To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

[FirstTimeMummy1988]

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

My actual sister is like this (to a lesser extent) towards our dad's new family. We are all grown up and my sister is in her thirties but she insists on saying 'oh, my stepbrother' about my dad's wife's (adult) son (in his forties). It is absolutely about insta-family and reflects a deep deep lack. I never ever encourage it because it is too much pressure on any kind of relationship.

Unfortunately, you can't help her in the way that she needs help, not right now. Keeping messages short and positive, encouraging her to seek help if she is struggling, and setting out your boundaries is all good. Good luck.

No she is far too needy and full on

I think I'd give her a chance, but I'd equally make sure that it was on my terms and not hers. Her childhood sounds horrendous, poor girl.

I think you've struck the right note OP with your message.

I think your message was fine , it may upset her so be prepared I don't think she'll reply saying no problem sis.
I feel sorry for her but you shouldn't be responsible for her she does sound very emotionally young but that will be to her upbringing. It's very sad the life she's had and it's not her fault . It sound like all she wants is a family and she's ignoring that it's not the perfect family .
Like you say keep the contact friendly you've told her the boundaries .
You've also had a crap upbringing my the sound of it but looks like you've come out the other way some people not so lucky .
God it makes me mad people bringing children into the world with no care or consequences , your right to have nothing to do with your dad .

Being charitable I could suggest she is craving a family and familial relationship but going about it all wrong, clearly.

I have been on the other side. Father had me then two kids with his wife. I always knew about them, they found out about me when primary school age. Met as old teenagers/young adults and had contact then they just stopped. It is horrible being rejected by your parents then by your half siblings when you've done nothing wrong and didn't chose to be born.

Having said that, your baby is priority and she has been behaving rather badly.

Take care and I hope your baby is okay now.

Honestly I would find a way to go no contact with her. Her behaviour is not normal and more importantly she is being unsupportive rude and kinda aggressive when you’ve just had a baby! She is bad news. It can only get worse. I suspect after she manages to insert herself into your real life she’ll start wanting favours/money / endless emotional support.

She will take this v v badly because she is obviously a weirdo. Hopefully she doesn’t have address/employment details cos if so may be wise to be polite and ‘ghost’ her rather than send a message.

If she has no ‘real life’ contact details then I would send her a very blunt message. Don’t give her stuff she can argue with or give her hope that you may have time for her later: instead end it. Something like “I really appreciate you reaching out to make contact with me, but I’m not looking to build any new relationships. I need to focus on my new baby and immediate family. You’re looking for a close relationship and I’m not able to be that for you. I don’t want to be rude but I also don’t want to pretend that we are close family: we are strangers. I wish you all the best.” Then change your number.

She is not my sister just because we share some DNA.

This is the point really. At the this point, you don't know for sure even that she does share any DNA with you. It looks like she's latched onto you and is now stalking you. Whoever she is, this is not normal. Tbh, I would block her now.

She hasn't took it well at all unfortunately
She's accused me of deliberately trying to stop her having contact with bio dads family. She's also said I'm jealous because she's going to have a relationship with our Dad. She can't understand why I'm not treating her the same way as my brothers when they are only half siblings too, the difference being I was brought up with them.
She said if I can't manage to send a simple message back and I use the baby as an excuse then maybe i should have considered that I wouldn't be able to cope with 2 kids under 2 before having DS2
And finally that I'm a selfish uncaring bitch and I should feel sorry for her given her childhood

Christ. No one has time for that level of crazy.

Block her and move on.

Oh, and if she attempts to contact you after blocking her contact the police on 101 and file a report for harrasment and stalking.

Bad upbringing or not, she doesn't get to be a dick without consequences.

Oh dear. Well just block her now. No point in arguing - I think she will never ever be able to see your point of view.

Oh dear God! She sounds crazy. Block her, OP.

''I am sorry you feel that way. I have passed on your number to your biological aunt and grandfather but will not and cannot force them to give more than they are able to and that goes for me too. I have no desire to be in contact with our father. My sympathies for you do not extend to accepting unfair criticism because you lack empathy/want more than I can give. I do not accept abuse from anyone, acquaintances, friends or family members. I wish you well but do not wish you to contact me again.''

oh dear she has Victim all over her. Im sorry OP, but you cant really have any sort of relationship with her now. Dont explain yourself, but do let her know you are not going to allow her to behave like that toward you and that you are blocking her.

@AllTheseThingsThatIHaveNotDone

Literally just copied and pasted this as my response then blocked her number

Yes excellent message from AllThese. Well done OP.

Good.
This is not a relationship you need if she's giving you all this grief and abuse already.

Well done, OP !

You’ve fine the right thing OP

She won't be able to find out where you live will she op?

I have three children myself OP and those first few weeks never got easier! It is really very hard in the early days especially if your baby has been ill (mine was in hospital for 14 weeks on and off so I absolutely get it). You need time for you and to take care of yourself primarily and your kiddies. Even if that were not the case I suspect this would not have gone down any other way because of the clear mismatch in expectations which will lead to resentment. You were clear and did not deserve the response you got. Hugs to you.

It’s sad for her as she’s experienced rejection with your dad so is probably very sensitive. But tbh she sounds unstable and once you’ve actually let her into your life by meeting her and allowing her access to your family, it’s going to be very difficult to push back. Best if you lead the way by keeping in touch on your terms, maybe checking in with her monthly over social media as you are doing now, and not engaging with her when she starts getting too needy or kicking off.

Sorry, just read your updates. Seems the decision has been made, and that it’s probably the right one judging by her re-action.

No more sympathy from me now. That message is unforgivable .

Oh dear. Good for you, I think you've done the right thing. I'm assuming she doesn't know where you live? Have you also blocked her on Facebook?