Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

I wouldn’t call anyone disgusting and lazy with the info given here.

It’s hard work being a stay at home parent to young dc - even harder when you’re studying or working as well.

It's not really about this. It's about different standards/preferences and her unwillingness to see it any other way than through the prism of her own priorities. I also have a far lower standard than my DH, although when we swapped roles and he stayed at home, I was basically seething when I found that he thinks bathrooms stay magically clean. Anywya, we fixed it by getting a cleaner (also avoiding the topic as it makes me too mad). She can't neither clean nor want a cleaner , that's stupid. Just hire a cleaner yourself and arrange for her/him to come when your wife is at college. Why shouldn't you.

On the 3 days the children are at school, does she have work/studying related to her course?

If not, I would say suggest she get a part time job. The corresponding boost to household finances can fund cleaning etc. Even if it's minimum wage work it should bring more in than the wraparound childcare cost, especially as with no other income she would pay little or no tax on her earnings either, unless she can earn a higher level of pay.

Also i did a degree full time, and it was not that much work. Plenty of the other students worked 20-25 hours a week part time around studying, as well as fitting in loads of socialising, sports & activities.

One student on my course was a parent, she also fitted in part time work. This was a well regarded course at a Russell group university so relatively demanding.

Just get a cleaner. She isn't going to do it, she doesn't want to and doesn't see the problem.

YANBU
We have a big house and I have a workaholic husband. Children grown now and I have worked full-time for the last 15 years. His full time was 7.30am to 9pm; mine 9.30am to 6pm when dc were at school; 8.30 to 7ish now. Cleaner 7 hpw. House has always been immaculate and I have always picked up all household stuff including child related admin and apts, tradesmen, etc.. imo we have made equal contributions as a team.

Doesn't sound very fair on you at all. And student two days a week? Lucky she's in a position to be able to follow her dreams (which I guess you cover the literal buck for). A clean and tidy home for the family primarily looked after by the person who's actually at home (whatever combination of partner, children, pets) is not about feminism, it's a human respect and care for eachother. And I don't mean gleaming - but the intention of the best that can be done, which clearly isn't the case here.

She's lazy. In fact she's bone idle. No two ways about it.

Must be like living in a teenager's bedroom if you're having to collect rubbish before even starting cleaning.

It would drive me nuts.

I'd expect her to not be doing as much in the house with her schooling but why on earth is the rubbish not going in the bin and are the children putting their rubbish away. That's a basic minimum I'd expect of anyone. Hell even my 3 year old manages to put his rubbish in the bin 80% of the time

It’s hard work being a stay at home parent to young dc

Hmmm. Considerably less so when they’re in full time nursery and school.

Whose idea was it for her to study OP? And what was the house like when she worked/before you had the kids?

Also i did a degree full time, and it was not that much work.

Same and that was a university, not a college. Ops wife is at college. I've done both, you do even less work at college than you do at uni, and that included coding for me. You can easily spend days on coding and get nowhere. You don't need to spend 3 full days on studying.

Plus it's not exactly difficult for her to spend what, half an hour to an hour a day clearing rubbish and putting a load of washing on? That would take 10 mins at best? Another 15 to hoover the house. If you've got a dishwasher, load it and set it off takes like 10 mins as well. 3 easy things that would take 35 mins tops and she can't be bothered. That is just lazy. She won't be studying all day for all 3 days guaranteed.

I dream of the days my kids are at school so I can have a lovely show home. I work two days a week and have four primary age kids with one at home still. I just about keep on top of it but it’s tough.

OP shes lazy

Shes got 3 days free ..

The house shouldn't be a mess by the weekend

Lots of replies and different views thanks. My wife is studying a bachelors degree part time. It will take 6 years. So of course there is study required at home but not the same as full time degree. I tend to do the shopping. We both walk dogs. We both do bed time. She’s out twice a week doing her hobbies so I do the bed time routine those nights on my own. She does do most of reading etc with kids for school. When I’m away with work she obviously does on her own. She washes the clothes. I tend to do ironing I cook at the weekends, but to be fair that’s
My choice because I Like doing it. I’m not looking to slate my wife, she’s a wonderful Creative mum and I love her a lot I’m just trying to figure out the beat way to change something that’s making me a bit miserable. I don’t have a go at her and i have suggested cleaner not in acuusatory, critical Way but more around getting more time to do fun stuff.

I don't think wraparound childcare for 2 children is going to cost less than a minimum wage job would earn.
But there's a whole raft of other factors to take into account: If there are 2 dc, one in school and the other in nursery, do they start and finished at the same time and place every day, or is W's time taken up with multiple school runs? She does the cooking, what about the shopping, planning , etc that goes with that? I can remember spending a morning a week dealing with that stuff, and food prep and cooking takes time everyday, as does the clearing up before and after eating. L laundry is also time-consuming g, especially the hanging out/ folding/ putting away, and she's probably tidying daily as we ll. Also general family admin, kid wrangling from 3:30- bedtime, college work etc. If she also exercises a couple of hours a week, plus travelling to gym/pool etc, I can see how his she wouldn't have much time over for cleaning.
If course she could be lazy, but might she might be tired , or have other physical issues? I ask because I've had back problems since I was pregnant which mean I couldn't do Even an hour's straight cleaning without needing to lie down. Because it's invisible, it's not really acknowledged or understood.
You don't say why she doesn't want a cleaner- what is the issue the re?

Call an agency and book a cleaner. If she doesn’t want one, get them to come on a Friday when she’s out. They can do 4 hours for you and the house will be perfect for you on a Saturday morning. Sorted.

2 days at uni are NOT a full time course. I don't know any uni which would have full time contact hours in only 2 days annoyingly so. Absolutely no excuse. Nor is 20 hours for college. It does NOT take longer than 30 min a day to keep a house to reasonable standard if it's kept routinely. And once a week do a deeper clean together.
She is being lazy and unreasonable to refuse cleaner.

People saying she is a student so she does plenty, no absolutely not an excuse. I did a full time law degree and worked 3 jobs and when i did my part time masters i also worked full time and the house was never a shit tip. She is being lazy, just get the cleaner.

Well it's hard to say because OP hasn't come back to give more details. So your wife does childcare, the cooking, shopping and washing alongside studying. Doesn't sound lazy to me. I don't think either of you are lazy.
You don't need t her permission to get a cleaner.

Sounds like you do your fair share OP- obviously the times you are away for work are different. Even with studying I don’t see how in the free hrs she has on her non uni days she couldn’t clean a bathroom etc. And if she can’t a cleaner sounds good. I’d over rule her on the cleaner

Everyone saying shes has a lot on her plate already.

The man is equally working his head off Mon to Fri..not like hes doing less and expecting her to do more

You dont expect him to go to work mon- fri everyday 7am and OH is out 2 days a week and the dirty pile is huge by weekend?

Im a mum with two kids with my OH thousands of miles away and working these same kind of hours..and i know how extremely stressful it is..when at the weekend you just want to rest a bit and theres so much to do

I won't expect OH to be here, less busy than me during the week, and then i find myself cleaning excessively during the weekend while hes been home during the week?

I think its a bit unfair

I think your wife is BU to not allow a cleaner to come in once a week.

OP - just get the cleaner booked. Full stop.

And if she complains, tell her it is so you can spend more quality time with her at the weekend instead of cleaning and also to ensure she does not have to clean on her 3 x childfree days.

Don't back down - you need to do it for your sanity.

Just get yourselves a cleaner.

She knows you're working long hours each week, and then watches you do all the tidying and cleaning BY YOURSELF on a Saturday. That demonstrates quite a level of selfishness. Why doesn't she join in with you?

We used to do our cleaning on a Saturday morning. ALL of us, including the kids. It was with a 'let's get this out of the way, then the weekend can start' attitude, then we'd go out and do something nice.

I can't imagine standing by while my DH did it all, even if he hadn''t been working long hours all week.