To think I can still get away with wearing short shorts?

[Ellaandtoddler]

I’m 23 and a UK size 10 with an 18 month old dd. My legs aren’t particularly toned but I don’t think they’re completely awful! I was looking at clothes for the summer earlier (when we can finally go out!) and I came across a pair of pink shorts that I really liked the look of. I asked my dp what he thought and he said perhaps it would be best to wear trousers or 3/4 lengths now that I am a mum and that my legs aren’t completely toned! I was really annoyed! I had suggested wearing them with a white jumper/ long sleeved t-shirt so it’s not like I would be showing my stomach. When I asked him why he said that he said that whilst I am still youngish I need to dress appropriately now that I have a child. It’s taken me ages after having my dd to feel comfortable within myself and I just feel upset now. Aibu to think that I can still wear shorts?

*"OP you might want this moved to Relationships as the issue is not one of style (WEAR THE SHORTS!)'but of your DH's unreasonable controlling and belittling behaviours.

His attempts to control what you wear are not right at all"*

I agree with this OP. Please listen to people on here, who are telling you this is NOT ok. Trying to change what someone wants to wear is controlling behaviour, and the message behind it (that mothers should look / act different to how they looked before kids, but presumably men don't, that wearing a short skirt means that men will look at you and you have to modify your behaviour to stop this etc) is sexist.

Your updates arent filling me with confidence either - he constantly compares you to a 55 year old neighbour? It's wrong to compare you to anyone even in a 'positive' way eg saying to someone they're beautiful is much nicer than saying 'you're as hot as her'. But it sounds like he is trying to wear you down.

I'd tell him to wear a mask now hes a father as you dont want anyone else looking at him, he should be hiding his face now he's old. See how ridiculous it sounds?

is always encouraging me to better myself.

Which obviously makes you think you need to be better. But because he’s ‘encouraging’ it makes you think he’s a good guy. He’s really not based on what you’ve described. Some men are very good at this.

@leolion81 I did go on to clarify that DP knows I like to dress a certain way, and it's a reflection of how I feel about myself. So if I don't 'look' like the me he knows, he thinks I must be feeling down. In the same way that I burst out laughing when I saw him wear a suit because he HATES wearing suits He'd never tell me not to wear something though.

I think you could probably get away with a lot more without your DP.

This is red flag city.

Does he want you to appear "unattractive" so that other men won't come near you? Is it because he is scared you will realise he is an arsehole and that there may be better men out there?

I am mid 40s if it is hot, I wear shorts. No my legs are not toned, does this mean in your husband's view that only model like 20 year olds are allowed out in public?

So if you feel he’s not controlling in other aspects, then it’s time to sit down and talk about this. Asking him why does he feel it’s ok to dictate what you wear? Why would he have a problem with short shorts/dresses? What does this mean for him? I think you should draw attention to the way it suggests you are a possession rather than an equal partner in life with her own free will. Whether he has any ability to reflect on these points would help me decide if he has controlling tendencies.

When I was first with my husband, he had a lightbulb moment when watching a film, where a woman got used for sex by various people, including her husband. He had never thought before then about the idea that husbands were entitled to sex, and how insane this is. Men can’t help being part of a patriarchal society, but they do have to take responsibility for looking at their part in reinforcing that and make changes.

He hasn’t seen me as being young since I had our dd. Our neighbour is 55 and he compares me to her a lot.

What have I just read. My Ex had many faults (hence the X...), but putting me down was never one of them. I don't know what his game plan is, but this raises a very long length of red flag bunting.

I'm also not sure I like the fact that he is is always encouraging (you) to better (your)self. It seems he is very controlling and doesnt quite like you the way you are. He is trying to mould you into his image of the perfect wife. Have you seen Stepford Wives?

You are very young, Ella, if you don't mind my saying so. 23 is quite young to be in a settled relationship and have a child. Can you tell us more about him and your relationship, and how you ended up in this situation? Is he much older than you? What was his upbringing like?

I just get this niggling feeling that there is more to this than short short shorts... (which, incidentally, I wore well into my 40s )

Omg op this is quite sinister and you don't even realise it!

Your post frustrates me so much.
You’re 23 - still soooo young.
From a 60 year old - keep wearing your shorts, tell DP to fuck off and don’t ask for his opinion again.

Do any of your friends‘ partners say this sort of thing to them?

When I read your responses I do get that it does look bad the way he behaves. He is slightly overweight (only slightly not a huge amount) and I sometimes think he’s just insecure. I know it sounds silly of me but I really love him and he’s such a good dad.

How long have you been together? Because if he's 28 and you're 23 with an 18 month old, I think probably since you were, what 18? And he was 23? That's an age difference at that age and I wonder if he just naturally assumed you'd listen to him. And now you're older he's trying to age you massively so that you feel insecure enough not to challenge him rather than too young to.

If you're now 50, may I suggest not shaving or waxing anything, wearing whatever the fuck you like and doing what the fuck you like. That's what women frequently do when they've had too many years of this nonsense.

He's insecure and afraid of someone else appreciating how good you look.

If you want to wear them, do so. Why bother asking a man for advice anyway, what do they know?

I bet you look great.

He has the image of the demure, respectable mother in his head and wants you to conform to it. Wear what you like and he can accept that or not. His choice. Next he’ll erect a white picket fence round your weed-free lawn. It’s in his head so leave him to it. You have a difference image of yourself in your head so carry on with that.

Think of him as a role model to your DD - not such a great dad is he.
Comparing you to woman in the their 50s - there is no comparison, we can all wear what we like!

Overweight himself too - what an arse.

He has you in mum mode, you are no longer you, you are what he deems a mum to be.

This thread is so sad. 23 years old and saddled with an awful twat like this.

In what ways does he encourage you to better yourself?

Why should you be told that you're "old" now and banned from wearing shorts because he's insecure, OP? It sounds bad because it is bad. He's being a complete wanker.

Tell him to fuck off!! I’m 39 and considerably bigger than you and i wear shorts in the summer.

YANBU

@MrsTerryPratchett I was 19 when we met and were together quite quickly

OP, its your life, your decision but I think you should listen to all the people posting hear. And maybe have a read of other similar threads. Your partner is being abusive an controlling and you’re minimising it by saying he’s just insecure and he’s a good dad.

I understand it’s difficult to accept and to leave him but I’m pretty sure his behaviour will get worse.

He is slightly overweight (only slightly not a huge amount) and I sometimes think he’s just insecure.

I’m interested in why being insecure would make it ok to say what you should wear? Not being funny, just want to ask you to think about it.

I hope you earn your own money, OP. At least you will be more in control of your own choices.