Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

She sounds lazy to me.

So she has three childfree days a week?

She should be helping keep on top of things. If she won’t then I would get a cleaner

She sounds lazy

I'd get a cleaner. You shouldn't be doing this at the weekend.

It's unreasonable for her to not do more housework and also be against getting a cleaner.

I suggest trying to get her to understand why she is against the cleaner and why she is against helping more. There doesn't seem to be an issue with time or ability there so it must be a bit of a mental block.

Just get a cleaner, she’s not willing to help, you don’t really have the time and it’s bothering you.

No I wouldn't rip you to shreds. I think she is being unreasonable and needs to keep on top of it or hire a cleaner or both.

Not putting the rubbish into the bin so you have to clear it on a Saturday is disgusting and lazy. Also the kids should be being taught to put things away and into the bin so she teaching them bad habits.

Yes. Tuesday to Thursday.

Also I would get the kids involved in the Saturday clean to help ensure they learn from you how to keep on top of things - hopefully that will rub off as they get older and they can do more to keep on top of things

She's being unfair. She ought to do a lot more around the house.

Yes she’s lazy!!!

I'd want to understand why she doesn't want a cleaner?

3 days to herself every week? She should be able to keep on top of stuff at home easily. This would piss me off too.

I work 4 days a week, DH works 5/6 and I accept I need to do the bulk of the house stuff as I’m there so much more

Ok so I put Yabu purely based on the fact you can’t change a person. She clearly just isn’t like you and isn’t bothered about cleaning, some people are just like this. I don’t think however you’d be unreasonable to just get a cleaner anyway, so long as you can afford it.

From what you've said don't sound like you're being unreasonable. You are in a partnership and every couple spreads the load differently whatever works for them balancing 'work', housework, shopping, cooking, kid duties etc. but it sounds like you are doing a disproportionate amount of the work. It is not unreasonable to not want to live in a pigsty. If DW (dear wife) won't step up and share the work evenly then get a cleaner. Tell her either she chips in a proportionate amount so you both get some downtime or you are getting a cleaner - no to either is not an option.

Dont care if you're a man or a woman, would say the same thing if the situation was reversed.

Ffs she sounds lazy

Your wife has two days a week at school- how much work does she do at home for school? I’d imagine she has reading etc and assignments that in itself is pressure.
If you’re out the house everyday at 7 am I assume your wife is getting the dc ready for school etc and doing the school run? Your wife prepares dinner every night and does the pick up - laundry and any after school clubs. Your two dogs at home- I’m assuming your wife is responsible for them during the day?
Are you home to help at bed - bath time reading- homework?

LAZY. Your poor wife.

When you’re cleaning the house on a Saturday - who’s watching the dc?

Just get a cleaner. I’m assuming you’re happy to pay for it

I only work two days per week and I do the vast majority of the housework and think that's only fair, my husband washes the pots after tea because I do all the cooking but the house is never that untidy. I couldnt live in a messy house though so you may have to get a cleaner if she doesn't want to do it. I've no idea what she doesn't keep it tidy but people have different standards and it sounds like it's not something that's important to her.

Large houses are overrated.

I would want to hear her perspective on it before commenting really. It's not as simple as "she's not depressed". Firstly how do you know that? Secondly could it be related to thyroid issues, anaemia, any number of medical issues that could make day to day life just overwhelming. Always look into the reasons before you assume that there isn't one. What does she say - that she just can't be bothered or that she is struggling? Or does she feel there is no point cleaning because when she does, it's never good enough for you? Or does she think it's fine? It is difficult when you have very different standards. You do need to meet in the middle with those and not just take over.

Of course it could just be that she's lazy and wasting her life on MN. But also, there could be an entirely different narrative in her head and she may be struggling and/or your standards might be impossibly high. What does she say?

@lynzpynz
It is not unreasonable to not want to live in a pigsty

Problem with that statement is people have different views on what a pigsty is. My ex has OCD and very controlling. Everyone who knows me comments on my cleanliness and tidy home, he on the other hand ran me into the ground, ruined my confidence and made me question everything I ever did, still to this day it affects me. He would have said exactly what OP is saying.

What does your wife do on Saturday mornings while you're cleaning? Could you both clean together along with setting small tasks for dc6 - make a game of it for him/her and you'll find dc3 joins in too.

Much more will get done in much less time and you could offer the children a 'reward' e.g. trip to the park, local attraction/indoor play or even an ice cream when the ice cream van comes by (when the weather warms up a bit).

What the f does she do on her 3 child free days. Lazy git

Get a cleaner and tell her that it's not up for debate - fair enough if she doesn't want to do it, but she doesn't get to veto a cleaner and expect you to do it all at the weekends.

You don’t need her permission to get a cleaner (much like she’d not need yours if the boot was on the other foot).

She's a vag lodger