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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting wife to do more

349 replies

Shroppfly · 14/03/2020 12:06

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 16/03/2020 06:24

I’d put your foot down and tell her the chores need to be split equally at the weekend and also during the week.

I’m not very good at house work. My DH bought a whiteboard and wrote daily chores on it (we both work full time) and either of us tick off the chores. At first it was mostly him ticking them but now I try to do at least half, and if I’m feeling particularly competitive or energetic I do all of them.

RedskyAtnight · 16/03/2020 08:04

I think going to lectures/tutorials also counts as learning time mauvaise.

A part time degree should not be taking you all the time between 9.30-3 (say) 5 days a week. Even allowing for travelling time and "tracking down library books (!!!)". They are (generally) designed to be completed around a part time job or even a full time job.
Even if she does spend literally all day, every day studying, OP's wife should still pick up after herself/throw rubbish away as she goes along. Again, we'd all be saying this if this was a man.

saraclara · 16/03/2020 08:10

A part time degree should not be taking you all the time between 9.30-3 (say) 5 days a week...They are (generally) designed to be completed around a part time job or even a full time job.

Exactly! Most people doing part time degrees are holding down jobs! If they weren't they'd go for the full time option and get it over with quicker.

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 16/03/2020 08:14

Tracking down library books made me giggle.

Mydogatemypurse · 16/03/2020 08:16

Is she depressed. Just get the cleaner

WaterOffADucksCrack · 16/03/2020 13:38

tracking down library books 😂 yes sooooo difficult putting details into a computer. Making out women can't cope with small tasks is infantilising.

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 16/03/2020 13:54

Is that new "sourcing food"?
Btw I just tracked down a library book. Applaud me, people!

Icecreamdiva · 16/03/2020 13:56

If you want the house cleaner than she does (and it sounds like you do), you have two choices - do it yourself or hire a cleaner. I know you said she doesn’t like the idea but I would tell her that you are going to hire one as a three month trial and see how it goes.

My DH didn’t think we need a cleaner but since he does about 2% of the housework (and would quite happily live in squalor) I didn’t take much account of his opinion in the matter and hired one anyway.

RedskyAtnight · 16/03/2020 14:04

Congratulations Bodies!

Surely the way to track down lost library books is to go off and do something else and wait for them appear?

LolaSmiles · 16/03/2020 14:06

Exactly! Most people doing part time degrees are holding down jobs! If they weren't they'd go for the full time option and get it over with quicker.
Very true.
It's really common for part time students to have a job.

Then again, on MN some people find it almost impossible to believe that there are men out there who do their fair share around the house and anyone who is in a relationship with one is just lucky. It has nothing to do with choosing to settle down with a man who does his share.

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 16/03/2020 14:18

@RedskyAtnight oh no. That's no proper tracking. You need to quietly scour the library. It took a while, but I found shelves where similar books were huddled in together so I assumed the one I want might be hiding amongst them. Then I had to patiently wait and scan the shelves... Carefully though! So the books wouldn't spook... There is was. The blue book I have heard legends about. I slowly approached and snatched it. Ha! Good hunt. Didn't even put up a fight. All in all, that 4 hours of hard work was worth it.

RedskyAtnight · 16/03/2020 14:26

Bodies Ah I was thinking of a library book lost at home! When generally searching for it is the last thing you want to do :)

But congratulations on a successful end to your epic quest!

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 16/03/2020 14:28

'Twas epic indeed @RedskyAtnight. Thank you
Bows to the imaginary applause

Isthistrueor · 16/03/2020 14:33

Most people work and some raise children as well as doing a PT degree. I did a FT degree with three young DC and also worked PT. My house was certainly messy, I can’t lie but I didn’t have child free days to doss about like your wife does!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/03/2020 22:42

Ha, I also assumed the library book tracking was around the home! in which case, unless you had it fitted with a radio-tracking device, you'd need to actually look for it, in real life, in person.

Apparently we still have a school library book here in our house, from 2 years ago. We don't though - it's bright yellow, so unless it's lost its cover, we don't have it. But we've spent several hours looking for the damn thing, because the librarian said DS2 hadn't brought it back (he had).

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 16/03/2020 22:55

Oh no. My library books are contained in a small space in my house. Can't just let them roam!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/03/2020 01:28

Ah, that's yours, Bodies. I know where mine are too - but the small child? He's a bit careless with his and they do go a bit feral. Grin

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 17/03/2020 07:57

@ThumbWitchesAbroad 😂

mauvaisereputation · 17/03/2020 10:14

Ehh I guess I did different degree to you all, becuase I seemed to spend a good part of my time tracking down library books! If you've got a big research library then yes of course it takes time to find the right floor/wing/room/shelf etc. You might have to wait for the librarian to get books from the stacks. You might need to go to more than one library.

I also don't buy into the idea that degree success depends on doing the minimum amount necessary and that doing any more than that is irresponsible. I worked very hard on my degree and so did everyone else I know who did "well". I really don't think anyone in academia would see this as something embarrassing, as is being suggested. When I was doing my degree the guy who came top in the year by some margin (and who then became an All Souls scholar) apparently worked from 4am to 6pm everyday! Even really clever people also work hard on their degrees.

MarginalGain · 17/03/2020 10:24

YANBU.

LolaSmiles · 17/03/2020 10:35

I also don't buy into the idea that degree success depends on doing the minimum amount necessary and that doing any more than that is irresponsible. I worked very hard on my degree and so did everyone else I know who did "well". I really don't think anyone in academia would see this as something embarrassing, as is being suggested.
True but a part time degree is just that: part time.
Many people who study a part time course work alongside their degree (either undergraduate or postgraduate). Most people I know in schools who have their MA/MEd have studied these courses whilst teaching full time. Many people who do the Open University have a job they do and study fits around it.

The idea some are suggesting that the OP's wife is so busy to do basic adult housework because they're doing a part time course 2 days a week and have 3 days child free is ridiculous.

Listing step by step what going to the library involves doesn't make it a bigger task. It's a basic part of studying that all students will do, whilst managing to pick up after themselves at home.

mauvaisereputation · 17/03/2020 11:48

@lolasmiles, ok well it really depends on the course. I do think that if she is doing a demanding course and is ambitious then it is totally understandable that she spends significant amounts of time on it. Yes ok I agree there are some part time degrees you can do in a few hours a week (OU courses, MEds - someone I know essentially blitzed their MEd final project in a weekend). But she could equally be doing medicine or law at a RG uni!

I also don't think there is any suggestion that she is not doing "basic adult housework". She's looking after kids, apparently doing 'creative stuff' with them, presumably dropping off and picking up, cooking, presumably walking dogs. I just really don't look at this woman's life and see hours of freedom. Also as someone who works and has a cleaner 2 times a week, I still end up doing housework at the weekend.

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 17/03/2020 12:21

I bet you it's art

LolaSmiles · 17/03/2020 12:29

mauvaisereputation
It's a part time course, so there is no expectation of full time hours. Otherwise it would be a full time course. This is common sense.

You're being quite dismissive of OU courses and MEds when OU courses suggest 16 hours a week per 60 credits studied, though like any course you will have some who do the bare minimum and get by. MEd courses are usually grounded in the workplace so it's hardly surprising that people who've done their practitioner project in the workplace can write it up quickly because the bulk of the work has been done already. I found my education masters easier than previous study because it linked in to what I was doing at work. It didn't make it a course to spend a couple of hours a week on, but it was a part time course and so the study hours reflect that.

I'm not suggesting doing a few hours a week, nor am I suggesting there should be no chores at the weekend. What I'm saying is that a part time course does not take up a whole week so someone at college 3 days a week, then at home without children during school hours for 3 days a week shouldn't be leaving the house in enough of a state that their working partner has to pick up after them before starting to clean on the weekend. That's basic adult housework.

LolaSmiles · 17/03/2020 12:30

**At college 2 days a week and home without children during school hours 3 days