Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

For a part time degree, I'd expect OP's wife to be able to do the majority of her studying in the 2 days a week she's at college. So there should be plenty of time for housework in the 3 days she's at home. If she did an hour (or even half an hour) of housework a day and got better about doing bits and pieces like tidying up as she goes along, it sounds like it would break the back of it, without being too onerous.

And no one knows what is really going on for the OP’s wife, or the reality of the situation.

Oh, come on. The point of AIBU is one person asking if something is fair. If we applied this logic to everything on here the board wouldn't exist.

No one's perfect but you sound pretty good to me.
I think you've got to sell the cleaner idea to her - perhaps suggest the cleaner does a month's trial.
Finding a good'un should be the hardest bit (imo).
Fwiw, personally couldn't live in chaos - I literally can't think straight, so totally understand where you're coming from.

Quick question if your filling a bin bag with rubbish that's been lying around all week how much of it is yours? Are you guilty of just leaving crap where it lies and hoping it gets picked up? Or is all the rubbish you pick up just hers and the dc.

Is your home organised in a way that will help you both take care of it?
For example waste paper bins in each room. Separate a place for paperwork little baskets for each person at the foot of the stairs etc.

Get a cleaner and outsource the ironing, I have a cleaner on a Saturday morning and it it bliss. Husband didn't want one but I arranged it for while he is out shopping on Saturday mornings and he soon came round to the idea.

I'm amazed such a paragon has time to hop onto a women centred forum to seek agreement that his wife is lazy. What with all those bins to fill today with her detritus.

Are you looking for the legendary "woman's view", us laydees being a hivemind and all?

A childminder here in my expensive south east commuter town is £6ph per child.assuming 3 hours per child per day, that's £36. A minimum wage job Is £8.21 oh. For an 8 hour typical day, that is £48. There will be little/no tax etc on that level of earnings. That brings in £36 after childcare a week, which is what I pay my cleaner for 3 hours a week. Sorted.

TheBitchOfTheVicar
Leaving bagfuls of rubbish around the house isn't disgusting and lazy then? Are you the wife?

Even if she is busy all day, so is OP, so the housework should at least be split. Studying part time means just that, so she has at least an hour or two three days a week, that's more than enough to do a quick tidy, get rid of rubbish, clean the sides and run a Hoover. I have two preschoolers, a large house, a dog and a part time course and I do the majority of the housework. We also have a cleaner once a week though to deep clean.

Also i did a degree full time, and it was not that much work.

Entirely depends on the subject and the grades you are working towards. Not that I'm excusing the OPs wife from not pitching in, but I don't think it is reasonable to just state that doing a degree isn't time consuming.

I’m currently studying a full time course - in uni 2.5 days per week, but I currently spend both weekend days (16 - 20 hours a week) studying and writing assignments as it’s a full time course - but I have a nursery aged child who only goes to Nursery for the 2.5 days when I am physically at uni as that’s all we can afford. So I spend 4.5 full days studying including taught time and study time your wife has three school length days free - in reality only 5 hours free each day when you consider drop offs and pick ups so 15 hours a week. Obviously all course are different but there physically wouldn’t be time for me to do any additional housework as I need to maximise the time I have when the children aren’t here.

Washing for 4 people is a job on its own! I've read it all now!

We have 3 under 5 including a breastfed baby. I work and study and dp works full time. We split the household tasks depending on our schedules/who's at home more and don't have bin bags full of rubbish in her house!

What does she do in her 3 days when not at college?

Do you get time to do anything for you OP? Do you have hobbies?

Perhaps you can bring up the discussion about you needing some time for you as well, therefore you think hiring a cleaner is best. If she is so adamant that you should not hire one, then some sort of schedule could be suggested so that you also get a break.

I worked double shifts at local pub, child minded inbetween shifts and cooked and cleaned while bringing up 3 children. My home was very clean so were my children. Obviously your wife cant be asked its that simple. Get a cleaner in before you combust lol

Hopoindown31
My husband is doing his masters in 2 years, it's 2 days at uni and around 10 hours independen study. He also works 40-60 hours a week and manages to look after the kids when I'm at work and to do a spot of housework too. A masters is a masters, it's a certain standard and as such the work load is roughly the same regardless of subject

Dude, just get a cleaner. You get stressed out by mess and she doesn’t; she will never feel motivated to do things to your standards If she doesn’t share those standards. It sucks but you can’t make another person share your priorities. Maybe she could switch to doing the degree full time & then find work she enjoys. I know that when I’m busier, and feel a sense of forward momentum in my own life, cleaning takes up less of my headspace and so doesn’t feel so unbearably oppressive.

I love how there are always mumsnetters prepared to defend the indefensible...as long as the 'accused' is female.

Quick question if your filling a bin bag with rubbish that's been lying around all week how much of it is yours? Are you guilty of just leaving crap where it lies and hoping it gets picked up?

Read the OP's posts. Does he sound like someone who's untidy and leaves his own rubbish around? Also he works long hours so I doubt he has much time in the house to create rubbish. I also very much doubt that he expects his wife to pick up anything!

To the PP who said that she must have lots of assignments and reading.. I am currently studying for a degree, working 2 days a week, manage to sort my DD and drop offs, plus house work, because my DH works 70hrs a week, it can be done.

You sound like a kind and thoughtful husband who simply has different needs of a home to those of his wife - as is your right.

I think you need to explain to her how much it is getting you down and why, what that extra time would mean to you, and take it from there. It wouldn't hurt to get the children into the habit of doing their bit either, and very easy to make a game of. If she is not willing or able to do more around the house in order to achieve this, it seems perfectly reasonable that you get a cleaner in.

There would be so many LTB and much less defending if the OP was a wife posting about her husband. Not often requests to hear the other side on those threads.

OP, I'd get a cleaner.

Hopoindown31

OPs wife is doing it over six years. So it's at least only half the work of doing it in 3.

Do you work away a lot OP?

Why is she so resistant to a cleaner?

I have sympathy with both of you as I detest housework but also detest living in a pigsty.

I work 4 days so have limited time but we got a cleaner. GAME CHANGER. She keeps on top of stuff and it never gets out of control anymore.

I can’t understand her resistance.

Just insist on a cleaner to go in and do 4 hours on the day when your wife is at uni - then when you come home it'll be nice and clean.

If you can afford it you could also send out the laundry (your wife might prefer that than a cleaner) and I've also heard you can get it ironed as well. Regarding organising the drawers - that's not a priority - I sometimes go through and get them all in order - within a couple of days they are back to their usual mess - 'cos no-one gives a poop about how much time I've spent lining everything up straight and neat (so it's pointless)

Also your wife might not get as stressed with the mess so really it's kinda you that needs to chill out a bit.