To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

[FirstTimeMummy1988]

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

She’s eother emotionally unstable or she’s trying to get something out of you. The love bombing with the occasional extreme negative outburst is a big red flag. I’d just tell her you’re going off social media and black her on everything.

Urgh, I sympathise as my bio father has 7 kids dotted about and I have been through this myself. I think there is often some romanticising of an instinctive bond just based on blood, especially if someone has no other strong family ties. I stopped contact with a half sibling over similar and I have zero regrets - she was a drama llama who seemed to resent any positive family relationships I had. You owe this woman nothing and if you wouldn’t choose her company as a person you met in a bar, I don’t see why you have to bond with her just because of DNA!

I had a somewhat similar experience (message out of the blue “Are you my half-sister?”)

I was very sorry for her (she and her brother and sister had a really terrible childhood). But I felt certain I wasn’t a person who could help her, not knowing her and not feeling any connection. I gradually took longer to respond, and eventually heard no more.

Every situation is different. Good luck.

Dear Person I Don't Know, there are many people who enhance my life; unfortunately you are not one of them. I have now blocked you. Yours, FirstTimeMummy

I doubt you'll ever be able to provide her what she wants/needs. I would explain that you don't have time for anything at the moment but wish her well. Then delete your Facebook for a while.

Wow she’s not your problem especially at this time in your life.
She sounds like a lot.

How old is she?

I would text her that you will not tolerate abusive messages to yourself or family especially when you have a lot of medical concerns with family. Ask her to give you a while but if there are any more abusive messages you will contact the police

Does she know where you live?

I’m afraid this would unnerve need greatly.

I’d block her number on your phone and on whatever social media you’ve accepted her on. Make sure your mum and brother don’t accept her friend requests. I’m hoping she doesn’t have your address? Also contact the family member on your father’s side to whom you have given her number and tell them they are not to share your address with her or any further details about your life.

You made it clear how you wanted the relationship to progress. She ignored your boundaries and showed no respect for your personal set-up.

I don’t think sharing some dna wit her means anything at all. Don’t feel obliged because of that.

She sounds quite young - teenage? In which case you need a 'motherly' message saying you understand her enthusiasm in meeting her bio dad's family, but this is not the right time for anything other than a very low key relationship and she'll understand when she's older that things have to go at a very very slow pace for everyone's sake.
and
I think it's great to have a new baby as an excuse, something along the lines of " sister it's been lovely getting to know you and I do hope we can keep in touch but right now my new baby is my priority, we have had a tough few months with baby coming early and we need time now to settle in I will be in touch when the dust settles". And ignore any replies. Until (if) you feel ready to meet her.
Brst advice, I think.

I would send her a last message to say you are very busy right now with your own family.You have enjoyed speaking to her ,but dont want to take it any further .If she doesnt stop then block her . She sounds rather too needy ,and has probably had problems which she is hoping will be overcome by finding her lost "Sister"!

I hope she doesn't have your address

I'd not be bothering with her. She has major problems.

She sounds emotionally unstable from what you have said. I think I would call her, and say (so it can't be mis-interpreted) that your family history is triggering to you and any relationship you have with her will be gradual, and on your terms - or it won't happen. The constant high volume of messages and demands for contact are pushing you away not bringing you closer as you are feeling very pressurised. You cannot force a sibling relationship, certainly not overnight and she needs to back off or risk alienating you and others altogether.

Glad you are being sensible and putting your existing family first, just because genetics are (/may be!) involved doesn't mean you have to accept her.

Block her OP... live your live on your terms 🌺

I'm 31 and she is 22
I do feel for her, she hasn't had the best childhood from what she has told me. Obviously her Dad wasn't around and I think her mum had issues with drugs and alcohol, she spent time in foster care
She has also contacted the son I have on Facebook but from what she's said he hasn't been back in touch much. He's the same age as me and has more experience with Bio Dad

She sounds unhinged. You don't know for certain that she is actually your half-sister but whatever the truth of it, I wouldn't want a bar of her.

Her family circumstances vis-a-vis her father sound far from ideal, but the same must apply to however many poor kids he fathered. She'd probably benefit more from therapy than trying to impose on a woman she's never met.

I would honestly block her without any guilt. Sharing some dna is not the same as being family. I've not seen my half brother since he was 11 years old. My choice as I went NC with my abusive dad. No guilt and if he tried now I wouldn't want too talk still. I would block and make sure your family do too.

How old is she? I think if she were 20 and under I'd be a bit softer, if she was well into adulthood I might be more direct.

It sounds like she is looking for a family unit to belong too. Really difficult OP, I would try a nice message saying you need space etc and then if that doesn’t work block her.

She's trying to find a family to belong to and is clinging onto anyone she's related to.

That said, you arent obligated to help her belong. You may share genes but she's a stranger.

YANBU. I think there needs to absolutely honest and frank communication here that allows for no misinterpretation, otherwise she’s going to quibble and argue. I’d say something along the lines of while you were interested to know you have another relative, you haven’t got any shared memories and haven’t actually even met so you are becoming uncomfortable with how she’s trying to accelerate and force things. I’d give her the example of her unreasonable belief that she’s a more important person to you than your friend of 15 years. Tell her you have absolutely no interest in a closer relationship with your father and do not want to have to explain why to her when you’ve never met her. Then I’d block her on everything and engage no further.

Just be honest- it's all a bit too much too soon.
You are not saying never but you want to space with your children and husband.
You are happy to continue messaging but she needs to understand that relationships take time to build and cannot be forced just because you share a bio dad.
I would suggest your DM blocks her, she has no need to be in touch with her.
I would limit what she can see on your Facebook.
If you do decide to meet her then make sure it's in public not your own home.

"Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond. I think we have different expectations of this relationship and I feel I need to be upfront about this. I need to focus on my family right now, and as much as you seem like a nice girl, this does not include you. Can I also ask that you please leave my mother alone, she has nothing to do with this situation and has been through enough."

Then block that crazy bitch.

I think she probably has huge issues thanks to her parents and childhood but, as brutal as it sounds, that’s not your fault or your responsibility to deal with.

I’d send a simple message anything that right now you have too much on and are unable to have the sort of relationship she needs.