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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

201 replies

FirstTimeMummy1988 · 08/03/2020 14:13

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

OP posts:
BorisTheBellend · 08/03/2020 19:23

Hope you don't feel bad about any of that OP, you did try to appease her with a friendship but it wasn't good enough for her. You've done the right thing now, just keep her blocked and think no more of it.

Yesmate · 08/03/2020 19:27

Well done for blocking straight away. You don’t need to feed into it. You have been honest and kind. Congratulations on your new little one!

TheYearOfTheDog · 08/03/2020 19:29

Wow. Don't feel bad. She probably falls out with people three times a week.

VisionQuest · 08/03/2020 19:34

You've definitely done the right thing. She sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh. I appreciate that she's had a tough upbringing but that doesn't excuse her behaviour and it's not your problem at the end of the day!

Also agree that if you'd let her into your life, you would never have got her out. So absolutely the right decision.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 08/03/2020 19:36

You've handled this amazingly, OP. It's a sad situation but as you recognise, you can't fix things for her and are under no obligation to!

I hope she finds peace and leaves you alone.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/03/2020 19:40

I can feel some sympathy for her (and for my own half-brother) because they seem to want to be part of a family, but they expect that to just happen. My half-brother clearly wanted to play the role of "big brother", but he won't listen to being told that I don't want a big brother. Those sorts of family relationships grow out of shared childhoods, experiences in common and aren't just something that you can expect to instantly be there because you want them to.

That said, tantrums and demands aren't something you need to be dealing with and you have been as kind as you are able to without just giving her everything she wants. I reckon you can just block her everywhere now and concentrate on your new baby and older child.

underfall · 08/03/2020 19:42

Well done, OP.

Lovely to have your baby home. Smile

Original poster
FirstTimeMummy1988 · 08/03/2020 19:44

Thankfully I never told her where we lived or too many personal details. I've blocked her on all my social media, I've also asked my DH to do the same

OP posts:
MzHz · 08/03/2020 19:47

You gave her more of a chance than most love! Well done for being as sensitive as you have been and as firm as you needed to be.

Snowpatrolling · 08/03/2020 19:47

She sounds quite unstable.
Having a shitty upbringing is not an excuse to be a bitch.
She has a lot of growing up to do.
Well done op for remaining calm. I hope she leaves you alone.

hardyloveit · 08/03/2020 19:49

She sounds unhinged. (This is probably going to sound crazy) but I'd get your best friend from the picture bit to block her too. The girl sounds like she could turn into an even crazier stalker

Honeyroar · 08/03/2020 19:58

You sound like a kind, caring person who has been as fair and understanding as is humanly possible. I think your initial message to her was perfect. It’s a shame that she couldn’t accept it, but that’s her problem unfortunately. Your horrible father has a lot to answer for. You sound like you went through some horrible times yourself too.

Patienceisvirtuous · 08/03/2020 20:06

Sorry for your experience OP. I do feel for her but agree, she is not your problem (and a big one at that) and you need to put yourself and your family first.

idontlike789 · 08/03/2020 20:06

There is nothing more you can do then , maybe one day in a few years when she's got her head together and grown up a bit you may have some sort or relationship.
It's probably another rejection to her but you can't help her at the moment you have your family and mental well-being to think of .

darthbreakz · 08/03/2020 20:10

Poor thing sounds very young and very desperate for a family. I think I'd be super direct with her and say you can't deal with this (as in her) at the moment and you have a lot of feelings about your father and categorically do not want him anywhere near any of you and that this won't change. I think you can gently say that you find her quite full on and it's overwhelming.

It's a balance between being direct and gentle.

But you don't owe her anything and you don't have responsibility for her.

forrestgreen · 08/03/2020 20:10

I think you've handled it well and it shows that she's not stable at the moment.
Just check your wider family has blocked her mobile and on social media.

Freezingold · 08/03/2020 20:20

You’ve done the right thing.

Be very sure she can’t access any personal details from anyone and tell anyone you know she is in contact with like your brother to tell you if she gets in touch. Safety now really as you don’t know who you are dealing with.

lynzpynz · 08/03/2020 20:22

You've been remarkably considerant and civil given her behaviour OP. Any successful relationship requires both sides to be giving and taking in balanced measures. It sounded like she wanted more of an echo chamber to provide her with what she wanted with zero interest or empathy for what you wanted. Sad outcome but entirely her doing.

LuckyLickitung · 08/03/2020 20:27

Sensible responses OP. Your primary responsibility is to the well being of yourself, your baby and your established family which is more than enough to be going on with at present.

You quite fairly don't want to stir up trauma caused by bio-father, and you are not responsible for fruitlessly attempting to mop up any further devestation sown by him.

I did get in touch with my paternal family in adulthood. I waited until I was at a very stable point in life and had no expectations. It wasn't consequence-free even though on balance it was worthwhile and I have gained family from it. Even then it's much more like having ILs because there isn't that history of shared experience.
Getting in touch with bio-family is a minefield and is more likely to stir up difficulties than resolve them.

namewhatevertoday · 08/03/2020 20:28

You have handled it well. That can't have been easy. It is very difficult when "new" relatives appear even when they are well behaved.

We have a number of "new" relatives, and although they are absolutely lovely, my DM has found it quite difficult, it's a whole new dynamic and takes time to fathom out. There is rarely a slot straight in scenario.

Unfortunately in your case, this new relative doesn't comprehend normal family boundaries; let alone the difficulties of appearing out of the blue and expecting instant everything and more. I've got to admit that's my worry if anymore "new" relatives appear, as I know I've been very lucky to date.

Howzaboutye · 08/03/2020 20:30

Block on everything

TinselTitsMcTree · 08/03/2020 20:32

Don't block her. Be honest and tell her it's too much too soon. Be kind but firm.

TinselTitsMcTree · 08/03/2020 20:34

Sorry, missed the last part about your message and response etc. RTFT huh. Ignore my last post!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2020 20:38

A very well written response (and blocking).

Is there anyone (half-sibs or whoever) that need to know that you have blocked her and for them not to give her any information about you?

Mayhapitis · 08/03/2020 20:40

She's given you no other option but to block her.

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