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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting wife to do more

349 replies

Shroppfly · 14/03/2020 12:06

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

OP posts:
0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 14/03/2020 14:23

The only unreasonable part is her vetoing a cleaner. I think you need to flag up how much this is getting to you and challenge the idea she can veto it because that's effectively delegating to you.

She's not necessarily lazy at all. She's probably very busy and probably still does loads. But someone does have to clean the bathrooms etc and if it's left to you, you have the right to make decisions about it or at least have a voice.

YABU about complaining the house was never in good order all at once. That's a personal preference.

Xenia · 14/03/2020 14:23

You should have married someone better! I earned 10x my husband's earnings and took two weeks off for the babies and then went back full time and we both did as much as each other at home. Try to get your wife back into full time work and to out earn you as soon as you can.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 14/03/2020 14:23

And don't show her this thread.

bringincrazyback · 14/03/2020 14:25

If she's refusing to do more, imho that means she forfeits a say re getting a cleaner. I say just get one regardless of the fact she doesn't want one. Housework should be a shared task and she's refusing to do her share.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/03/2020 14:26

Xenia that is not something I would be proud of or recommend.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 14/03/2020 14:27

All these women saying'My house was immaculate'... That's a personal preference. No one has to live that way and it's not necessarily preferable to high grades and time invested in the children. Don't encourage the OP to get resentful about that. He clearly chose his wife for other reasons and it's unreasonable to expect an immaculate host if you married a creative free spirit. No one can have it all. The question is, how does she have the nerve to expect him to clean the bathrooms if she won't. That's unreasonable of her. Not her disinterest in keeping an immaculate house.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 14/03/2020 14:28

Xenia

Why. Just why.

BlackSwan · 14/03/2020 14:30

She's lazy. Send her to work and hire a cleaner/nanny.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 14/03/2020 14:30

Washing for 4 people is a job on its own!

I don’t think I’ve seen a more outrageous statement on MN in all my years here!

😂😂😂

willowmelangell · 14/03/2020 14:31

Organise a cleaner.
Train the dc to clear up after themselves.
Cleaners do not tidy so you will find yourselves being more tidy in anticipation of the cleaners visit.
Are you sure there are adequate bins/storage/toyboxes/laundry baskets around all the house?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/03/2020 14:31

Xenia i think it's admirable to encourage women to work & be ambitious, earning wise, but not everyone thinks it is optimal to leave a baby at 2 weeks old.

Deadringer · 14/03/2020 14:31

Based on your op she sounds like a lazy lump. I would get a cleaner in on the saturday for a few hours and use that time to do something fun with the dc or have some time to yourself.

sauvignonblancplz · 14/03/2020 14:33

@Xenia

Slow clap .

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2020 14:34

It's not unusual for partners to have different levels of cleanliness. Usually, they compromise - the messier tries harder, the tidier tries to be less wound up by it. Agreements are made and stuck to.

"I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it."
Now, I'd call a cleaner a compromise. The messier partner doesn't have to clean to their tidier partner's standards, and the tidier partner doesn't have to live in a home they find stressful. By refusing, she is insisting you live how she tells you. It could be claimed that by hiring a cleaner you are insisting she live how you tell her, but unless her mental health is impacted by living in a clean and tidy home that she is not required to clean and tidy, I'd call that a false equivalence.

The cleaning has to be done. She's not doing it, it's getting on top of you. Just get a cleaner in. If she's not going to do it herself, she doesn't get to insist that you do. Just get a cleaner in.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/03/2020 14:36

Ps xenia times have changed. I've taken full maternity leave of 13m with each of my 2 children and i have an excellent and lucrative career nonetheless.

lowlandLucky · 14/03/2020 14:39

Tell her she either pulls her weight or she gets a full time job to help pay for a cleaner. She is taking the mick so put an end to it. Giver her the choice

deydododatdodontdeydo · 14/03/2020 14:40

YANBU.
Even if her three child free, non uni days are taken up with course work or housework (and it they're not, she is lazy), she should allow you to get a cleaner.
PS. Me and DH do washing for 4 on a Saturday morning. Doesn't take 37.5hrs.

TeacupDrama · 14/03/2020 14:42

Washing for 4 people even including ironing is 2-3 hours a week 5 minutes to load machine 10 minutes to hang up to dry X 6-8 loads is 1.5-2 hours and an hours ironing we do 4-5 loads for 3 people 2 lot of sheets and towels 1 light 1 or 2 dark

BlackSwan · 14/03/2020 14:43

I'd call leaving a baby at 2 weeks of age being a shit mother. That's just me.

elliemcx · 14/03/2020 14:48

Just get a cleaner. If it's affordable for you and would free you and her up, why not? Cleaning can seem endless and relentless and in a big house, you only finish cleaning, and you've to start again. Just explain to her as you have done here, that's it's to enable you as a family have more fun times, no accusations. Better all round for both of
you.Smile

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 14/03/2020 14:49

I'd call leaving a baby at 2 weeks of age being a shit mother. That's just me.

I believe this is what is called “not in the spirit of the site”. It’s not a choice you would make, and you obviously have the luxury of choice, but plenty of women do have to go back to work when their babies are small. How about giving them a break? Having childcare while you work is not “leaving a 2 week old baby”. Think outside your own tiny little box once in a while.

AlexaShutUp · 14/03/2020 14:52

She's taking the piss.

Ellisandra · 14/03/2020 14:54

@Xenia you forgot to mention that you have 5 children. There will be 2 or 3 people on MN who don’t know, so please don’t stop including that. Also, please don’t stop posting - I enjoy your posts so much!
And in amongst your posts, I do actually support your continuing message that women should aim to earn, and earn well.

Lynda07 · 14/03/2020 14:54

Shroppfly, there's nothing to stop you hiring a cleaner for a couple of hours a week or three hours a fortnight and farming your ironing out to an ironing shop - neither break the bank. Many people do that who aren't on high salaries and consider it money well spent, it takes the pressure off.

I've read that she veto'd the idea of a cleaner but you could insist. My husband, years ago, objected to a cleaner and the ironing shop but when I just went ahead and arranged it, he was really glad and relaxed.

Techno56 · 14/03/2020 14:57

My husband was/is similar - he would eventually do housework, but is less bothered than me so I always ended up getting fed up and doing it all myself.

I told him this wasn't acceptable to me anymore and he could either share the big cleaning tasks with me at the weekend (and I would do top up cleaning during my 1.5 days off in the week) or we would be getting a cleaner.

We got a cleaner. He pays. And also does all the laundry at the weekend. I clean the kitchen every day and other stuff as needed.

Originally I asked if we should get a cleaner, he said he didn't want one, I waited to see if things would change, they didn't, so I didn't ask again, I just stated the two options and then sorted the cleaner out. We are both happier because of it.