to sort it out with his mum & tell her the same.

Also, tell your mother what's going on so that she knows not to give him any information if he calls her.

It does sound like abuse from your ex rather than desire for contact - but I can see that you do want to be fair and reasonable!

Perhaps it would be good to sit down and decide for yourself what you are happy to offer in these video calls - to his mum and to him.

It isn't unreasonable to put some subjects off-limits.

It isn't unreasonable to make the calls short. (2 year-olds don't like long calls -as you have seen.)

Do decide exactly what is off-limits. (PA comments - demands to look around your rooms - chat with you rather than your son...) Explain this in an objective way - before the calls continue.

REmember that you do have some power.
You can end a call at any time. You have control - it is just a case of being confident enough to use it.

Do you have someone who can talk to you about being quietly assertive in this way?

@Honeyroar

Think I will do that and also suggest it is tomorrow not tonight as someone else suggested so as not to give him the control so to speak. DS is cutting his back molar today and is being a bit of a handful/moody. Am imaging two people competing to talk to him on video will be a bit much for him (My MIL shouts at him on the phone, I think they honestly think it helps with reception ).

Why should she call him every other day and his mother every other day? He's 2! they do not need that number of calls. Jesus.

@Darklesparkles
So he will say I have plenty of time to do call now since I'm working at home with lockdown etc.
Can't win with him

But you can with practice and support from us!

1. maybe start with having a specific time for the Facetime - not when he demands it. You need to do this to balance your work and childcare (end of) Text him and say you are putting some routine into DS life and so Facetime will be at X o'clock for 10 minutes. This will be shorter if: DS is distracted or tired or does not want to speak or if XH starts directing comments to you. Stick to it. You can also add that his DM can be added to this call or she can take his place but there will only be one call.

Text him back "yes, I said I would add her to your FaceTime later".

I think every second day is fine for him. Maybe let your phone go flat, just turn it off, ignore his text.

He has been extremely passive aggressive on video calls recently i.e. pretending to talk to DS but with comments firmly directed at me which i am finding exhausting. Do you miss your home DS? Look you're ignoring your daddy DS, you've forgotten your daddy DS, it's been so long since I've seen you.

OP I could have written this sentence myself. He is trying to make you feel guilty/bad and your DS dislike you more than his 'poor' dad. I promise you this will backfire and your DS will resent him more for saying things like this.
I would continue to facetime but pretend your watching tv, reading a book or cooking at the same time to show you are not interested in listening in to the conversation and hopefully he will get fed up trying to talk to you through your son.

in addition to the recommendations suggested by PP regarding the amount of contact: I'd google 'grey/gray rock' OP. I think it'll come in very handy when dealing with ex in the future. Coronavirus or no. It'll allow you to take back power when you have to deal with him.

All these people who are suggesting that OP starts the call with her demand about how it should go...would you really want your DIL to do that to you when you want too see your GC? That's a horrible way to start a conversation, virtually accusing her of planning to do something which she may well not have in mind. I can just imagine the OP that would come from MIL's perspective.

Just have a normal friendly conversation OP, and IF she brings up the topic you don't want to discuss, just smile and confidently say "sorry, this isn't the time to discuss this. This call is about DGS." and change the subject.

Also as other PPs have said I would FT the mum and be civil and if she mentions getting back together then put the phone down and say your FT is playing up.
By you not FT the mum I feel there is more reason for him to keep texting you and so you need to make rules that YOU have decided - to FT him at a certain time in the evening and her once a week at a certain time. So you are more in control.

Also - have a good chat to your mother. Why is she still talking to him? Tell her she does not need to for you or DS. Just to say "now is not convenient to talk" and say goodbye. Otherwise he is controlling her AND you.

@MintyMabel

”Can you do it today please" is a command not a request in English

Incorrect. You are talking about pedantics, confusing absolute correct grammar, with the way people actually speak in real life.

I disagree, it reads as a demand to me. ‘Could’ would be more polite.

I would generally use could, OH would generally use can. Both would be seen as a request. The issue isn’t the actual words used, it is the tone (hard to discern in a text) and the intent (relational to the character and general demeanour of the user).

‘Can you do it today please’ in text/email is always going to sound commanding, there’s no getting away from it. Could you do it today please is better.

I can see why it coming from an abusive ex would seem like a demand, but coming from your best mate would be seen as entirely acceptable.

I disagree, by text or email, it sounds like a command.

OP, I would do it, not for him but for your MIL and your DS. Set a ground rule though, any mention of the relationship and you will hang up.

Keeping kids in contact with wider family is a good idea where relationships are generally good.

But the relationships here aren’t good. The MIL is taking her abusive son’s side.

FaceTime her. I'd she starts going on then tell her she needs to stop or you will stop the call. Tell her the purpose is to see her grandchild not to comment on your relationship with her son.

This ^

And for what it's worth, I think his "request" is a demand. A "can you get this done" contains an implicit "now".

@YouDancin

I think my poor mum was taken so aback she just talked. My dad did answer one time and said too busy to talk, bye hung up on him immediately.

Pretty sure that talking about you through your son in a negative light is parental alienation which is illegal.

I'd be tempted to document it/record it. You never know when you might need it.