To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

[FirstTimeMummy1988]

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

I think you've done the right thing, you have two lovely boys to focus on now. Maybe in the future you can build some sort of relationship with this woman (if you want) but for now it sounds as though she needs professional help.

You did the right thing for You and Your family OP... you are not responsible for your Dads decisions or behaviour... you are not responsible for your half sisters up bringing ... you are not responsible for her future happiness... you are definitely not responsible for helping her reconnect with people you have chosen to exclude from your life... to suggest otherwise is short sighted and selfish... Live your own life as you see fit OP.. 🌺

@Poorolddaddypig Your a bit late to the party, it's moved on since then. Maybe read ALL the OP's posts before you hoik your judgy pants up to your chin.

YABU for putting your life on Facebook. She needs more than you want to give so it would be best to lose her before she takes it. Only problems lie ahead.

You did the right thing. As you said you can not provide what she is looking for.

Hopefully she will leave you and your family alone but I have a feeling that she is going to turn bitter.

Bio Dads sister whose husband is ill has been bombarded with messages all night so has blocked her number. Her Daughters (my cousins) then started receiving messages on social media early hours of this morning

It sounds like she needs serious help but not from you guys. She clearly still has rose tinted glasses on about her dad and needs serious counselling but until she recognises that herself it won't happen.
I'm sorry OP, you tried your best.

It may be worth contacting social services for a welfare check if you know where she lives/contact details. If she isn't well they may be able to help/put her in touch with some support networks, but you have done the right thing in blocking.

Probably for the best that this has happened now rather than if she had of inserted her way into your life in a physical sense. It's bad enough with her cyber stalking and nasty comments on social media.

I also wonder if your Father isn't using her as a Flying Monkey to source information about you as your NC.

@canterburytales

I work in nursing in the private sector so I do have some friends in social services. I was wondering if I should maybe ask one of them to see if she still has a social worker who could maybe be offering more support

I think that's a good idea, as long as there's no breach in confidentiality in doing that. Otherwise I would ring them direct. Once you know if she has a social worker and a support network you can then decide whether the next step is to get an injunction to prevent her contacting you (if you wanted to go down that route).

It is worth asking your social work contacts for advice whether you should raise your concerns about her wellbeing "officially" with them. She obviously needs support but I suspect she would reject it as she seems very attached to your bio-dad and determined to link in to your family, and has no insight into the feelings of the rest of you.

Sad all round but you handled it well.

As a pointer to anyone reading this thread if you have your actual name on FB it is incredibly easy to find out where you live. Obviously the more common the name if you are a John Smith for example it’s harder but not impossible. I was harassed by someone online, I had an online friendship for a few years with them. I considered reporting to police. Using just their name I found out their home address and other information when considering this as an option. It is incredibly easy.

OP, you are not responsible for the products of your father’s sexual encounters. He is.

Well handled OP.

I just can't find a place in my brain to understand how anyone could walk out on their child but then part of me is thankful he did eventually "lose interest" in me
He's got 8 that I know of and including myself 5 of us have needed therapy to get over the abuse he put us through. I do feel desperately sorry for this girl, but unfortunately she's not in a place we're she is willing to admit she needs help yet and I cannot have someone so volatile in mine and especially my babies lives especially as she seems determined to bring our father into our lives and that is something I simply will not have no matter how bad I feel for what she's been through.
It sounds harsh but having a bad childhood does not mean you can treat people like this, I've been called a bad mother because I didn't reply to a message quick enough, she has even told my Aunt she caused her husbands cancer because she's such a mast person
I have mentioned it to one of my friends who works in social services, I've just passed on her name and date of birth to see if my friend can see if she still had a social worker and maybe they could look in on her
Maybe if she gets help for her issues then we may eventually be able to see if we can forge a relationship but now at this time

Nasty person*

But tbh you don't even know if she's a half sister yet so definitely at massive arms length. And even if you were related doesn't mean you want contact

It’s a shame she got the numbers of your aunty etc, but they too can block her and report her to the police if need be.

She’s a nasty person herself projecting all the poison she’s absorbed

Nobody has to allow themselves to be bullied by her

Please don’t ever feel bad about cutting her out of your life. She doesn’t deserve to be in it.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. You have done the right thing in asking your friend to see if there is anyone who can help this young woman.

Do you think there's any reason to believe that your dad has put her up to this? That he is holding his relationship with her over her head and that's why she's so intense and 'panicky'? (Apologies if this has already been asked)

Good grief, she sounds disturbed. And not someone you can have in your life if this is an example of how she behaves when she barely knows you!

I wonder if the therapist who helped the five of you could help her. She's obviously been damaged by her upbringing in a big way (her mother, as well as the scumbag father).

Jesus. Just read the whole thing. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. You seem like a lovely person. I do feel sorry for her - her upbringing has obviously affected her badly, but I still think you are better off without her.
My dad was like yours, I know I have siblings out there, no idea how many, and have no desire to contact them. We are not family just because we share DNA.

She needs help, sorry your family are having to deal with all this right now, hope she manages to sort herself out in the future and apologises for her behaviour x

Hope your baby is ok now also x

I dont think theres any 'helpng' cluster b personality disorders tbh. I wouldn't hold out hope for her magically getting better at least. She just is who she is. You're better off out of it. It's all very well spouting 'kindness and compassion' but sometimes you have to have that for yourself first and foremost. Rotten human beings only exploit the kindness of others. They take and take and are never satisfied.