To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

[FirstTimeMummy1988]

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

Phew glad you got rid.

I’d be a bit concerned that you put her in touch with some family on your father’s side.

Might she give them a sob story to get your address? I’d forewarn them.

Well done for taking decisive action. It was absolutely necessary to protect yourself and your family.

Please be careful in the next few days / weeks. She sounds emotionally dysregulated (unsurprising given her childhood) and may act out now that she feels you've "abandoned" her. Be prepared for suicide threats, spreading malicious rumours, etc. Whatever happens - do not feel sorry for her and get back in touch. Warn friends and family not to give out information and lock your doors.

Bitter experience

Good on you, OP, for self-preservation.

I’d definitely let your aunt etc know what you’ve decided. It sounds like she had a lot going on and was also getting a lot of hassle from your half sister. She probably should block her too.

You do not know her.
She is a stranger.
You need to protect your own.
Her happiness is not your responsibility.

I do feel terribly sorry for her
But I dealt with my feelings and trauma caused by my father a long time ago because I recognised it was affecting my own relationships. When I met my now DH my childhood still affected me and I realised if I wanted to have a successful relationship I needed to address my issues. It still affects me occasionally, my DH is the most gentle man but if he ever raises his voice or moves suddenly during a row I still flinch. I just hope she can get some help for the issues her childhood has caused

Oh God, alarm bells ringing all over the place! I'd block her & cut her off. ASAP. You've got enough on your plate, you've been very lovely up till now & whatever/however you tell her, she sounds unhinged enough to take it very very badly.

She sounds like a 'bunny boiler!' I would block her

What a sensible and measured response OP. Sometimes just because we are related by blood doesn’t mean we have to bond/like/tolerate the other person

Sounds as if she is a narcissist— everything always comes back to how she feels and her needs and she seems unable to “hear” what you say about your and other’s needs.
Unfortunately narcissists cannot change so you have done the right thing in excluding her from your life. You kindly gave her a chance but she blew it and you have no reason to feel at all bad about it.
I hope your life becomes less stressful as your wee one thrives.

You sound very caring and your responses to her were very measured OP. I'm sorry you had such a terrible time with your bio dad. You've obviously had to put a lot of work into coming to terms with that man and what he did to you and your mum, it sounds like this girl is in a very different place and the two perspectives are just not compatible - thats aside from any issues about boundaries.

Wishing you and the little one all the best.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. My son's dad has 4 other children. He's an absolute maggot too....hasnt bothered with any of them, paid no maintenence and basically treat all of us exes like sh*t.

My son doesn't feel the need to know any of his 'siblings'.

If this girl is making you feel uncomfortable then you need to cut contact. You don't owe her anything.

Unfortunately a narcissist or similar just like her father was. They say it's not genetic but I think there probably are links. Nit to mention she nay gave had a dysfunctional upbringing too I suppose. Be careful with the other brothers and sisters as there may be more like her. You can always tell when they start demanding too much of your time and attention and get pissy when you are busy with other things. It isn't immaturity, it's emotional stunting. You're well rid.

*not to mention she may have had

Best thing you could have done OP. She sounds very unstable and I wouldn't want someone like that around my children.

op i know you still must have your shit days,but to me you sound like a really lovely,kind and mature lady.a real inspiration to anyone who has been through trauma.you have come out the other end,perhaps not completely healed yet but youve come so so far.and you deserve that.and deserve to protect yourself from things that might stir or harm you ever again.
you do not need to see nor forigve that shit.
family doesnt mean they are good or needed or worthy of you.
and trauma can as weve often seen turn people vulnerable but can also turn them bad too.
she sounds like shes has been through alot and perhaps not healed yet or how she mightve done to be in safe place herself.
thats not on you.especially seen as you havent known her your whole life.
protect yourself for now.
and please dont let this bring it all up again or make you backwards in your own healing.
you never did anything wrong.it was done to you.
go and get cosy tonight and be restful now as i can imagine this will be a bit overwhelming tongiht. go get some family hugs.

You've handled this amazingly, well done. As well as blocking id advise to make sure all your SM is set to private as well.

I had similar to this. My dad never knew about a girl he had fathered through a one night stand years ago - before my mum was even in his life. She showed up about 30yrs ago when she was about 18. Dad felt guilty so he set her up in a flat, was giving her money (my dad is very successful and also has lots of properties), helping her and her baby (his grandson). Turned out she was a druggie and sold everything she had been given, all the furniture, put her baby up for adoption, got other druggies living with her and wrecking the flat she had been given and after a lo time of dad trying to help her he gave up and washed his hands of her. There was no bond there so nothing keeping him. Plus we don't actually know if he is her father tbh...
Anyway years and years later she and I connected on Facebook. She seems to have sorted her life out to an extent but by god she was full on. She started behaving just like your "sister" and would hound me if I didn't reply immediately and harass me to set up a meeting with "our dad" - she wanted to meet "her" nephew (my son) and started trying to add all my cousins and younger siblings etc. In the end, after trying to keep her at arms length and allow it to grow naturally and organically, I realised she was too volatile and possibly dangerous. It was scary actually. I tried explaining to her I wanted to take things slow and wasn't ready to meet her (plus I had health issues, a divorce and had just lost a baby at the time)
So I blocked her on everything. She still occasionally will set up a fake profile and try to add me but I immediately just delete the request and block her.
She won't bring anything or add any value to my life or to my children's and she could potentially bring drama and negativity to it instead. Same with your "sister."
Block her and move on. You will get some abuse to begin with but it will blow over - and you can always get the police to just have a word. They will do that if she continues to harass you after you have blocked her.

It sounds like she has a personality disorder like narcissism. First she's bombing you with affection and attention, then she's discarding you with excessive levels of abuse. Look up narcissistic abusers and feel glad you dodged a bullet. And if you haven't actually seen any proof she's genuinely your sister, I'd take that with a pinch of salt because she could very easily be scamming.

Her behaviour just screams borderline personality disorder, which is sadly more common amongst younger women who have experienced trauma. Don’t feel guilty for ending contact, it wasn’t doing her any good and it certainly wasn’t good for you either.

Poor woman sounds highly unstable, and there is nothing you can do to help that. You have been kind, and set boundaries, and ultimately now you have had to enforce those boundaries for the sake of yourself and your family. OP, you’ve acted wisely and done the best thing.

Really well handled, OP. This is one of those threads that makes me wish I'd been on MN years ago - there's some great advice here.

If you ever feel guilt, remember she is not your child she is only your maybe-half-sister. You have no responsibility for her and would have been happy to have a normal relationship, but she has messed it up better to block now than this get worse

So many Mumsnet posters make me sick. Vile, thoughtless and cruel comments on here, as usual. It seems like so many posters are only here to prove they can tell someone to fuck off in the wittiest way possible (although never witty, just sounds like a playground bully!). OP, I agree that this girl isn’t your problem but she sounds desperately sad and like she has been through an awful lot to be like this. She’s clearly desperate for family connections. If you need to tell her you do t want contact with her then please do it kindly and gently, not with some of the abuse posted on here. It never ceases to amaze me how Mumsnet poster can be so faux-caring when it comes to issues like suicide, spouting the same old cliches like ‘check up on people!’ And ‘let everyone know they’re not a burden!’ And ‘if you can be anything then be kind’ etc, but then faced with a situation like this, a poor, lonely young girl who has no family and has clearly faced some horrible times in her life, SO many people respond saying the OP should basically tell her to fuck off in various cruel ways. Just explain to her that you can’t be what she wants right now, but let her know the relationship you are able/willing to have, and maybe try to kindly explain why she’s being too intense for the others. This girl has done nothing wrong except be a victim of shitty parent and a shitty childhood and she doesn’t deserve to be treated how some people have suggested. This thread has made me really sad.