I've upset my DM terribly and I don't know what to do...

[muddleoffeelings]

Mum and dad both have high blood pressure and in late 60's early 70's. I was in hospital 6 weeks ago with pneumonia.
I was meant to leave Mothers Day card and flowers outside door (they live about 20mins away).
Woke up feeling flu-ey and had a 30 min coughing attack.
Husband said there was no way we were going to shop to get cards and flowers as it was non-essential.
I made cards with the children and he dropped them to the front door before taking them out for some fresh air in the forest (we live in a remote area). My parents had gone out to walk on a local deserted beach.
Called my DM later and she extremely cold with me and then eventually burst into tears saying she couldn't believe I hadn't bothered to get her a present. i explained what happened but she said it wasn't good enough.
now I feel devastated that I have upset her so much but my DH says we made the right decision and it's about keeping them and ourselves safe.
I'm not so sure and feel so upset - did we do the right thing??

Your DH is doing completely the right things OP.
It seems likely that your DM's anxiety is causing her to behave badly and lash out at people close to her.
I would ignore this poor behavior but emphasize how difficult the current situation is for everyone.

I didn't see any of my 4 yesterday, they are in various cities round the UK and I won't see them for months. One of mine phoned to apologise for not sending anything, they are a nurse and I said don't worry about it, just look after yourself. Your mum is being unreasonable but perhaps it is the stress at the moment. I hoe she calms down.

I had the same issue with my mother. I've been ill for the past 3 weeks (signed off in case it's coronavirus). I have asthma too.

I spoke to DM on Thursday and explained that we won't be doing anything for Mother's Day but will make up for it later in the year. My symptoms have returned over the weekend so isolating again. I posted cards to DM, admittedly late so won't arrive until today. Cue passive aggressive texts from my dad to 14year old add of how upset DM is that no one has made any effort, despite me messaging her in the morning to wish her happy Mother's Day.

I called her in the evening and didn't rise to it, I'd be so ashamed behaving like such an entitled brat. She has form for this kind of behaviour.

Don't rise to it OP, you've done nothing wrong

I'm surprised that you hadn't already got a present and card, especially as they've been ill

They weren't ill -- high blood pressure is very common and simple to treat with drugs. OP was ill, with pneumonia which is life threatening.

You did the right thing, you might have the virus, for a start. Your mother is selfish and entitled.

Your DM is being ridiculous. I only got a phone call form my DD but I do understand there is a pandemic going on. FFS!
And you have to look after yourself OP

I hope you get stronger soon.

OP, more importantly, are you getting good care? You've had pneumonia, you had new flu-like symptoms at the weekend -- whether it's Covid-19 or not, you're clearly not well. You should be self-isolating with your family.

Your lungs have already had to fight off pneumonia, so you really need to be taking care of your health. You should be resting and having plenty of hot drinks at the least (plus whatever medication you've been prescribed or advised, of course), with your DH looking after you. Please do contact your GP if this is continuing

She is being unreasonable. Does she not get what's going on !?

I feel sorry for you as well.

My mother and I have a very stilted small talk relationship and she can be inclined to be a bit of a martyr to get her own way, BUT, not over something so trivial as a card!

i think she should grow up and maybe be more concerned with how her daughter is

Do nothing.

I can't imagine one of my children suffering from a deadly infectious disease and me moaning about her not getting me present. She's lucky her present isn't CV19 from you.

Like many others on here, I didn't realise see my DC, my dcs or dgc yesterday. We all understood why. One DC had booked flowers a while ago, so they turned up, but other than that, we did our greetings via Skype. There will be plenty of time for us to get together once this situation is sorted and, TBH, being able to hug my dcs and get slobbery kisses from my toddler dgc will be all the gift I want. I really don't understand how any mother could get upset about a lack of a gift in the current circumstances - I definitely go not want my dcs to put themselves, or anyone else at risk by shopping for non-essential items. Anyone who thinks that a card is more important than their DCs health needs to take a serious look at themselves.

If you have come down with flu symptoms and had a coughing fit, shouldn't your whole family be self isolating, not going out for walks?

Well it's a shame that Op's husband wouldn't get anything yesterday morning or hadn't thought about it sooner to help Op as she has been unwell, but there it is.

Op's mum had had cards & had obviously been thought about-isn't that the point?

I'm surprised that you hadn't already got a present and card, especially as they've been ill and you can't see them on person. I can see why your mum might be a bit upset so yab a bit unreasonable.

Do RTFT!
Ops parents have NOT been ill SHE HAS!

DH to have gone to pick something up from the shops.

Which part of not doing NON essential trips are you unclear about?
Going into town to buy flowers when you really dont need to is NOT essential. Why would you ask anyone to put thier health at risk for your own selfish ends? IF Dh had went into shop and brought CV back to the op would that be worth it for a bunch of flowers to stop her mum having a tanturm?

A lot of older at risk women are scared and lonely and miss their kids / grandkids and many think it might he their last mother’s day.
That doesnt excuse having tantrum because someone didnt risk their own health and that of thier family to go buy a bunch of flowers or a present!

Gosh she sounds a bit like my mum! Or at least how she was a decade ago before I (belatedly) put my foot down and said such silly behavior wasn't acceptable.

Well it's a shame that Op's husband wouldn't get anything yesterday morning or hadn't thought about it sooner to help Op

This isn't a needed trip to the shops.
Grown adults don't need presents in the middle of a pandemic.
It is more important that DH doesn't pick up C19 and pass it to his sick DW. The whole family need to be minimizing their exposure.

Your mother is a dick head.

A lot of older at risk women are scared and lonely and miss their kids / grandkids and many think it might he their last mother’s day. - And of course a present and loads of fuss from her ILL daughter would alleviate all her 'hurt heart' and make everything better? All better - Except her ILL daughter who is a high risk?

She is selfish and bullying, not 'heart-hurt' because she didn't get loads of fuss made of her.

@FizzyGreenWater

Did I hit a nerve there??? Does the woman standing up for another woman who cannot speak for herself rub you the wrong way?

The OP invited comments with this post. Unlike the OP's mother, who had no choice and has no voice here. And unlike you, I sincerely doubt the OP thought that this would turn into a hatefest against her mother. That cannot make her feel good.

If you want to hate on old women, I can't stop you. If everyone here wants to gang up and bully an old woman, I can't stop any of you. But I can and will stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. And the only people who will have a problem with that are the bullies. I'm good with that.

I think she is being a bit of cow tbh. I bought mum flowers, they weren’t great and I apologised and she said really they were beautiful and to didn’t matter. It really didn’t.

I am calling every day with whatever supplies i can fine and sitting in the garden and talking to her through the french windows. I think that means more. She knows i cant come in and DD is frontline NHS dealing with query Covid 19 patients so we need to do pout best at this time.

Is your mother always this childish and selfish OP?

YADNBU