Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DS has to include his brother in a play date?

219 replies

WhenYouveAFirstInEnglish · 10/03/2020 16:15

If they are in the play room?

8 and 4 (just turned) DSs. We have a playroom full of toys. When eldest DS has a play date they are welcome to take what they want up to his room, play on Switch for a bit in his room etc but if they want to play in the playroom they have to include little DS. I think that’s fair enough?

OP posts:
LettertoHermoine · 10/03/2020 18:04

@ANiceLuxury

*I have this rule.

Dd is 7 and ds is nearly 3. Dd plays with a friend on the close who is the same age as her. Every weekend they are in our house and her house backwards and forwards etc. School holidays the same etc.

Ds wants to play with them. I have a rule that if they are playing in our house then they have to include him otherwise ds is opening dd bedroom door and in retaliation they keep slamming it shut trying to keep him out.

Its every sodding weekend and school holidays so they have to include him otherwise they dont play here*

That is terribly unfair on your daughter.

Luckystar20 · 10/03/2020 18:04

I have a 4 year old theres no way I would expect my 6 year old to include him when she had a play date or when she was younger and ds1 had play dates. It's not fair and it changes the dynamics but you dont want to listen even though you thought to post.

FloraGreysteel · 10/03/2020 18:05

YABU and very unfair on the 8-year old. His friends will stop coming round if he always has to have his little brother with him.

Clymene · 10/03/2020 18:06

And yes, I think it's quite normal for someone in a couple to have a friend over and the other person go and amuse themselves elsewhere.

I go over to friends' houses and quite often barely see their husbands. Because it's okay to have separate friends from your partner, your sibling or anyone else you live in the same house as.

willowmelangell · 10/03/2020 18:09

Sorry OP...unfair. When elder is 16 younger is 12. Does that help to show the big difference?

ThePinky · 10/03/2020 18:09

Unfair sorry OP.

That's such a huge age difference when it comes to what and how they'll be playing.

It should be a time for DS1 to play with his friends, not be forced to entertain his brother.

independentfriend · 10/03/2020 18:10

Depends on the circumstances - if possible I'd be trying to encourage the younger one to find something to do by themselves, to enable the older two to play together at their own level.

But if say, the older one was visiting whilst I was caring for an ill person or whilst I was very busy for some other reason I'd be making it clear the three of them had to find things to do that were safe and needed limited help from me - if they all wanted to play together fine. If they wanted to do different things, fine, but no noisy arguments.

midwestspring · 10/03/2020 18:12

This is one of the downsides of being an eldest dc, some parents regard who as a provider of childcare for younger siblings.
I might be a little bitter about this but you as an adult wanted the younger dc so you step up and parent them, it isn't the job of older siblings.

ThePinky · 10/03/2020 18:13

Ds wants to play with them. I have a rule that if they are playing in our house then they have to include him otherwise ds is opening dd bedroom door and in retaliation they keep slamming it shut trying to keep him out. Its every sodding weekend and school holidays so they have to include him otherwise they dont play here

I find that so unfair on your DD. She doesn't exist to entertain her younger siblings. Take your 3 year old and entertain him yourself if you have to. Your daughter should be entitled to her own space with her friends!

midwestspring · 10/03/2020 18:13

You not who, I need an edit function!

JRUIN · 10/03/2020 18:14

Difficult one. It would be nice to let your eldest be able to play in the playroom just him and his friend. At the same time it would be unfair to ban the youngest from a room he usually gets to play in. Could you do something with the youngest to keep him amused and away from the others for an hour or so, just to let the elder boys get a bit of playroom time alone?

whatareyoucooking · 10/03/2020 18:16

Unfair.

But seems like you're not willing to budge on this one

ThePinky · 10/03/2020 18:17

I might be a little bitter about this but you as an adult wanted the younger dc so you step up and parent them, it isn't the job of older siblings

Agreed. Some parents seem to think their elder children simply exist to be babysitters for the younger ones. In reality most older children find their younger siblings a huge pain in the backside a lot of the time!

God I'd have felt so smothered if I'd had to entertain a much younger brother or sister all the time when my friends were visiting. Everyone deserves their own space from time to time.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/03/2020 18:18

I think it's fair enough as you've said your DS has a huge bedroom. Providing you can facilitate the playroom toys being taken upstairs, then the older boys should play there if they want to be on their own. If they're in the playroom then they should expect 4yo to want to join in if he's in there/sees them.

However, I would attempt to keep 4yo out of the playroom by engaging in other activities with him and/or moving some toys into the lounge instead.

SummerHouse · 10/03/2020 18:18

I think you have the perfect comprise. Play in the playroom together or play elsewhere without younger sibling. I think that's totally fair.

AnneOfCloves · 10/03/2020 18:18

YABVU

That's completely unfair to your eldest and his friend. All it will do is put the friend off coming over and make the eldest resent his brother - exactly the opposite of what you hope. He deserves time and space for his friendships.

I found scheduling playdates for both on the same day was the easiest - younger ones played together, older ones likewise. EIther that or swapsies - DC1 has pal over, DC2 goes to visit their mate. Reverse it the next week

(AIBU to wonder if the bulk of posters saying NO WAY are eldest children? I am the eldest and my younfger brother has this "must include them" rule for huis kids)

ittakes2 · 10/03/2020 18:19

The age gap is way too large you are just going to causes problems for your oldest.

lyralalala · 10/03/2020 18:20

Ds wants to play with them. I have a rule that if they are playing in our house then they have to include him otherwise ds is opening dd bedroom door and in retaliation they keep slamming it shut trying to keep him out.

So your DD gets no privacy or freedom from the younger sibling you chose to have?

That's ridiculous. I wouldn't even tolerate my 3yo opening a siblings bedroom door repeatedly if the sibling was in there alone, let alone playing with a friend.

Oblomov20 · 10/03/2020 18:21

Totally unfair. Ds1 is supposed to be playing with his friend.

heartsonacake · 10/03/2020 18:24

YABU and unfair. That’s far too big an age gap.

Your older sons friends will start to resent coming to your house or hanging out with your son as his little brother will be bothering them/need to be included.

but there comes a point when 4 year old wants to join in a really exciting game he can see and I think that’s fair enough?

No, it isn’t “fair enough”. Your younger son needs to learn he can’t always join in and that he can’t always play with his brother.

AParallelUniverse · 10/03/2020 18:25

Not fair no. He has his friend over. You should entertain 4 year old.

AParallelUniverse · 10/03/2020 18:27

Its every sodding weekend and school holidays so they have to include him otherwise they dont play here.

Maybe you should entertain 3 year old and give daughter some space rather than expecting her to entertain him for you.

heartsonacake · 10/03/2020 18:28

Ds wants to play with them. I have a rule that if they are playing in our house then they have to include him otherwise ds is opening dd bedroom door and in retaliation they keep slamming it shut trying to keep him out.

ANiceLuxury Your poor daughter; I feel so sorry for her. She has no personal space and can’t even have fun with friends without her brother bothering her.

Your youngest is your problem, not hers. If he needs entertaining and you haven’t taught him to entertain himself, you need to do it.

Your daughter will soon lose her friends as they won’t like being harassed by your younger kid.

Dooofle · 10/03/2020 18:29

I find this unfair too.

I've two step sons who are always forced to include each other in everything and honestly I've not seen it do anything but breed resentment and arguments between the two. Last time it happened there was an almighty fall out as youngest had to go along with eldest to their friends house for a 'playdate'. I mean really, who wants their younger brother tagging along to a friend's house?

Kids deserve space and their own social circle away from their siblings.

I'd say that 4 year old can use things from the play room or even be in it. But he's not to disturb your DS1 and his friend, if that won't happen then you need to be entertaining him yourself elsewhere.

And the poster who demands her DD play with her 3 year old brother when her friends are round and in her room, I think that's awful! Your poor DD. She's in her own room for goodness sake is she not allowed any time just to be with her friends?

Entertain your own bloody kid if you don't want to deal with slamming doors etc... you chose to have him.

My step sons have got to the point now where they regularly ask to stay at opposite houses so DS1 will stay at dads and DS2 will stay at mums purely because they want a break.

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 10/03/2020 18:29

Unfair. Let your eldest develop his own relationships without carrying his brother round. Maybe take some of the youngest’s toys out the playroom and put in the lounge in anticipation of the play date

Swipe left for the next trending thread