I've upset my DM terribly and I don't know what to do...

[muddleoffeelings]

Mum and dad both have high blood pressure and in late 60's early 70's. I was in hospital 6 weeks ago with pneumonia.
I was meant to leave Mothers Day card and flowers outside door (they live about 20mins away).
Woke up feeling flu-ey and had a 30 min coughing attack.
Husband said there was no way we were going to shop to get cards and flowers as it was non-essential.
I made cards with the children and he dropped them to the front door before taking them out for some fresh air in the forest (we live in a remote area). My parents had gone out to walk on a local deserted beach.
Called my DM later and she extremely cold with me and then eventually burst into tears saying she couldn't believe I hadn't bothered to get her a present. i explained what happened but she said it wasn't good enough.
now I feel devastated that I have upset her so much but my DH says we made the right decision and it's about keeping them and ourselves safe.
I'm not so sure and feel so upset - did we do the right thing??

What a selfish reaction from your mother. A grown woman bursting into tears over not receiving a gift - she sounds like a child. I'm literally gobsmacked that at a time like this all she can think about is what gifts she's going to receive on mother's day. I was close to my mum but even so on Mother's day I just sent a card and that was that - she didn't want or expect anything else. It's primarily an overly commercialised process anyway. My Dad always tells me not to bother with father's day too.

This year I told my two sons not to waste their money on me - they should be saving their money in such precarious times. I received a phone call from one and had a lovely long chat (he's in self isolation) and some flowers from the other. I was grateful for both. It's the gesture that counts, the thought - hand made cards are a really personal and genuine gift. Your mother needs to sort out what matters, what counts in life.

Ignore Marion OP that is some serious projection going on there.

Imagine having a tantrum about not getting a present as a grown adult!

In fact if my child had a tantrum about not getting a present there would be strong words had!

Your DH should have gone to grab some flowers while you were sick. Or he could have ordered something from Amazon.

I didn't realise until I joined MN how needy and pathetic some women are about mothers day. If you need lots of extravegant gifts and brown nosing to make you feel validated as a mother then you've got serious issues.

I personally think home made cards and gifts are much nicer and more personal than bought ones anyway.

I didn't realise until I joined MN how needy and pathetic some women are about mothers day.

A lot of older at risk women are scared and lonely and miss their kids / grandkids and many think it might he their last mother’s day. In this situation it’s perfectly possible to order something from Amazon (even if it’s late) or for her DH to have gone to pick something up from the shops.

OP, your mum is,being very selfish. It probably is linked to fear but that's no excuse. Home made cards are the best in my opinion. Much more thought and effort than shop brought ones.
Marion berry I suspect your children make a fuss of you because they know you'd behave badly if they didn't. Sad behaviour from a grown woman.

I can't believe anyone could spout as much nasty and unhelpful drivel as you have in your first post?

Which does rather beg the question of why the OP would post this in the first place if, as you are suggesting, no dissenting opinion can be offered?

OP allegedly thinks she was in the wrong, is it impossible others might agree with her?

MarionberryJam. I had called her

First time at 10am to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and to say how rubbish the situation was.
Second time at 3 to check she had got the cards
Third time at 4 so she could speak to the kids which is when she cried.

A lot of older at risk women are scared and lonely and miss their kids / grandkids and many think it might he their last mother’s day. In this situation it’s perfectly possible to order something from Amazon (even if it’s late) or for her DH to have gone to pick something up from the shops.

And? Millions of people all over the world are in exactly the same situation. These are unprecidented times and no one knows how or when its going to end. The OP's mother is actually in the very fortunate position of having a partner living with her and still being fairly young. Hardly some little 90 year old widow...

@Rosebel

"Marion berry I suspect your children make a fuss of you because they know you'd behave badly if they didn't. Sad behaviour from a grown woman."

Well, of course you are welcome to your own opinion, based of course upon your own values and actions. But I told my kids long ago that I don't want things. I just want happy memories. So, no, I don't "behave badly" when I don't get presents, and they know that.

But go ahead and make crap up about me and my children if it helps you rationalize this kind of crap.

@muddleoffeelings

And yet somehow your mother was still hurt. And I strongly believe it was how this played out, not just what played out. Either way, your mother's heart is hurting. You know what to do if you want to make it right. You know what not to do if you don't want to make it right. It is your choice. Choose wisely.

Is your mum normally so precious? I don’t think you should get upset , more that your dm should behave like an adult and not a child.

My cards haven’t arrived here from the uk but I know they’ve been sent and tbh that’s enough for me. I spoke to both my two yesterday and just knowing we’re all healthy is the best mother’s day present any mum could have. Although last time I was in the uk my dd bought me lunch as an early present but I certainly didn’t expect it.

I'm surprised that you hadn't already got a present and card, especially as they've been ill and you can't see them on person. I can see why your mum might be a bit upset so yab a bit unreasonable.

MarionberryJam my DH and I actually did have a disagreement about him picking flowers up. He said he was sorry but it wasn't vital not worth the risk and therefore it was a hard No.

I decided that it wasn't the hill I was going to die on as we are going to be spending a lot of time cooped up together and it's best for us and the kids if we both give each other a little slack in these circumstances.
He didn't even want to drop the card off as he heard the virus can live up to 3 days on cardboard until I gave him some Dettol to spray on it.
The only reason I have posted on here is in the absence of friends I would normally talk to. As everything is odd and upside down presently I'm not even sure of my own decision making any more.
It certainly wasn't to denigrate my DM, we are both obviously a bit emotional at the moment and nothing hurts more than disappointing your mum even when you are a grown woman in their late 30's.

I think everyone is very highly strung at the mo. We all need to cut others and ourselves some slack.

REALLY sounds like Marionberry is the OP's mother now!!

You did the right thing.
I didn't get any presents and one homemade card from dd, who is still at home.
i'd rather my family keep safe and well.

@muddleoffeelings

"It certainly wasn't to denigrate my DM, we are both obviously a bit emotional at the moment and nothing hurts more than disappointing your mum even when you are a grown woman in their late 30's."

That is understandable. These are crazy times, we're all figuring it out as we go along. And I expect we're all going to find that hindsight is 20/20 when we're able to look back.

And this is true for your mother as well. Now is not the time to be defensive, or worse, offensive. Your mother's heart is hurting. She needs reassurance, kind words, and love.

And it's more than okay to say to your mother, "I wish I knew how to have handled this better so you didn't feel hurt. If I had known, I would have. Everything is just too crazy right now. All the rules are opposite now. But it's not because I don't love you or appreciate you. I'm doing it because I love you and want to protect you. When this is all behind us, let's have a do-over."

Times are crazy for her too. She probably wishes she knew how to handle this situation better too, and may be feeling a little petty and sheepish on top of being just plain scared. You are right that a present a thing isn't the priority now. But you can give her the gift of love and support that she needs now -- no germs attached!

OP your husband did the right thing in not doing more than absolutely necessary. I congratulate him on not increasing the risk for himself, your children and your parents. If only everyone did the same.

Your Mum sounds frightened but unreasonable.
Give her a ring, say you are sorry she is upset but you were doing the absolute right thing and
you will take her for an afternoon tea when this is all over

Either way, your mother's heart is hurting. You know what to do if you want to make it right. You know what not to do if you don't want to make it right. It is your choice. Choose wisely

Now is not the time to be defensive, or worse, offensive. Your mother's heart is hurting. She needs reassurance, kind words, and love

Lol.

Mother needs to man up more like!

Wow your mum sounds like a brat! Most mum's would have been thrilled with the homemade cards. Leave her to stew OP and hopefully she'll phone and apologise once she's had time to reflect on how unreasonable she's been.

You've been recovering from pneumonia, now unwell again, and your mum thinks you should be visiting her!! She is BVU.