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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting wife to do more

349 replies

Shroppfly · 14/03/2020 12:06

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

OP posts:
copperoliver · 14/03/2020 12:30

Think she's lazy. I would tell her you are getting a cleaner, if she doesn't do it, you are getting on and it's not up for debate. X

DeeCeeCherry · 14/03/2020 12:31

She must have to do research and assignments surely, and be put at Uni 2 days per week? + dogs have to be fed walked and taken care of. School runs and pick ups, DCs breakfast & tea etc.

It sounds to me as if she does a lot that you simply don't see. Perhaps she could do a bit more but with studies + 2 kids + 2 dogs I doubt she's as idle as you say. Who does the laundry BTW?

She needs to do more of the housework basics I'd say. Have you thought as you're not around all week she may be overwhelmed?

Oblomov20 · 14/03/2020 12:32

Dh didn't want a cleaner. His objection really hacked me off!

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2020 12:33

Why doesn't she want a cleaner?

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/03/2020 12:36

I feel really sorry for your wife. I’m really upset on her behalf about the names she’s being called on this thread.

2 days Uni is a full time degree- what is she studying?
2x small scale that she is responsible for from 7am onwards drop off pick up - lunches - appointments - extra curricular etc
Large home
2xdogs
She does the laundry
Cooks dinner every evening

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/03/2020 12:37

*dc

EL8888 · 14/03/2020 12:37

I think we need more info to give opinions. What level of course is she doing? How much reading, research and assignment does she do for her studies? On the face of it she appears idle but a lot less so if she has to spend 30 odd+ hours doing academic stuff

dottiedodah · 14/03/2020 12:39

BeerIncome Agree totally , Washing for 4 people is a job on its own! She is also cooking a meal every evening which involves shopping, preparing and so on.Added to that 2 children to get out ,fetch from School and her own college work as well! Do you say that you will get a Cleaner as a kind of threat, do you think she takes it as a critismn ? I would speak to her and say you realise its busy for her in the week ,and a Cleaner may help both of you .I am not critisising you as you work hard and help as much as you can and are also tired after a week at work .

LittleBoyJuly2020 · 14/03/2020 12:40

Super lazy and I'm surprised ou've put up with this. I would NEVER expect my partner to clean up on a Saturday when he's been working all week. Totally unacceptable.

I hope you have a serious talk with her amd sort her out.

Outtedagain · 14/03/2020 12:41

Has she always been like this?
Yabu to expect her to change if you always accepted it.
Yanbu to expect her to pull her weight and you need to sit and work out a plan together.

maa1992 · 14/03/2020 12:41

She should do more. No excuses, if she has free time then pick up the slack

BlueJava · 14/03/2020 12:44

I think it's hard for you have different standards to find a compromise. I have everything super tidy, regularly "Marie Kondo" rooms/cupboards/wardrobes and keep on top of everything (with the help of a cleaner!) But some people just don't see it. However if you are offering to pay for a cleaner and she won't have it I think she is very unreasonable. Organise it and tell her it's a trial period for 4 months.

LindaSmithfanclub · 14/03/2020 12:44

Just because she's only going to college for two days a week doesn't mean she isn't busy studying on the other days but it does sound as if she's decided she doesn't want to be responsible for all the domestic work. Is this something you discussed before having children?

Sounds as if you have different levels of expectations/ tolerance of untidiness/ cleanliness . If you're expecting a clinical level of tidiness in a home with two young children then you're being unreasonable. A six-year-old and a three-year-old will make a lot of mess.

OlaEliza · 14/03/2020 12:44

I feel really sorry for your wife. I’m really upset on her behalf about the names she’s being called on this thread.

2 days Uni is a full time degree- what is she studying?
2x small scale that she is responsible for from 7am onwards drop off pick up - lunches - appointments - extra curricular etc
Large home
2xdogs
She does the laundry
Cooks dinner every evening

Jesus Christ, how DOES she cope!? 🙄

lynzpynz · 14/03/2020 12:46

@Helpme1010

this statement: 'By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours'

suggests that the OP doesn't appear to hold unreasonable standards as your clearly abusive ex did. Having to fill a whole binbag of just accumulated rubbish before you can start cleaning/tidying sounds an abnormal level of mess.

PhoneTwattery · 14/03/2020 12:46

Get a cleaner.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/03/2020 12:46

The wife isn’t on here saying she can’t cope is she?

I don’t think she’s a vag lodger or lazy.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/03/2020 12:46

She is either lazy and I have done a full time uni degree with 3 kids under 5 and 2 older children and still found time to do housework, or the house is too big and you need a cleaner regardless of her objection.
The OP clearly states he walks the dogs every morning and is back for bedtime most nights. His wife cooks during the week and does the laundry but no ironing. How long does the laundry realistically take? 10 mins to collect and chuck in machine, 5 mins to bung in dryer or 10 to hang on line, 30 max to fold and put away. Less than an hour.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/03/2020 12:47

Sorry ^^ that’s to ola

timetest · 14/03/2020 12:48

What does she have against cleaners? If a woman was posting this she’d be told to ignore the objections and hire one.

lalafafa · 14/03/2020 12:49

show her this thread, she's a lazy fucker.

Fatted · 14/03/2020 12:49

Just get the cleaner if you can afford it. How old are the DC? Can they help out with chores? What is her course? A 'part time' course might require more time for reading, essays etc.

I've worked full time and part time. I'm the one who has exceptionally high standards of tidiness about our house. By my own admission excessive. I can see both sides with this.

Having had arguments with DH about his involvement in housework, I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. Lower your standards where you can. Do what you do on Saturdays, get a cleaner for the week and ask for DW to do set jobs in the week.

I am curious though, you mentioned hanging pictures up. How bad is it if pictures need hung up constantly?!

RedskyAtnight · 14/03/2020 12:50

Washing for 4 people is a job on its own!

Even if you are handwashing and mangling everything, it really really isn't.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/03/2020 12:51

I agree about the cleaner.

Some people resist initially because of the faff of interviewing - hiring and having someone in the home etc.

But if you’re upset enough to post on here then I think your dw should suck it up and give a cleaner a try.

QueenofmyPrinces · 14/03/2020 12:51

What woman on this earth would turn down the suggestion of getting a cleaner? Good God. She’s clearly mad Grin