I've upset my DM terribly and I don't know what to do...

[muddleoffeelings]

Mum and dad both have high blood pressure and in late 60's early 70's. I was in hospital 6 weeks ago with pneumonia.
I was meant to leave Mothers Day card and flowers outside door (they live about 20mins away).
Woke up feeling flu-ey and had a 30 min coughing attack.
Husband said there was no way we were going to shop to get cards and flowers as it was non-essential.
I made cards with the children and he dropped them to the front door before taking them out for some fresh air in the forest (we live in a remote area). My parents had gone out to walk on a local deserted beach.
Called my DM later and she extremely cold with me and then eventually burst into tears saying she couldn't believe I hadn't bothered to get her a present. i explained what happened but she said it wasn't good enough.
now I feel devastated that I have upset her so much but my DH says we made the right decision and it's about keeping them and ourselves safe.
I'm not so sure and feel so upset - did we do the right thing??

Remind your mother we are in the midst of a global pandemic. Tell her her present was to be isolated from you and therefore kept alive. And to fuck off until she realises the error of her ways. Well maybe not that last bit but you can think it.

She is probably very rattled by the whole thing. Most people are terrible at understanding their own feelings, especially older folk who would have been more likely to be taught to shut up about their feelings from childhood. If you don't understand your own feelings, you end up doing all sorts of bizarre things when tension is running high. I would assume this is what your mum did.

I would just go with "oh my, mum, so sorry you're upset, I hope you know how much I love you, yes it was a fuckup this year, it's hard isn't it? next time will be better, always remember how special you are to me," etc. etc. until she calms down and accepts it. Then move on and never mention it again.

It sounds as though she isn't at her best, but at the same time, you don't need to spiral into a massive existential crisis over it. You're a grown up, even if she is angry with you, that doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means she's having a shit day and, unfortunately, being a toddler about it.

I’d also ask if she is normally very selfish and self absorbed or if this is out of character?

I’d agree you must know it’s not unreasonable if you, so I’m unsure why you’ve asked in the way you did, even dropping in your pneumonia, your ill health and how you still dropped cards off,to ensure the responses went your way, so I’m not sure what you’re expecting from the thread.

You could easily just have said my mother is being horribly unreasonable and grabby, demanding a gift, when I’m avoiding non essential trips due to ill health and I’m unsure what to do about it.

As for your mother, this depends, it could be a reaction to the current pandemic, or she might always be selfish and grabby. None of us know.

FFS. My son is in hospitality and forgot to send a card for the first time in thirty plus years as everyone's job there has gone down the drain and they've all been stressed.

It doesn't matter a miniscule dot to me. Your mother needs to get a grip.

@MarionberryJam

You are so right. OP, who has just recovered from pneumonia and is therefore already high risk, should have broken the self-isolation guidelines that the government have asked us to follow to send her husband into a store filled with other people shopping for their elderly parents. I can see no way that this could end badly for anyone

Alternatively, anyone getting their knickers in a twist about missing a present when their child, who they presumably have some affection for, is showing signs of Covid-19 weeks after being hospitalised for pneumonia is so self-centred it's beyond belief. The only thing her mother should care about right now is the health of her daughter.

@Applejaxx

"Oh do fuck off MarionberryJam."

Thank you for adding the exclamation mark to my point. That is very illustrative of you. So very very thoughtful and profound.

I think your Mum is probably scared and struggling with the situation, and so projecting anger onto you. I would try and rise above it, given the situation.

Are you OPs mum MarionberryJam?

😂

I can't work out if you are a twat or just a troll Marionberry? Im hoping the latter because I can't believe anyone could spout as much nasty and unhelpful drivel as you have in your first post?

You did the right thing for this time. Are you normally kind, caring and thoughtful towards her?

Thanks everyone. My mum is one in a million and we normally have a lovely relationship. Although I do always have a nagging feeling that I’m not meeting expectations. She is a whirling dervish of anxiety driven energy and I never feel I can match her relentlessness and ability to do 20 things at once. She would do anything for us and her grandchildren.
They have just returned to the uk from a months holiday and coming back to this has been a shock. I think she is scared and it’s the first sign that things are not normal anymore.
I probably should have had something worked out sooner but I got called into emergency cover work at short notice that I had to take because frankly we are afraid of losing our house atm.
My husband is cross that she can’t see she is being ridiculous and I am just so sad to have upset her when she does so much for us. I really thought she would understand under the circumstances but it seems like there is no excuse.

Your mum is playing the 'guilt trip' card. Unnecessary on her part.

OTOH you have had 364 days warning of Mother's Day... maybe try keeping an emergency box of chocolates somewhere in future.

Dry your tears! your mother doesn't deserve them.

These are not normal times. And you have been ill! Pneumonia no less! Mothers Day as we know it has been out of the window this year. Because some things are Far More Important.

The only sense of obligation acceptable when we shower our children in love, is in expectation that that love is passed on to the next generation.

I’m not a fan of a Pile on, but blimey Marion Berry jam, could you have twisted this any further to make it the ops fault?

I find it very odd that a fully grown adult is upset about a lack of cards and present. She's probably just stressed with everything going on. Maybe give her a pass and hopefully she'll apologise when she's calmed down.

Op drop the guilt, as lovely as your mother usually is, she is utterly unreasonable - virus or no virus. Can you imagine guilt tripping your children like that in time like this? Of course not.

She is being utterly pathetic. You're unwell and trying to protect her...

I never got a thing other than the cards the kids made a school wouldn't dream of being cold.and horrid to DH. The kids are to young to shop alone.

Does your mother normally act so unreasonable?

I'm looking forward to a lovely meal out with my family when all this is over. I did get two gifts and cards left outside my door, but I missed spending time with my kids more than anything and wouldn't have been the slightest bit bothered about gifts or cards if I hadn't got any.

You think that's bad, I forgot Mother's Day I speak to my DM on the phone every single day. It crossed my mind to order flowers but put it out of my mind as I thought it was next weekend! She's also not really a 'flower person' and is really difficult to buy presents for fussy fucker

Anyway, even with Boris saying 'don't see your mum on Mother's Day' and every single fucking website showing me ads or promotions for Mother's Day, I still was convinced it was next weekend.

What saved me was a fb post I happened to see at 2 am on Sunday. I quickly sent her a happy mother's day message and we spoke on the phone later where I confessed all. She was surprised but saw the funny side, especially with everything going on I think. I am forgiven

Try not to worry OP, it'll blow over

Your mother is being very unfair towards you. You really haven't done anything wrong in this situation.

She's probably very scared, and if you'd rung in advance and explained I think that would have stopped the problem in it's tracks tbh, as it would seem that you had already arranged to drop the items off - that would have been the shock for her, not to see what she was expecting.

Yes, I think she could have handled it a lot better than she did, but looking at it from her point of view she didn't know the arrangements had changed. If she'd known in advance it might have helped.

@muddleoffeelings

Please. There are plenty of ways that the you and everyone can honor and celebrate their mother that do not require buying tainted material objects in tainted stores. Starting with a simple phone call first thing in the morning. You could have told her how much you love her and appreciate her and how much you wish you could have done more for her on her special day, but gosh darn all those circumstances that are getting in the way. You could have promised her something special when you're feeling better and the coronavirus isn't such a threat. You could have told her that you love her sooooo much that you cannot risk putting her (and everyone) at that much more risk. And you could have definitely not waited to the last minute, committing a hit-and-run-while-they're-out dropoff, and then getting mad when your mother's heart is hurting (for good reason). Much less starting a bitchfest about your own mother on a major discussion forum to ease your own guilt. On Mother's Day.

I strongly suspect that this is a passive-aggressive move in an ongoing battle with your mother, and you have become quite adept at doing the absolute minimum for maximum sympathy, then of course blaming your mother.

I do not believe for a minute that you are stupid. You know and understand why your mother is upset. You know what to do if you want to repair this harm. If you want to do the right thing, you will. If you don't, you won't. Just own it.

Your mother is being pathetically unreasonable and childish. I feel very sorry for you actually

Crikey, she sounds so very self absorbed.