AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

@handslikecowstits

Thanks I will do that; am learning a lot here!

Also learned the term "flying monkey"

Also. I would tell him. TELL. that as you will be calling his mother tonight his call will now be moved to Tomorrow.
DS is not a performing monkey and doesn't have the attention span to go through two calls.
No discussion. No back and forth. One message.

I think propping up the device and letting the adults “watch” DS while he plays and your ex can ask questions- what he’s eaten etc.

But you MUST switch the calls off when he strays into PA mode. And you can have something prepped to say like “off limits, bye” and hang up then Switch all devices to airplane mode until the next day? Or say- that’s off limits next it’s bye time. And just repeat and follow through.

He is being awful and you have the power to stop it. It’s really hard as he’s probably conditioned you to feel like you’re making a fuss or overreacting.

Saying no is scary but you will feel amazing once you assert yourself.
You are not under his control anymore, you don't have to do what he says.

So he will say I have plenty of time to do call now since I'm working at home with lockdown etc.
So what? ‘Completely the other way - working at home with ds is sooo inefficient. You’re lucky I’m still managing to FaceTime with ds most days, I can hardly remember my own name.’ Subtle threat to stop pushing you.
Agree with you need to get a handle on the passive aggressive. Take the iPad back and say i don’t think he’s benefiting at all from this conversation, we will try again some other time.

If you don’t yet feel comfortable enough to cancel the calls can you mute him when he starts being PA?

Definitely don't do this. Film a little video to his grandma and send her that instead.

She gets a message, and you stay in control.

That read like a command from a manager to a subordinate, to me.
How rotten for you, OP, to have to have ExH in your home every night via video. This is your space/territory and he is sniffing around it. That is creepy. Can you go back to audio only? Such a shame DS won't want to chat for long....
Just because you have the technology doesn't mean you have to use it.

"would you really want your DIL to do that to you when you want too see your GC?"

How about the MIL & her son take responsibility themselves to sort something out?

Why is it up to the mother who is busy working, looking after a toddler & getting abuse from both of them to "do this when I say/get back with my abusive son"?

They should both be told to get to fuck in all honesty.

Now that you’re more aware of the techniques he’s using and the fact that you’ve tended to just fall in line, you can start to make changes.
If you don’t like how things are going or what he’s saying, just end the calls.
If you need an excuse, make one. It doesn’t matter. Just start grabbing back more and more control.
Find yourself again.

Hi Darklesparkles have you done the Freedom Programme? You can do it online and for free iirc.

How about suggesting they read him a short bedtime story or nursery rhymes with actions - should help keep both your DS entertained and them two actually engaging with your DS instead of PA shite.

Great suggestions about the Freedom Programme and reading a story above.

Take the chance lockdown offers you to regain some control OP. He can't actually make you call his mother, and you can ignore his messages. Practice not responding. I bet he gets arsy if you don't reply reasonably quickly, am I right?

You need to decide what you want going forward. You seem to be in a state of limbo. Separated but with no thought for a divorce. If you do not want husband in your life everyday with his and his mother's constant manipulative phone calls etc. you need to start planning a divorce when cut and dried arrangements are made regarding his parental contact rights and financial matters e.g. maintenance and property (if any). You need to start this process soon - it can sometimes take a year or two. Everyone will then realise your intentions -that you want to move on with a new life.
Your husband should only talk to your child about you in a very positive way - how good, clever, kind etc. you are. What you have described he says to DS is very damaging if allowed to continue. Your husband and MIL are very selfish and self centred.

Question: can you do it today please?

Instruction: can you do it today please

Question mark = question therefore his statement was definitely an instruction.

OP, don’t ask him about when to contact him / MIL. Try and follow his lead and state. It will be hard and he’ll kick back but steel yourself for that to happen and learn to laugh at the predictability of him

Good luck 🌷

I know my ex and it is very much not a question, even though it seems that way.

It doesn#t seem that way.

Sounds like a bossy 'polite' way to talk to an employee.

You MUST get to the point where you don't roll over because it's easier, because when your DS is older it won't be easier. You have to get to the point where you set out your stall now and just pull back. Now is the ideal time as he can't do anything about it.

'No I want you to do it separately'

No, that won't work for me. I'm happy with doing it together though - up to you.'

End of conversation.

I found Skype ridiculously intrusive when ds dad did it, he told ds off for not looking at the (black) screen (twat’s camera wasn’t working) ds was only 6 ish!

Another time Some supposed cousin I’d never heard of stuck her head into the camera to look at ds - she’d never met him in her life!

So that was that, I shut down the call and never agreed to another one.

@Darklesparkles you have been horribly abused by this man. You know he’s still controlling you and he’s using contact to abuse you.

You actually hold all the cards, so be busy, don’t text, don’t reply, don’t FaceTime, tell him none of this works for you, and none of it is beneficial to ds so better to park it until 1-2-1 contact can be re-established

Then do it. Be free and be happy.

You feel like he’s intruding your life and pulling all kinds of strings and stunts... because he is.

Take back your life.

Your ds only has you to protect him, so protect him.

You CAN do this.

Plus, the passive aggressive nonsense.

Call it out.

On the phone if necessary.

He has been extremely passive aggressive on video calls recently i.e. pretending to talk to DS but with comments firmly directed at me which i am finding exhausting. Do you miss your home DS? Look you're ignoring your daddy DS, you've forgotten your daddy DS, it's been so long since I've seen you. (He is 2, he loses interest in facetime in about 30 seconds!) Your daddy and granny miss you very very much DS and want to see you down here in your home soon etc etc).

'Oh dear, it looks as if Daddy isn't really interested in talking to YOU about things YOU are interested in DS, it seems as if this conversation is for the benefit of mummy, which isn't really what this is for is it? I know, let's stop the call now and call Daddy back when he has something fun to say to YOU, DS!' -END CALL-

Push back.

@ButteryPuffin

Yes, I haven't replied yet. And if I don't soon he will text again, saying why I am ignoring him/depriving his mum of contact with her DGS.

Or start calling. Or both.

Once a week FaceTime is enough. You don’t have to FaceTime him every day. He’s doing that to control you and keep you in line. This is absolutely not on. You message him. You say “in light of your controlling nature, there will be no more daily FaceTime. You will have one FaceTime per week on a Sunday afternoon. He’s 2 and this whole thing is ridiculous. I will send you one short video per day of something interesting that he is doing. This is non negotiable. We are no longer together and you cannot continue to tell me what to do. It’s up to you to forward copies of the videos to your mother. It is not my responsibility to facilitate their contact. I’m done with you. Stop messaging me everyday. Once this crisis is over we can organise a solicitor and organise proper visitation. Until then these rules stand. At no point will you talk to me or about me. If at any point you say anything to our son in the FaceTime that is directed at me I will terminate the call and note your rule breach in my diary. You had your chance and I am done. I’m not your punch bag anymore. There is no chance of reconciliation. Anymore mention of our relationship will be met with silence and I will record the message as proof of bullying to be presented to my solicitor when we are organising custody. Stop your behaviour and sort yourself out”
Then mean it.
Time to toughen up. He’s a prick and he’s trying to control you. Start getting arsey. Fuck him. Don’t message the MIL today. Don’t message him. Why should you? Hes not the keeper of you. If he messages again you reply simply “the answer is no.” Then if he messages again you say “what about no didn’t you understand? No is a complete sentence. I don’t want to FaceTime your mother and so I won’t. End of” then send the same message over and over again to anything he sends you. He’s 2 years old, not 12. Time to take these idiots to school OP.

Everytime he rings press the disconnect button. Over and over again. Even if it takes a hundred times. He’ll soon stop. Time to take charge OP. It’s like training a misbehaving mangey dog. You have allowed him to behave this way towards you. Now the tables are turned. When he messages you about his mother you say “the answer is no. I’ll call her when I want to. If I want to not when you tell me to. Stop contacting me or I’ll contact a solicitor to take out an injunction against you”

No way. This is not your responsibility and you don’t sound comfortable with it. The phrasing is neither here nor there. If you’ve left him and he was abusive you are under no obligation to facilitate relationships with his family unless you want to.

How about suggesting they read him a short bedtime story or nursery rhymes with actions - should help keep both your DS entertained and them two actually engaging with your DS instead of PA shite.

I love this idea. A short 15 minute phone call to read him a bedtime story is lovely for your son and his dad to feel 'involved' but it also is allowing you to set the routine and be in control. And less likely for him to talk about crap and be PA

@Darklesparkles Block him for today. Or mute his number.
Have a day to yourselves without him interfering.

Bedtime story is a wonderful idea!

I agree with a PP take this lockdown as a chance to gain some control back - he cannot physically see his son right now so you are in charge of when he gets to speak to him. If he is rude, PA etc the phone call gets cut and you decide when the calls will be not him.