To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

[FirstTimeMummy1988]

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

You sound like a lovely, caring person OP. You also have your hands full with your little one. (Congratulations, and welcome home, wee one!!! I hope that you have smoother sailing with baby now he/she is home!)
As for “Sister”, she seems to have developed a very romanticised ideal of what a family should be. Some things are not forgivable, and whether it is forgiven is entirely the call of the person involved - not her. She is not driving this bus with you in it. It very much sounds like she has been building her DF up as a Knight in Shining Armour character who is coming to rescue her from her (probably horrible) life. She doesn’t have the maturity to see that it’s not going to happen and the only one who can do that is herself, so she is refusing to see the truth about him. (She may also expect you to rescue her if you are not very clear with your boundaries. I think this girl is pretty broken, unfortunately.)
I think you also need to spell out very clearly that your sperm donor has provided exactly one cell to go towards creating you and a whole lifetime of pain and trouble for you and your mother. If you do indeed share DNA with this person, it does not give her the right to inject herself into your extended family. She shares no history with them. They owe her nothing. They are not HER family - they are acquaintances. They find contact from her to be inappropriate, intrusive and overwhelming. It is time to respect their boundaries and needs as well.

To be honest I'd block her on everything. She seems very full on and her issues don't need to be your problem. She sounds a real drama llama and who know what she's do next in terms of getting your bio dad involved, other 1/2 siblings etc. She's also very rude to you.

Good message.
You aren't sisters, your Mums just shared the same sperm donor.

It may be an idea to block what she can see on your fb. You can still remain friends, but she won’t see your wall.

I think you’re handling the situation very well - congratulations on bringing your little one home :)
I would argue if she is respectful of your wishes re no contact with bio dad and sends fewer messages to give you a break, then there maybe foundations to build a relationship in the future if you choose to.
If nothing changes after that last message, or indeed things get worse (she may get abusive if she feels ‘abandoned’ now), then I’d block her until you have the head space to deal with her in a few years (if you want to at all that is)

Congratulations to you OP and I'm glad you've handled the situation firmly but with sympathy. Hopefully she will readjust her expectations and this will allow you both to form a relationship. It seems that she means well, but is so desperate for family and doesn't have the tools emotionally to deal with it maturely.

Shame on the posters who called this 22 year old girl who has clearly had a very traumatic life a 'crazy bitch' or 'deranged'. I'm really glad you've had lives without maladaptive behaviours as a result of neglect/abuse as a child.

Well done, OP. You have def done the right thing.

She sounds incredibly damaged by her life. I have experience of this with a family member of mine and even though it was very hard I had to go no contact because they just didn’t understand my boundaries and it rippled on to my kids.

You can’t fix people.

I've had two relatives contact me out of nowhere, one worked out very well and one not so much.

The lovely happy-ending one was a cousin of MrCarpet's who contacted us out of the blue a few years ago. Her father and my FIL had the same first name, so she wasn't sure which one was her father. It was easy to tell in the end, because FIL was rejected for military service so he couldn't have been in the country she was born in at the right time. The cousin and her husband, daughter and SIL came to visit and they were nothing but kind, loving and generally the exact kind of relative anyone would love to have. We keep in touch and are happy to know them.

Then there was my half brother. He contacted me shortly after my daughter's death, so I was in a pretty bad place, but he wasn't at all interested in that. It was all about him and there were tantrums when he didn't get all the attention he felt entitled to. My mother panders to him out of guilt (she gave him up for adoption) but in the end I blocked him. I just couldn't cope with his demands, combined with his total lack of empathy for anyone else.

Oh my, you can choose your friends but not your family.

On the other hand you can also choose whether to have contact with your family.

Please don’t feel obligated to this woman. Protect yourself and your children first. You may need to be very blunt and tell your ‘sister’ that this is the case. If she doesn’t understand I would cease contact.

You’ve handled it very well. I understand that she wants some family to feel connected to, but that can not be at the expense of your immediate family and babies.

What an unfortunate situation all round.

I feel sorry for her, she is young, naive, and hasn't had a great childhood. But that doesn't mean you have to sweep in and put up with her full on, demanding behaviour. I would distance myself, and think you've absolutely done the right thing in messaging her so clearly with your boundaries.

What an unfortunate situation all round.
Isn’t it? Imagine leaving 8 kids lives wrecked behind you. What a beaut.

I think TV has a lot to answer for when it comes to showing ‘family’ behaviour.

The families in soaps are completely entwined, popping in and out of each other’s houses all day, working together etc. (at least until they ‘get a job in Manchester’ when everyone promptly forgets that person exists). When a new half sibling does show up, they become part of the group almost immediately.

For a child growing up in difficult circumstances, I can see how a belief that is normal might be something they cling to.

Of course in real life, while some people do have this sort of family, a lot of siblings end up at the cards and a duty phone call at Christmas stage, particularly once the parents are gone (or, as in this case, the mutual parent is cut off)

@Thisismytimetoshine

8 that I know of
Could be more

I'm waiting on her reply before I decide how to proceed
I have had moments where I've been "she's crazy" and wanted to run away. But then I think she's 22, shes hasn't had a stable family upbringing and I was incredibly lucky to have my mum and we've supported each other during and after my bio dads abuse. I can't say I haven't had times when I was younger that I had anger towards my mum, why would you stay and let him hurt us?
But since I've got older and become a mum myself I've realised it's very easy to say what you would do in a situation when you've never been in it.

I just keep thinking that I could be her if I didn't have my mum

I think your message was very good. You've set out clear 'guidelines' for going forward.

Just remember that, in the end, you do not owe her anything simply because you had a better upbringing with your mum than she had with hers. Don't let your natural sense of sympathy get in the way of what is best for you and your family.

Bet she has no idea what you and your dm really went through at his hands...
Well handled op.

Scary.

You've no option but to block her. It's pretty easy to see why she's keen on you - desperate for sane relations - but she's not in a place where she can maintain friendships at the moment.

Woah no way, so full on!

She doesn’t respect you or what you might need or want at all. I have a ‘sister’ like this, haven’t seen her in years now. Thank goodness.

Wow, that is so full on. She sounds needy.

I know it's not her fault that your dad put your mum's head through a window (wow, what a prince) but as you quite understandably don't want to play happy families, all you share with her is DNA, which is different than the blood is thicker than water type of DNA. This is omg, how am I related to this train wreck DNA.

Put yourself first.

You are under no obligation to fill the role of sister. You are obviously feeling compassion towards her but you can do that at a distance and it in no way obliges you to have a relationship because of it - especially if it is to your detriment.

Your message to her was good.
I'd feel sorry for her too in your shoes but you can't save her from what has made her so needy.

If her mum was drinking in pregnancy then she might have FASD. So she'd be functioning at half her age emotionally and she'd be very erratic and impulsive.
I think you've sent a kind message. The whole thing is just tragic.