To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

[FirstTimeMummy1988]

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

I don't think you're unkind in telling her that it's just too much for you. She sounds very full on and needy. Personally, I'd be worried about how volatile she seems!

Do you want to keep any contact with her, or cut her off completely?

She seems very needy. I would just be honest and tell her the way she’s behaving is overkill. She’s not your children’s auntie, she might be blood but she hasn’t even met you or them yet and she needs to back off if she wants any chance of a relationship.

What a sad situation for everyone involved.
I think she sounds very rejected and I can understand why she behaves like this.
That said - I couldn’t do it.
I’ve been in a similar situation but we were both very relaxed and let the situation grow very slowly and organically. This would have made me run like the wind.

@DamnYouAutoCarrot

I was more than happy to just continue with the massages back and forth on a friendly level for now and see how our relationship developed but that doesn't seem to be enough for her. Her temper is quite worrying and I wouldn't feel comfortable introducing her to my children especially as there's no actual proof she is my half sister

I don’t think it matters how kindly you try to say it; it won’t be received that way based on how she’s behaved so far.

That being the case, make sure you say what you want in the clearest possible way so that it absolutely cannot be misconstrued and then move on.

Are you clear on what kind of relationship you do want? Or do you want no relationship at all?

How old is this girl? Shockingly needy for someone who is essentially a complete stranger and is only very recently in your life.
She sounds quite unstable.

Honestly, I think I’d block her. She sounds far too full on and frankly batshit. I empathise that she may be desperate for contact with family, but she is a total stranger and can’t expect to be greeted like the prodigal son, particularly if she wants your bio dad involved. It sounds like he won’t get involved, anyway (why would you want an ex con anywhere near your family?!).

She’s a stranger, you don’t need to facilitate or ensure she has a relationship with anyone, including yourself.

Just tell her she's being too full on. If all else fails, block her.

She sounds unhinged OP. Reminds me of Eminem's 'Stan' - although it is all completely different! But her going off her nut when she feels slighted is actually quite terrifying.

I think honesty is the best policy. I met a half-sister a few years ago and although normal, polite etc. We found we had very little in common and the relationship just tapered out. Blood ties like this can mean very little with no shared history.

God, I’ve just seen your last post. Do you mean you have no idea if she even is who she says she is?! Why have you welcomed her into your life?

One last message ask her not to contact yu again as you are finding it uncomfortable then block all over. If she continutes start reporting her to the police

She sounds quite young - teenage? In which case you need a 'motherly' message saying you understand her enthusiasm in meeting her bio dad's family, but this is not the right time for anything other than a very low key relationship and she'll understand when she's older that things have to go at a very very slow pace for everyone's sake.

If she's older though I think you can be much more direct and talk about your need to take things very slowly and if she cannot respect that then regrettably you cannot continue. If she changes her mind in the future and is prepared to take things slowly you are of course happy to respond.

she sounds a bit batshit if im honest.I think either block her?, or tell her the truth!?

she sounds a bit batshit if im honest.I think either block her?, or tell her the truth!?

Are you the first of her half-siblings she has found? It sounds like she is somewhat innocent and blindly optimistic, whereas you are coming at this from the perspective of having known your biological father and knowing what he’s like - plus the experience of finding a half-sibling isn’t new for you.

She’s probably seen it happen in the soaps, or programmes like Long Lost Family, and thinks it’s all instant bond and ‘it’s like we’ve known each other all our lives’. I bet the reality you’re experiencing is far more common than she might think.

I doubt her behaviour comes from a malicious place, but you absolutely should tell her she needs to see back and it’s all too much at the the moment. When she kicks off (let’s face it - it won’t be ‘it’) you need to tell her that that kind of reaction is exactly why you need space. If she either storms off uni high dudgeon or keeps pushing, you know she’s not someone you need in your life; at least not right now.

Yes definitely time to back her off. I think it's great to have a new baby as an excuse, something along the lines of " sister it's been lovely getting to know you and I do hope we can keep in touch but right now my new baby is my priority, we have had a tough few months with baby coming early and we need time now to settle in I will be in touch when the dust settles".

And ignore any replies. Until (if) you feel ready to meet her.

Send her some links to dna companies.. Suggest it's best to be sure before she meets your dc...

How old is she? She sounds v young and naive

What age is she? What is her own background? Is she desperate for you to be the family she hasn't had? I think you have to tell her clearly to back right off, but how you do that might depend on where this intensity is coming from.

I'm with @PardonWhatshe sounds very rejected and needy, but also quite young?

I think you need to be frank with her, now isn't a good time, there's too much going on for you and she needs to back off and calm down, and tell her if she doesn't she faces not only taking away a chance of getting to know you, but also other members of bio dads family.

I really feel for all involved, he sounds like a waste and not someone I'd want anywhere near my children.

I'd block her.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

I’ve a not too dissimilar family set up op
My advice is to block . She doesn’t sound a well bunny in many respects and there could be other things going on. You have to put yourself first and not be drained and made to feel guilty .
Put up your boundary and leave it at that
It’s probably kinder in the long run especially as no one will want to be playing happy families

I spend the time with people I want to spend it with not those who trot out the blood is thicker than water crap . By the same token shit is thicker than blood .

Leave it close down move on and breathe again

You don’t want to be the sister she wants to have and sometimes that’s just life .

need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"

Wow, wouldn’t take this cheek from anybody let alone a person I’ve never met.

I think you should say that you need some time and will get in touch with her again, when you’re ready. Then delete her from your social media and never contact her again.
If you have no proof that she is your half sister, then she could be anyone. For the safety of your children and your own sanity, you have to break free.