To say DS has to include his brother in a play date?

[WhenYouveAFirstInEnglish]

If they are in the play room?

8 and 4 (just turned) DSs. We have a playroom full of toys. When eldest DS has a play date they are welcome to take what they want up to his room, play on Switch for a bit in his room etc but if they want to play in the playroom they have to include little DS. I think that’s fair enough?

DS8 will start to resent DS4. I think the age gap is too large.

If they were 8 and 6-7 it would be a bit different perhaps, but not 8 and 4.

I have this rule.

Dd is 7 and ds is nearly 3. Dd plays with a friend on the close who is the same age as her. Every weekend they are in our house and her house backwards and forwards etc. School holidays the same etc.

Ds wants to play with them. I have a rule that if they are playing in our house then they have to include him otherwise ds is opening dd bedroom door and in retaliation they keep slamming it shut trying to keep him out.

Its every sodding weekend and school holidays so they have to include him otherwise they dont play here.

YAbu

I get the impression most people replying haven't actually read your full OP, just the headline.

As an older sibling who always had to include my younger sibling I came to this thread ready to say you were being unreasonable. But actually I think that what you've said is fine, as long as there aren't any toys/ games your older ds particularly wants to play with that he can only play with in the playroom in which case, you should occupy your younger dc for a while elsewhere, at least for a while if not for the whole playdate (depending on the length of the playdate).

Mine have a 5 year gap - I absolutely don’t expect the older to occupy the younger.

Just be firm - tell the older ones they have to play upstairs.

@Sometimeswinning - I used to have friends at school whose parents made us include their much younger sibling. I just stopped going. 4 year olds are boring and ruin games when you're 8

I genuinely find the idea that you have someone home to play and exclude anyone weird. When your dh invites someone round do they just ignore you???

Your 8yo wants to play with his friend, how many years are you going to force him to include his brother?
When he's 14, is he going to have to bring his 10yo brother to the park/ cinema with him?

My DCs are two years apart and when the older one has a friend over they tolerate the younger one for some games, but not others. I think that's fine! I just do something with them instead.

I don't think you can make children play together, that wouldn't be fun for anyone.

Tbh it hasn’t caused any upset or complaints, I’m just thinking aloud.

@Clymene I can only hope! I dont force anything but I dont ban the kids from using the playroom. As I said they all seem into the same nerf guns, xbox, youtube watching rubbish. Their rooms are their rooms though so if they want to just hang out they go there. I find the worst playdates are when the two with a closer age gap have a friend each round!

It depends what the playroom is like. If it's just another room that has toys in then fine, DS1 can go to his bedroom. If it's the main room for play that he wants to show off to his friends then no, not fair.

Not fair and not right. Would you expect 4 year olds and 8 year olds to play together at school? There is your answer. This can cause your eldest to resent his baby brother and to maybe lash out at him.

I think if DS4 is already in the play room and playing by himself and the older boys enter and play with something the two of them, that's ok. I think the 4 year old and the 8 year olds can be in the same room but at different ends playing with different things. But to actually force his 4 year old brother on him and friend is not fair.

Agree I think your 8 year old should be allowed to play with his fríend without his little brother. Perhaps next time you could invite a fríend around for your youngest so he is not left out.
Or perhaps you could tell your older son thay when he has friends round he should play with them in his bedroom and leave the playroom to his brother.

I have the same gap and would say this is unfair on the eldest. My youngest has a friend whose younger sibling always has to be allowed to join in, guess what my DD does not want to go around as the younger child who is 6 is very babyish and hurts DD as she would her older sister as her older sister always has to placate her. It is very annoying! When this 8 year old girl comes over here she's so used to everything being shared and bedrooms between siblings open to all that she wonders in to my teenage boy's room, he is not impressed by her attitude at all, this obviously gets back to the Mum who is shocked that my son won't permit them to enter his room whenever this girl wants and I know she thinks he's rude, he is not he is over 4 years older than her daughter and is a teenage boy for heaven's sake!!

This is why I ensure mine all have play dates at the same time. Messy but saves the arguments!

No matter what age I think children should be allowed to play with their friends without having to always include their sibling.
Separate friendships should be allowed and encouraged.
They are two separate individuals not one entity.

but there comes a point when 4 year old wants to join in a really exciting game he can see and I think that’s fair enough?

No. The 4 year old has to learn he cannot always have what he wants and his brother is entitled to his own social life.

Not sure why you posted if you aren't listening to what people say.

When your dh invites someone round do they just ignore you???

I know what you mean. However if DH has a mate over and they are chatting together in the kitchen, I might say a quick "hello" but wouldn't plonk myself down in between them and involve myself in their every conversation, demanding they talk about something I'm interested in.

I just go and busy myself in another room.

I wouldn't. That's a big age gap and the eight year old should be allowed to play with his friend without his brother tagging along.

I wouldn't have a rule, the age gap is too big. I would praise the older one for being kind to the younger one though.

I think you either have to entertain the younger one yourself, or have a friend over for them at the same time.

I wouldn't do this. It won't help anyone. I'd just give the younger boy something to do so he didn't get in their way.

Sorry that was a ramble but my point is with that gap it does create problems. I do realise the hardwork in keeping the younger one occupied though.

Who thinks no matter what mumsnet say op will do it anyways because saying no to a 4 year old is to hard? Your poor dc is entitled to time without his little brother. I'm guessing he's typical 1 play date per week versus 99% being with his little brother,? Just let him enjoy a little bit of time with a freind his age it wont hurt your younger DC infact it may be great to do something exiting with your youngest? Maybe making some biscuits or playing some games just mum and him,.

YABU

Did the op sign up to changing her approach?