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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my DM terribly and I don't know what to do...

207 replies

muddleoffeelings · 23/03/2020 13:27

Mum and dad both have high blood pressure and in late 60's early 70's. I was in hospital 6 weeks ago with pneumonia.
I was meant to leave Mothers Day card and flowers outside door (they live about 20mins away).
Woke up feeling flu-ey and had a 30 min coughing attack.
Husband said there was no way we were going to shop to get cards and flowers as it was non-essential.
I made cards with the children and he dropped them to the front door before taking them out for some fresh air in the forest (we live in a remote area). My parents had gone out to walk on a local deserted beach.
Called my DM later and she extremely cold with me and then eventually burst into tears saying she couldn't believe I hadn't bothered to get her a present. i explained what happened but she said it wasn't good enough.
now I feel devastated that I have upset her so much but my DH says we made the right decision and it's about keeping them and ourselves safe.
I'm not so sure and feel so upset - did we do the right thing??

OP posts:
ShootEmUpSarsaparilla · 23/03/2020 15:04

Your mother needs to catch herself on. Why isn’t she worried about her daughter that has recently had pneumonia, catching a deadly respiratory virus? Is there a huge and unpleasant backstory OP?

mencken · 23/03/2020 15:05

be grateful that you didn't inherit being a spoilt, selfish, entitled fool. What a way for an alleged adult to behave.

she owes you a huge apology. Waste no more tears.

MarionberryJam · 23/03/2020 15:06

@Bluntness100

Pile on? That would be what the OP and virtually every comment before mine did to the OP's mother. And all behind her back, without her having even the opportunity to share her side of it.

One lone comment from one lone poster that dares to stand up for the much maligned mother is not a "pile on". Exactly the opposite.

Willow2017 · 23/03/2020 15:07

I strongly suspect that this is a passive-aggressive move in an ongoing battle with your mother, and you have become quite adept at doing the absolute minimum for maximum sympathy, then of course blaming your mother.

Christ you love making up a good story dont you?
Read the Ops posts about how well she gets on with her mother and how she got called into work for emergency cover before spouting such nasty shite.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/03/2020 15:08

Er, wouldn't the normal reaction from a caring parent be to ring up her daughter and see if she was all right? Not go all huffy because you hadn't managed to add a present to the hand-made cards ffs. Did she not even know you've been ill recently or is having a present more important than your health? Hmm

rvby · 23/03/2020 15:09

You do both sound like massive drama queens, to be fair.

I think Marionberry is picking up on your side of the drama creation, whereas most others in this thread are picking up on your DM's drama.

There is no need to prostrate yourself on the floor and bathe yourself in your tears while you explain how haaaard it's been and how your mum is U but you're still self flagellating because of how loving and kind and guilty you are (you can see how it comes off as a bit of misdirection on your part - as if you're trying to draw attention away from your misstep and to get sympathy from folk instead), just as there is no need for your mum to spit her dummy out over a MD gift.

Possibly both of you need to get a tiny little grip...

EverythingChanges321 · 23/03/2020 15:09

Is she a Daily Mail reader?
You can generally tell them quite easily by their selfish me, me, me attitude.

Just ignore her for a few days until she’s had a chance to mull it over and hopefully, come to her senses.

Zombiemum1946 · 23/03/2020 15:09

If you'd done as she's expected, and you got sick, how would she feel then ?soon
Get well soon Flowers

diddl · 23/03/2020 15:10

Does your husband have a mum that he got anything for?

Ivyr0se · 23/03/2020 15:10

Well in fairness, you did leave it to the last minute and then were too unwell to do anything better.
I think she is a bit ott but if that's the dynamic of your relationship with her, you knew she would be expecting something.

Maybe she is afraid that this might be her last mother's day and would have liked more effort from her daughter not her grandchildren.

Willow2017 · 23/03/2020 15:11

That would be what the OP and virtually every comment before mine did to the OP's mother. And all behind her back, without her having even the opportunity to share her side of it.

What 'side' could there be?
She threw a tantrum over a bloody gift? She got cards she didnt get a text telling her to fuck off! Nobody needs to do that when they know their dd hasn't been well.
Cop on, there are more important things to worry about just now like op having to work so she doesnt loose her house!

You are just making up shit to make yourself feel the big I am.

EstuaryBird · 23/03/2020 15:12

If she’s not usually like that then I’d put it down to suppressed fear about how life is changing and just continue to be kind and loving until she comes out of it.

If, however, she is like my mother (deceased) and will stop at nothing to make you feel like a guilty ungrateful child then just let her stew.

Pollydollx · 23/03/2020 15:15

She's ungreatful. If this has taught us anything it should be that materialistic things do not matter. A home made card is lovely. How can she be so self centered when you have been so unwell?

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 23/03/2020 15:16

I just wish they would scrap all these stupid things like Valentines, Mothers Day, Fathers Day etc.

It's not even Mother's Day - it's Mothering Sunday, a religious festival that has been turned into yet another commercial opportunity.

They are all days that just seem to make people feel shit - my FB feed is full of people miserable over mothers that are no longer here, mothers who feel forgotten, people stressing over not doing enough for their mothers etc etc.

zombieapocalypseisnigh · 23/03/2020 15:16

Your mum is being grossly unreasonable. Seriously. Wanting you to risk your actual health so she can have an unneccessary present on the day.

I'd have some choice words for her, frankly.

JKScot4 · 23/03/2020 15:17

Her gift is well and alive daughter, selfish old boot!!

Zombiemum1946 · 23/03/2020 15:19

My mum wasn't perfect but she would have been more worried about me than a card. She would have been absolutely delighted with cards made by the kids, as would my mil. This is just sad.

Northernlass99 · 23/03/2020 15:23

My mum rang me last week and told me not to get her anything for mothers day or her birthday as she didn't want me going out for it, and she didn't want deliveries to the house. Your mum needs to catch up with the news!

DishingOutDone · 23/03/2020 15:24

So in 30 years time OP if your DCs don't get you a present because they are unwell, are you going to behave like her and justify it by saying "well my mum did it so it must be right" - ?

MarionberryJam · 23/03/2020 15:24

@Willow2017

"What 'side' could there be?"

So do you think criminal trials are a waste of time too? No witnesses, no evidence, no nothing for defendants because the only "side" is the accuser's side? Do you have personal knowledge that the OP is telling the whole truth?

"She got cards"

Yes, a card made with the same hands that are somehow too risky to visit but are okay to drop off? That makes sense to you? If health risks were really the issues, wouldn't it have been far better to take a pic of the handmade card and text to her mother?

"You are just making up shit to make yourself feel the big I am."

I didn't make anything up. No need to. The OP told her own sorry story. And this doesn't make me feel good at all. On the other hand, the love and genuine concern my own children have shown me, even my daughter-in-law, makes me feel the "big I am."

SewItGoes · 23/03/2020 15:24

What a lot of fuss over nothing! The world would be a better place if people stopped giving a damn about total waste of money cut flowers! A handmade card from grandchildren should be cherished far more than a store-bought bouquet and mass-produced bit of cardstock.

Maybe your mother is feeling fragile from the stress of the CV situation, but if she's always like this, she needs to take some time to think about what really matters in life. You calling her on the phone to talk is in itself a better gift than a handful of stupid flowers. Hmm

Mlou32 · 23/03/2020 15:25

Wow. How selfish of your mother.

Crumbwell · 23/03/2020 15:26

If you woke up with a temperature and a new cough then your husband and children should not leave the house at all for 14 days.

TrickyKid · 23/03/2020 15:27

Your mum needs to get real.

Isadora2007 · 23/03/2020 15:28

As your husband went to drop home made cards anyway I don’t see what difference grabbing a bunch of flowers would have made to his trip- he went out with the kids after so it’s not like your family were self isolating was it? Or if you only felt unwell on the day it was clear you didn’t bother with the card and flowers before last minute buying on the day. So yeah I can see why your mum is a bit hurt. 🤷🏻‍♀️