Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

She sounds totally bone idle to me. If she won’t entertain a cleaner, then she gets up off her lazy arse and does it herself!
No way should you be spending your Saturday AM doing cleaning.
What’s her excuse?

I'd love to hear her side..

I don't think we have enough info to comment. You said the kids were in full time nursery but then you say she's child-free Tues - Thursday, so not full time then? As far as I can tell she has 3 child-free days, 2 of which she spends at Uni. It is possible that she spends the other child-free day doing assignments/ research. Is that right? If so, she actually has no child-free days. It seems that she does all the school runs, shopping, cooking for the children, washing and some cleaning. I expect she also has to spend some time doing stuff with the dogs too as well as child-care during the 2 days she is actually 'off'. You are expecting/ hoping for her to do more cleaning during that time too, but it's not really clear whether she actually has time to as it depends on what really fills those days. You get home at 'bedtime' which is anywhere from 6pm to 10 pm depending on age of kids. If it's more like 6 then I think you need to do some things in the evening. You may feel exhausted but so may she. If it's 10pm I take your point more. One thing that occurred to me is whether you are both encouraging/ requiring your kids to do more housework themselves. Are they of an age where that would be possible? If I've made wrong assumptions here about your wife's timetable can you give us more information so we can help you think this through?

I think like Beer has said, that she is doing a lot in addition to her studies but it’s not seen. Can you get a routine where you both do 15 minutes of tidying each evening and find ways to get the kids involved during the day. That would make it easier to have a cleaner as your wife wouldn’t have the additional load of having to make sure things are tidy for the cleaner. Try to be a team and approach it that way rather than with accusatories that don’t acknowledge what she does do

You are perfectly reasonable to want a cleaner house. Why not book a one-off deep clean first, then have a conversation about how nice it is to have the house in good order. She might be more open to a weekly cleaner then.

(GOD, I’d love a cleaner)

I have three days at college, then I'm expected to do at least 20 hours independant study at home, I have 4 kids and also work 16-20 hours a week yet I still keep the house fairly tidy. Your wife is disgusting and lazy. Book the cleaner and tell her it's happening regardless of her wishes

What hours are they children both in school nursery? Does she tell you what she does during this time? Has she said why she doesn't want a cleaner?
She does sound lazy tbh.

I feel really sorry for your wife. I’m really upset on her behalf about the names she’s being called on this thread.

^ this

And no one knows what is really going on for the OP’s wife, or the reality of the situation.

Sunglasslover Tues-Thurs are the days she's at home and not at college. (Presumably she's in college on Monday and Friday).

That's how I read it anyway.

What is she studying?
How much time does the course expect its students to spend a week on it?
Did she discuss this sort of thing with you before she started the course?
Did she discuss how much time the course was supposed to take and how she was going to fit it in around her childcare hours?

What does she do during those three days she doesn't have uni? Is her course really intensive and she needs to study? Or is she sitting on the sofa playing xbox?

What kind of reading/homework does her course require? If she does all the childrearing before and after school, she only really has about 18 hrs to herself during the week.

What do you do in the week when you get home? If you both did a 15 minute blitz during the week after the kids went to bed it would make a big difference on the weekend.

it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

Take a day off and plow through all these little jobs. It's unreasonable to wholly dump home maintenance on her.

I know I’d be the same if DH and I lived together. I am bone idle. Mostly because I have a relatively easy time of it. However I was bringing up my DC as a single parent, I was at work from 8 -6 plus a weekend job and doing everything in the house plus looking after a dog.
You want something done, give it to a busy person.

What @73Sunglasslover said.

When does she study?
3? Full time is that not nursery age where the child is only in school 2.5hours?
Does she visit with family? Take the children to classes?
She does the food, washing, school drop offs and pickups, no doubt sorted bdays, drs, dentists, possibly visiting granny’s and grandads. She should be getting an hour or two at least throughout the week on her own.
What’s the compromise here?
Can you come home and do dinner bath and bed a night or two and your wife could get some cleaning done?
What would you like to happen? How many hours a day do you think she should clean?
What are your expectations?

Agree with PPs.
Take a day off and go through the clutter with her (whilst kids are out of the house.)
Arrange a cleaner. You don't need her permission.

hahahaha always, always, always the 'I'd love to hear her side' comment.

Well I won't comment on wtf your DW is doing, but you have different standards and the slovenly one imo doesn't get to veto help if they won't step up and they're the one with the time to do it.

So I'd go ahead and organise a cleaner. You can't keep doing it all yourself.

Good luck

I would say that jobs like sorting out drawers and putting up pictures get put off and end up accumulating in almost all households TBF.

There isn't a huge amount of time between school drop off and school pick up once you factor in travelling time and having lunch myself. Once the kids are back home, I'm usually marshalling any arguing while also making dinner, dealing with school admin. Then eating dinner, baths and bed time. In the evenings the time is my own so I don't do housework then. I usually have 9am-2:45pm and I tend to sit down for 45mins to eat lunch. If your wife is trying to get her studying done in these times without the children, then I can see how the cleaning isn't getting done.

However she's being unreasonable to not want a cleaner.

You say she's a part time student 2 days a week. Do you mean she has 2 days contact time, and then studies on her 3 free days. Or does she only do her studies on those 2 days so is genuinely free on the other 3? Whether it's unreasonable for her not to clean is fairly reliant on that I think. If she is studying on those days then she is busy.

She may also not see mess the way you do. Many couples (and just flatmates) have different standards.

That said, you clearly need to work out a way for the house to be at a level of cleanliness that you need it to be. I don't think it's reasonable for her to be against getting a cleaner but I think you need to talk to her about her objections, and about how the house makes you feel.

Reluctant to side with you when I don’t know what level of tidiness you want.

I lived with an owner-landlord who would tut if you finished a cup of tea during the first half of Corrie, and didn’t use the advert break to go and wash it. Seriously. It was AWFUL.

I’d over rule her on the cleaner though.

I have three days at college, then I'm expected to do at least 20 hours independant study at home, I have 4 kids and also work 16-20 hours a week yet I still keep the house fairly tidy. Your wife is disgusting and lazy

When would you like your medal, you utter (judgmental) hero?

And also @Wearywithteens she is obviously perfect herself

I bet it would be fine to call a bloke disgusting and lazy with only the wife’s side of the story though.
But hey, it’s Mumsnet.