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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/03/2020 12:50

I would text your MIL and make it clear to her that you will set up a call, but the second she starts with her shit you will cut the call INSTANTLY. You can always pretend to your son that ooh, the network/iPad is a bit iffy today.

And frankly I'd do the same with your ex too. You allow the calls for the benefit of his son, and only his son. He is using it to continue his abuse. Nope, he doesn't get to do that.

SlippedRoofTile · 31/03/2020 12:50

@marchez he should have thought about that before he decided to emotionally abuse his wife. He is continuing to abuse her with these demands. This bloke should not be allowed to win!

YouDancin · 31/03/2020 12:50

I can understand this. But he shouldn't "get" because he demands.
Say it's not working for you and his routine.

Switch notification off on your phone and do it when you want to.
You need to learn some ways to break his control. He's had you under his thumb for so long maybe you need to relearn that what he says doesn't go. You don't have to jump when he says. And he needs to learn that him giving you grief means you are not going to comply.

It is really hard to break the instinctive reaction but you can do this x

Zippyx · 31/03/2020 12:50

Mighty confused for a second... "his MIL" is your mother... 'What a lovely thought,' I thought to myself!

diddl · 31/03/2020 12:52

"And he said no, i want you to do it separately."

And you can say no to that.

If he's in contact with his son every evening then at least one of those contacts he can share with his mum.

YouDancin · 31/03/2020 12:52

@marchez but the child is 2 and needs to be supervised.

VegetableMunge · 31/03/2020 12:53

Of course he's using it as a way to control you. For that reason I wouldn't do the call today, even if you're willing to facilitate it. I'd make a point of doing it tomorrow instead. Wouldn't want to set a precedent for him being the one to decide when such calls should take place, particularly as he's refusing to include her in his own call which would be a perfectly valid and reasonable thing to do. By all means what's app her some videos in the interim.

Original poster

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 12:53

@marchez

Thanks for your comment; I am trying to see the other side too.

I want DS to have regular contact, but he is starting to emotionally abuse while on the call. DS is too young to understand but I notice he picks up the tone of what ex is saying and looks to me.

Do completely understand what you are saying though, if it was me ontact once a week would be horrible. But he is also using contact as a way to control I feel.

OP posts:

Foghead · 31/03/2020 12:54

I would reply back that you’re doing it tomorrow.
Just so he knows you’ll do things on your terms from now on.

YouDancin · 31/03/2020 12:54

Also a thought - two facetimes in one evening could be too much for your DS. So maybe say to Ex that you are doing MAXIMUM one Facetime a day. Either he shares with his mother OR he misses a night? Keep the control in your hands x

CinderellasSecrets · 31/03/2020 12:55

Please don't take this as a judgement on you because its 1000% not, I know how hard it is to be assertive but please, please try not to let him say these things to your son. I was a child with an emotionally abusive/manipulative parent and it has caused me all sorts of problems as an adult in all aspects of my life. His comments towards your son are not ok, and him and his mothers attitude towards you is even worse!

funnylittlefloozie · 31/03/2020 13:00

Can you wean yourself off daily Facetime calls, perhaps? Make them every other day instead.

It is scary standing up to someone when you have been bullied and controlled by that person for years and years. My exH likes to send long pompous nasty texts when he is drunk. I used to respond to them because i was too intimidated not to... i dont anymore, though. I even hung up on him the other day - he went mental over text, but i turned my phone off for a bit. It felt very empowering. Give it a go, and see how it makes you feel.

Original poster

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 13:02

@YouDancin

I would consider 2 facetime in one evening too much. And I have to work during the day (says me currently on mumsnet!) So he will say I have plenty of time to do call now since I'm working at home with lockdown etc.

Can't win with him.

OP posts:

diddl · 31/03/2020 13:03

"I want DS to have regular contact,"

Why?

He doesn't deserve to have to have contact with someone abusive.

carly2803 · 31/03/2020 13:04

i would do it (i have)!

just keep it about the child, if she starts going on about your x, suddenly interpu her and say oh look, DC is doing THIS, turn the phone round and change the subject.

if she carries on , tell her you will hang up. Yes do it but dont take any shit,

best of luck

carly2803 · 31/03/2020 13:04

i would do it (i have)!

just keep it about the child, if she starts going on about your x, suddenly interpu her and say oh look, DC is doing THIS, turn the phone round and change the subject.

if she carries on , tell her you will hang up. Yes do it but dont take any shit,

best of luck

wibblewobblejiggle · 31/03/2020 13:04

Are you recording him? I would.

Original poster

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 13:07

Will try @funnylittlefloozie. At the minute I can't deal very well with him, if he texts and demands to video call DS - I do.

Know myself this is not sustainable. He is using it for control/checking up.

Even last night he asked where I was because room colour had changed (I painted DSs room at the weekend). I said DSs room of course and he asked to see room, which I did and only stupidly realised after that he was checking that I was in the same house etc.

OP posts:

PieceOfMaria · 31/03/2020 13:08

Facetime her but let her know by text in advance that if she starts trying to talk about your marriage you will end the call and there won't be another one.

Simple.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/03/2020 13:09

"I want DS to have regular contact"
Think about that for a minute. What does he get from it, and what constitutes 'regular'? Your son is 2 and quickly loses interest in Facetimeing (because he's a normal two year old).

I'd also be concerned about him picking up on your ex's tone. IIRC it is not unknown for an emotional abuser to weaponise their children against the abused spouse. The drip-drip-drip of subtly rewarding bad behaviour towards the abused parent, where you end up with the children despising the abused parent and effectively continuing the abuse on the abuser's behalf. Think very carefully about how to protect your son from being used like this.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/03/2020 13:09

Look at the punctuation. Were this a question, there'd be a question mark at the end of it. There isn't. There's a full stop, therefore it's not a question, it's a statement.

This is unambiguously a command, and not of the variety that would persuade me to cooperate. Facetime your MiL when it suits. I anticipate you'll have to terminate a couple of these calls before she gets the message that you mean it. They don't sound like the kind of family who are used to respecting boundaries.

OP, congratulations on your escape. Now start the future as you mean to go on. No one has to put up with abusive, controlling behaviour. You left the marriage because of this, and you don't have to continue tolerating it.

PieceOfMaria · 31/03/2020 13:10

But you'd do the same, wouldn't you, under the circumstances? Anyone would I think.

Astressie · 31/03/2020 13:11

I would imagine OP you would be very uncomfortable in this situation. Not only due to the controlling behaviour you were subjected to by your ex but also due to your MIL. Whatever you say to either of them keep it short and assertive. Do not get dragged into long complicated explanations or arguments. For your sake and your son's stay strong - not-easy with what's going on. In fact, with your ex you do not even have to answer his texts as it is not about his son, but his mother. Just make the phone call to MIL maybe text her before and tell her you do not want to discuss getting back with your ex and not to mention it when your son is there. Good luck, you can do it!xx

Original poster

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 13:14

@PieceOfMaria

I would say that too under circumstances. But he has form for checking where I am.

A few weeks ago I was out with DS and told him I was out for a walk and he rang my mother and during the conversation casually asked 1. If DS was there in the house 2. If I was there in the house. 3. Where we were.

This was before coronavirus btw.

OP posts:

Pinkerpellosa · 31/03/2020 13:15

When he said "I don't want to" re having his mother in on the call. Could you say "well I don't want to either. You obviously understand how I feel. Great. So we'll do one face time with her on Sunday
He's entitled to express a preference. That does not mean you have to follow through
Hr

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