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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DS has to include his brother in a play date?

219 replies

WhenYouveAFirstInEnglish · 10/03/2020 16:15

If they are in the play room?

8 and 4 (just turned) DSs. We have a playroom full of toys. When eldest DS has a play date they are welcome to take what they want up to his room, play on Switch for a bit in his room etc but if they want to play in the playroom they have to include little DS. I think that’s fair enough?

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 10/03/2020 18:30

No, not fair at all.

CeibaTree · 10/03/2020 18:31

The friend has come to play with your 8 year old not your 4 year old. I think if it was a couple of years age difference maybe it would be different. Your sons don't have to come as a package, I think that's really unfair. Sure don't be mean to the 4 year old if they are all in the playroom, but no need for the 8 year olds to have to change their interactions to suite someone who is half their age!

strawberrylipgloss · 10/03/2020 18:33

I have a rule that if they are playing in our house then they have to include him otherwise ds is opening dd bedroom door and in retaliation they keep slamming it shut trying to keep him out.

Your poor dd. Her room should be her space-especially when she has a friend round.

MovinOnUp · 10/03/2020 18:33

I really can't see how it is unfair.

The elder DS has a room to go and play in with his friend, Which I would say is the norm. The vast majority of households don't have playrooms.

As long as the same rule applies when the younger DS has friends over to play I think it's completely fair.

Haffdonga · 10/03/2020 18:33

Why unfair when big ds has the option of playing in his room without his brother or in the shared playroom with his brother?

OP is giving her big ds the option, not forcing him to entertain his little brother.

And isn't it unfair on the little brother to be removed from the shared playroom which is where the toys are just to allow older brother the run of the house?

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 10/03/2020 18:34

YABU. There are seven years between my sibling and I, and I was always made to include them if I had friends over. It was a pain in the arse, so much so that I stopped having friends over.

Don’t do this to your son.

showmewhatyougot · 10/03/2020 18:36

Yabu

Hopeisnotastrategy · 10/03/2020 18:40

So many parents apparently who aren’t prepared to parent their own children and expect older siblings to be their childcare.

Wake up, the way things are going tonight you are going to have to do an awful lot of childcare for your own children soon. Up your game. Make sure you have stocks of crayons, paper, snap cards, playing cards, dominoes, snacks, whatever you need and stop being so full of yourselves. Time to adult, we’re going into a crisis.

DPotter · 10/03/2020 18:41

As long as you're prepared for friends to decline a second playdate, yes go ahead and insist the 8 yr olds play with the 4 yr old. Your DS friend will go home and say - they made me play with friends little brother, don't want to go there again.
Too large an age gap and even if it was 18 mths, it's still unreasonable. That why you invite a friend for each child for a playdate

Roomba · 10/03/2020 18:42

I think it's unfair too, sorry. DS2 (almost 8) is made to include his 4 year old half sister in everything he does when he's at his Dad's house and it drives him nuts, despite him being very fond of her. He wouldn't want to have to 'share' his friends, kids need to develop their own, separate friendship groups from their siblings without having to be 'big brother/sister' all the time. You will just breed resentment amongst your kids if you force them to do everything together like this. I remember DS1 stopped going round to one friend's house tears ago, as the friend's toddler brother barged in and ruined every game they tried to play, followed them round everywhere and it spoiled the fun every time.

Lynda07 · 10/03/2020 18:47

No, at eight he should be allowed to play with his friends without including little brother.

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/03/2020 18:47

Completely unfair.

ploppityplop · 10/03/2020 18:48

unfair. The friend came round to play with their friend.....not for the pair of them to provide some sort of babysitting service!

Parent the 4 year old yourself.

WitchQueenofDarkness · 10/03/2020 18:48

My mother made me include my DB who was 4 years younger if I had a friend over.

I was so embarrassed by this that I stopped having friends visit.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 10/03/2020 18:50

In my teens my younger sibling, quite a few years younger, assumed every boyfriend of mine had come round to play with him and monopolised them.

That went down well, I can tell you. ☹️

Aragog · 10/03/2020 18:51

Why do the older ones prefer the playroom? Are there particular things in there that can't be moved or used in the bedroom perhaps?

On the surface it doesn't see unfair as the DS1 and his friend do have alternatives. They do'nt have to play with the 4yo. They have choices - they can play in DS1's bedroom or outside, both without DS2.

If, however, they chose to use the playroom they have to accept that DS2 will possibly be around and may well chose to play alongside them. If they make that choice and are playing in the shared playroom then it is rude to ignore and exclude the other child all the time.

Only reason why there maybe an issue is if there is something specific that can only be used in the playroom.

adaline · 10/03/2020 19:03

No, that's massively unfair.

You should be entertaining the 4yo. It's not your 8yo's job.

Bluetrews25 · 10/03/2020 19:18

No, unfair.
Doesn't matter if their ages differ by 4 years or 4 minutes, the other child has come to play with DS1, not DS2.
Carry on if you don't mind your sons resenting each other for ever. And you.

Emmelina · 10/03/2020 19:20

Sure. His room, his space. Playroom, shared space.

SmallChickBilly · 10/03/2020 19:22

In most school playgrounds, 4yo do not play with the 8yo.

Weirdly, though, at home ed groups where there is no imposed age segregation, primary aged children (and younger) often all play together. I've been to many, and never known children to naturally divide themselves/their games by age - it seems to be whoever wants to play running around/families/dressing up does and they all just seem to find their level of involvement in the game and run with it.

That said, I don't insist that my oldest plays with the youngest (same age gap) when he has a friend over. They often do anyway, but if they want a break then I will happily entertain the littlest for a while so that they can play without him.

Letthemysterybe · 10/03/2020 19:30

Unfair to force it.

MindyStClaire · 10/03/2020 19:42

there comes a point when 4 year old wants to join in a really exciting game he can see and I think that’s fair enough?

Of course it's fair enough for him to want to, but it's your job to teach him he can't have everything he wants. It's also fair enough for the older child to want some time away from his (much younger) sibling.

As I said before, I was the older sibling in this scenario. The younger sibling learned very quickly that crying and mention of being left out or hurt feelings got them whatever they wanted. It just meant I didn't want to play with her when we didn't have anyone over either.

Idontkowmyname · 10/03/2020 19:45

Not fair use the play date to spend some 1:1 time with your younger ds. That way a play date is viewed positively for both boys.

aSofaNearYou · 10/03/2020 19:47

I think people are being a bit ridiculous tbh. There's plenty of other places he can go in the house, he's hardly being "forced" to entertain him. I wouldn't say he HAS to be included but if he wants to use the playroom at the same time as them then that is fair and they can't be mean to him or keep asking him to go away. If they did so I would ask them to go upstairs/in the garden, instead. The playroom sounds like it's a shared room, it doesn't need to be any more complicated than that

AmelieTaylor · 10/03/2020 19:48

Completely fine as he has another place to play with his friend away from little brother!

If he’s going to play in their joint playroom then he should include Ds2

And I say that as the eldest who always had to include younger ones no matter where I played or went & I’m still bitter about it!!🤣