I've upset my DM terribly and I don't know what to do...

[muddleoffeelings]

Mum and dad both have high blood pressure and in late 60's early 70's. I was in hospital 6 weeks ago with pneumonia.
I was meant to leave Mothers Day card and flowers outside door (they live about 20mins away).
Woke up feeling flu-ey and had a 30 min coughing attack.
Husband said there was no way we were going to shop to get cards and flowers as it was non-essential.
I made cards with the children and he dropped them to the front door before taking them out for some fresh air in the forest (we live in a remote area). My parents had gone out to walk on a local deserted beach.
Called my DM later and she extremely cold with me and then eventually burst into tears saying she couldn't believe I hadn't bothered to get her a present. i explained what happened but she said it wasn't good enough.
now I feel devastated that I have upset her so much but my DH says we made the right decision and it's about keeping them and ourselves safe.
I'm not so sure and feel so upset - did we do the right thing??

She's being very childish OP. I have 4 adult children and I was delighted to receive texts from them.
I hope you feel better soon

@FizzyGreenWater
😂🤣😂

Totally unreasonable. Is she usually precious about such things? Given the rather exceptional circumstances she is being entirely unreasonable . Sorry it’s made you feel so rotten. X

This isn't anything to do with her being an old woman.
My DH and MIL are both older women and neither of them as this self obsessed.
This is about the individual personality of this one woman and her age isn't a factor in this behavior.

marionberry actually I still see my role as a mother to be offering kindness, reassurance and love.

Did I hit a nerve there??? Does the woman standing up for another woman who cannot speak for herself rub you the wrong way?

Oh shut up you irritating bollox. Yes, you did hit a nerve, it's called my Irritating Twatty People Who Really Need A Slap Nerve and your sanctimonious arsecheeks are rubbing right on it as we speak. You talk mince.

OP's mum was rude, and upset her, when she's been ill and still tried to do somethign for her mum even when really, she shouldn't have gone shopping at all. And her selfish me me me mum (who I imagine to be quite a lot like you) had a tantrum that she wasn't being fussed over enough. Revolting, given the circumstances. And then a twat like you hitches up her apron and wades in, practically disappearing up her own backside in her attempts to make it all somehow the OP's fault. Just unpleasant. You're unpleasant. Yep, that usually touches people's nerves, but you must know that surely? You being lovely ickle you!

Oh dear Marionberry and OP's Mum, no wisdom or sense of perspective there. 🤦‍♀️
How do some people get to over 60 with such a selfish & self-entitled attitude? It's embarrassing.

@Fivefourthree

"actually I still see my role as a mother to be offering kindness, reassurance and love."

As do I. I don't understand the point you're trying to make. Certainly you aren't saying that it is only [i]your[/i] job, and that you do not expect or want your children to also be kind, reassuring and loving. Nor do I think you're saying that mothers cannot also be hurt, and hurt by their children for a multitude of reasons. I also doubt you are saying that mothers are limited to kindness, reassurance and love. Did you never have to correct your children? Did you never get angry with your children? Disappointed?

No one's perfect. We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt others, even though we had no intention of harm. Which is exactly what I believe has happened here. And I have said I think it was more how this played out than what played out. I really don't think it's about a gift either. I think there's more to it, that the OP may or may not realize at this point.

The point now is that the mother is hurt and crying, and the OP can either be right, or the OP can make things right with her mother.

If the OP doesn't care that her mother is hurt, then she can do nothing. If the OP does care, then she communicates that to her mother. I don't see any threats or ultimatums from the mother. I don't see the mother berating or belittling the daughter; the mother has just expressed her own feelings. And she's entitled to have her own feelings.

I think the OP does care very much. I don't believe the OP wanted to hurt her mother. And I hope the OP posted this for advice on how to resolve matters so they can all do better going forward. Not so a bunch of strangers could insult and demean her mother.

Especially in these times, when we should be looking out for one another and taking care of each other in whatever ways we can.

@muddleoffeelings -- I wish you and yours the best, and I hope you and your mother can work through this and have a better understanding going forward. I get that you're doing your best in difficult times, perhaps more difficult than you have expressed here. I don't want to beat you up. I just want you to understand that your mother's feelings are worthy too, what this looks like from her perspective, and everyone's having a tough time navigating these new rules and expectations. There's a happy middle ground for you both. I really hope you find it. And do take better care to self-isolate yourself so you don't get sick again.

To the petty little name callers -- Seriously? Playground insults is the best you can do? I'm cringing for you (someone has to).

Tell her to fuck off and grow up.

Honestly what a complete arsehole

If my daughter had had pneumonia, NO WAY would I be expecting her to be popping out to drop off cards to me in the current climate.
I’d want her at home and safe. You called her OP, the kids made hand made cards and dropped them off.
That’s more than enough.
All is want for Mother’s Day is to know my children are safe and healthy right now

Wow

My mom is exactly like this and has been since I was about 9. Classic narcissist - I sent her a message yesterday but no card or present as we aren’t seeing anyone; message has gone unacknowledged. I personally don’t understand the need for extravagant gifts and cards (especially when relationships are so obviously strained); I got a couple of handmade cards from my two and that’s perfect. I remember making my mom a card when I was a kid and she didn’t speak to me for months...

The point now is that the mother is hurt and crying, and the OP can either be right, or the OP can make things right with her mother.

Or the mother could realise she’s hurt her daughter and apologise?

Seriously you’re an adult, in the middle of a global pandemic, recovering from a serious illness and she’s upset because she didn’t get a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates? She needs to get a grip. I got nothing but really do not care and have much bigger fish to fry. I would not be contacting her until she contacted me. She’s being totally unreasonable

As your husband went to drop home made cards anyway I don’t see what difference grabbing a bunch of flowers would have made to his trip- he went out with the kids after

THIS.
Sorry OP. Seems like there's possibly a pattern of behaviour behind your DM's
reaction. Such as cheapness or selfishness perhaps? Sorry if I'm wrong

On your part I mean.

I bet your MIL got a present?!

@Duckswaddle You were a KID and your own mother didn't speak to you for months?!?!

I think it's more likely to be a history of bad behavior on the part of OP"s mother, not OP.
There are some mothers who make you feel nothing is ever good enough.
Suspect she is one of them. It's manipulation.

OP, of course you did nothing wrong.

This commercialisation of every event through the year where we are told that we show love by the gifts we give is how we have been manipulated by consumer industries.

Mother's day is a day to thank and celebrate our mothers which you did.
You are also a mother and your mother's day was spoiled because your mother was dissatisfied with your gift.

I am sad for you of course, but also sad for your mum that this is how she thinks her value is measured.

Obviously you need to find a way to move forward with her, but you should be confident that you are definitely not the person in the wrong here.

Can't believe you've got the hide to come on here and preach that we should all be "taking care of each other" given the bile you've been spewing @MarionberryJam. I'm not going to repeat what you said in your deleted post, but in the one following you accused the OP of "doing the absolute minimum for maximum sympathy, then of course blaming your mother" amongst other shit.

You're like one of those 'be kind' FB posting fuckwits; you are the most awful person on this thread by a mile and you think you're somehow superior and sticking up for an old woman with a "hurting heart" (pass the sick bucket)

Marionberry you have been nasty and unpleasant insisting OP was in the wrong so that's what I based my assumption on. I haven't said anything about my children but as you said feel free to make up crap about them if it makes you feel better.
You clearly do expect presents or you wouldn't be so vile to OP. I was thrilled to get homemade cards. Why should anyone expect a gift?

@HavenDilemma yep. I never used to get regular pocket money so I don’t know how she expected me to afford the sort of presents she was obviously expecting - I was about 11 I think; made her a card and got a box of chocolate for her birthday and was given the silent treatment for a long time. Nasty piece of work. And she wonders why she doesn’t have a better relationship with any of us...

@MarionberryJam being an old woman doesn't exempt your from hate or being utterly bloody ridiculous as the old stupid woman in the OP is.