I've upset my DM terribly and I don't know what to do...

[muddleoffeelings]

Mum and dad both have high blood pressure and in late 60's early 70's. I was in hospital 6 weeks ago with pneumonia.
I was meant to leave Mothers Day card and flowers outside door (they live about 20mins away).
Woke up feeling flu-ey and had a 30 min coughing attack.
Husband said there was no way we were going to shop to get cards and flowers as it was non-essential.
I made cards with the children and he dropped them to the front door before taking them out for some fresh air in the forest (we live in a remote area). My parents had gone out to walk on a local deserted beach.
Called my DM later and she extremely cold with me and then eventually burst into tears saying she couldn't believe I hadn't bothered to get her a present. i explained what happened but she said it wasn't good enough.
now I feel devastated that I have upset her so much but my DH says we made the right decision and it's about keeping them and ourselves safe.
I'm not so sure and feel so upset - did we do the right thing??

Did you call her in the morning? My mum can get a bit upset if she doesn't get a call on Mother's Day morning. YANBU for staying away at all.

Phone was going non stop yesterday, as the last thing we want is putting our kids at unnecessary risk. We hugged each other after every call. We understand, they understand, your Mum should as well.

I agree with CrazyToast:

"You know YANBU. Unless your mother is usually like this, she is probably emotional and scared and acting out cos of this. Just apologise (for peacekeeping), reassure her of your love, and let it drop. She'll hopefully feel better soon. These are trying times and I suspect many of us will act unreasonably due to stress at some point."

She was wrong, but forgive her in your heart and apologise. She's probably feeling very fragile just now. If she can't get out then she has little to distract her and little things loom big.

We are sharing pictures and videos via whats app. It is tough but tis what it is.

Wow!!!! That isnt what a mum is meant to do.

Your mother is unreasonable! I just don't get her attitude. The only thing I can think is that your husband could have got a box of chocs or something but it probably didn't occur to him.

She will get over it. You're a mother too and you were unwell for goodness sake.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

My daughter is very upset that she didn't manage to get a card to me. They are on the brink of lockdown, she is cooped up in a 4th floor flat, trying to WFH with her DH looking after 2 small kids.

We are on total lockdown in another country. We face-timed yesterday - it was lovely. I don't need a card.

She’s pathetic, we’re in the middle of the largest public crisis since WW2, and you’ve been unwell, but she wanted you to risk your and your families safety to go to the shops and buy her a trinket.

She needs to get her priorities in order.

i think you should upset her even more by telling her to grow the fuck up

You don't need to do anything OP. If this was my DM I'd tell her to get a grip. Does she not realise what is going on outside her bubble of self?

@muddleoffeelings what does your dh say about all this? Does he say she’s being ridiculous? I bet he does.

What do you do about it?

Answer is : ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Your mother put her insane need for some hallmark day in these ridiculous circumstances over your very own health! Her dd!

A NORMAL parent/person would be concerned about you. Worried about how you were. If you were developing symptoms a half decent person would be more worried about that than a gift.

Don’t deal with her at the moment. If she badgers you just express how sad you are that she felt your health wasn’t important to her and that from now on, you’ll be putting yourself and your family first and presents for the kids only, no exceptions

Yanbu. Do nothing. Let her disappointment/utter stupidity sink in. It MIGHT JUST save her (or someone else’s) life.

She is being very unreasonable. Is she panicking and taking it out on you, or is she always like this? You can give her a late present and a visit when all this is over. Better than making her or others ill! Suppose that your fluey feeling turned out to be a mild form of CV, and you went to the shop for a non-essential purpose, and transmitted the germs to a vulnerable person who got dreadfully ill or even died, or to an NHS worker who couldn't do their vital job for weeks? And that before showing symptoms they unknowingly caused further transmission to others? You would have reason to feel guilty if you did THAT, not for failure to buy a present for a specific day ! And surely cards made by the grandchildren are an absolutely adorable present in any case, to anyone who isn't being totally materialistic (or to be charitable, possibly a bit crazy from the current anxiety and isolation). Anyway, do get well and stay well!

She is frightened. Her world has become smaller. Mother's day was the first gut-wrenching indicator that her life has changed.

Would cut her some slack.

@MarionberryJam

She is BVU and should be worrying about the health of her child, not making a fuss over no present! Ridiculous.

is this out of character, or has she always had you running around to please her?

If the former, leave her to calm down (but don't apologise, FFS) and move on - if she won't drop it, suggest she might want to apologise to you. If the latter (which it sounds rather like if you are blaming yourself for upsetting her rather than seeing her tantrum for what it is), I wouldn't be contacting her for a while if I were you, tbh.

Oh do fuck off MarionberryJam.

What a self-centred woman your mother is!

Don't even think about validating that unpleasant world view of hers by apologising. Instead I think I'd be letting her stew on it for a while, and when she contacts, you tell her how disappointed YOU are in HER.

To coin her phrase, it really isn't good enough is it.

Your mother is being such a twat I'm actually embarrassed for her.

Bloody hell, your Mum is outrageous!

We are meant to be in isolation and my DC snuck to the shop and got me a treat I love...I was really quite exasperated (but didn't show it).

Your Mum has no sense of perspective and an over-blown sense of self importance.

I would get your DH (who sounds very sensible) to call her and say 'I understand you are upset that Muddle did not buy you present. She was about to, but as she was coughing badly and had flu symptoms I insisted she stay at home and we both steer clear of shops and anywhere we will be in contact with people. Let's all concentrate on keeping everyone safe and getting this virus out of our society as fast as possible. I am sorry you were upset but Muddle is now very upset. All we were doing was following guidelines."

Oh go ram a card up your ass, Marionberry. What a sanctimonious little shit you are.

Explain once and if she doesn’t like it it’s her problem.

Is this a pattern of self centred behaviour? If this is normal shrug it off, some people go out of their way not to be happy. If this tantrum is out of character ask your mum if she’s ok in general. The older generation aren’t the best at showing weakness and she may need to talk about the virus.

This Mother's Day/Valentine's/Birthday/Christmas expectation of a huge splash is getting really annoying.