To not be comfortable with my new "Sister"

[FirstTimeMummy1988]

My biological father is an absolute scum bag, kids all over the place he never saw or paid a penny for, in and out of prison for drugs and domestic violence, he has 8 children that I know of. We have no relationship, the last time I saw him was at my Nan's funeral 10 years ago and we didn't speak. My mum married and had 2 children with a man she met when I was 10, no while I don't call him Dad my oldest DS calls him Grumps and my youngest DS will also

I know of a few of bio dads children, I have one of his sons on social media, we exchange birthday messages and congratulations when our children were born although we've never met. Recently a girl contacted me via Facebook saying that she's "my sister"
Turns out we have the same father, she seems like a nice girl and i was happy to exchange messages and get to know her on a friendly basis. But it's been a few months now and I find her really full on, she messages me several times a day and if I don't reply almost straight away she starts sending me crying emojis and asking me what she's done. I've said "oh sorry busy with kids" or "was just getting dinner" and she usually replies with "need to make time for your sister too missy! Your the older sister should lead by example"
I had my youngest DS 8 weeks ago, we have only just come out of hospital as he was early, she was very upset when I said I didn't feel comfortable her coming to hospital when we hadn't even met yet. She kept sharing posts on Facebook asking her Facebook friends to "pray for her Nephew"
She had now tried to add my DH, DM and both of my DB's (my mothers children) on Facebook and keeps asking me about facilitating contact with biological fathers family, I am in contact with his sister and father and always have been, they despise bio dad as much as I do
She keeps asking when can she come and visit her sister and nephews. I keep saying oh let us settle in first we've only been home a few days, it's hard settling in with a newborn plus DS1 is only 21 months and is a bit clingy with me as I've been at hospital a lot but this morning my best friend of over 15 years popped in. She actually brought us all breakfast and kept my older DS busy while I managed to shower and get dressed it was a massive help. My friend put a picture on Facebook of herself with the boys and tagged me in it saying how happy she is to be an auntie to another beautiful boy and then I got a torrent of abuse from "my sister" about how I've broken her heart keeping her nephews away from her and letting a woman who "isn't even family" around them and not her. She also was angry that my DM hasn't accepted her messages and why won't we accept her into the family. I've tried to explain that while we may share a biological parent, and there's actually no proof at this point but other than that unfortunately she's a stranger, my mum doesn't want reminding of a abusive relationship it took years of therapy to get over and at the moment as awful as it may sound I have no place in my life for a new sibling relationship especially as she is now talking about wanting a relationship with bio dad and I do not want him anywhere near me or my sons and she keeps saying "dad will change when he sees his grandsons" she has never met bio dad, my argument is if he couldn't change for his children why would he change for mine. I've passed on her number to bio dads family that I'm in touch with so they can contact her if they like, unfortunately grandad has decided against this and auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

So I suppose my question is AIBU In telling this girl that I don't want the kind of relationship she does and what's the kindest way of saying it

Honestly? I'd block her and move on.

I feel anxious just reading this post. You have my sincerest sympathy. I’m with ‘Divgirl’, message politely then block.

I think as she is young and has had a difficult life, I would start off by sending her a straight talking message that she needs to stop this intense behaviour now, and telling her exactly what kind of contact you are willing to offer her. Make it clear that if she can´t behave herself, then you are not interested in further contact. If she reacts inappropriately or continues with this intense behaviour, then you need to follow through and break contact with her.

I wouldn't go straight to blocking her. It might be necessary in the end, but I would give her a chance to put it right first.

Has she had a dna test? Are you 99% sure you're actually related to this woman?

I feel a bit uneasy reading this OP as I'm in a similar situation but from the other side of FB messaging.

My father had 2 siblings adopted and always wondered what happened to them. I did our family tree using Ancestry.com and online birth records. I also did DNA testing.

I found out that the siblings were dead but had children. I did some FB stalking and sent them short and polite introductions.

They were shocked but said they were pleased and we exchanged a few messages and pictures. My dad was really happy. I've suggested a small meet up as I thought it would be better to answer questions and get to know one another face to face.

I do worry that I'm being full - on though.

I also have some regrets about starting this contact now.

Family A seem nice and normal. There are 6 cousins. They are smartly dressed, seemingly well educated, good jobs, their FB messages are polite, their houses look nice and clean, they say my aunt (their mother) had a good upbringing in her adopted family.

Family B on the other hand seem really rough. The aunt had one daughter who has bad makeup in her FB pics, mutton dressed as lamb clothing, lots of tattoos and piercings, always smoking cigarettes, live in a rough area of town and use lots of swear words in their messages. They say the adoptive family was abusive.

I keep telling myself appearances can be deceiving but I'm starting to worry I've made a mistake. I sound mean, I know

I've decided that I will go to the meet up and if I feel uncomfortable, I will distance myself, maybe put them on FB restricted, even though I am the one who initiated contact.

I do sympathise with both you and your sister. The need to know where you came from and have a family is strong. People want answers really. But at the same time, you need to protect yourself and your new family.

She sounds properly deranged, just block her and ignore. She is not your problem.

auntie did contact but like me finds her really full on and attention demanding, aunties husband is currently battling colon cancer and again is receiving abusive messages if she doesn't prioritise replying to this girl

Ooof! She needs to Back Off and Calm the Fuck Down!! I do feel sorry - she has clearly been very damaged by her upbringing and is hoping that this new ‘family’ she has discovered will fill the void for her.

I would message before blocking her:
I am so sorry if this is not what you were hoping for, but I feel that I need to make myself absolutely clear. Even though we share blood ties, we are essentially strangers. I have just had a baby and if I don't reply to you immediately, you send me abusive messages ticking me off and calling me ‘missy’. You send me abusing messages when you discover my best friend of (x) years standing has been to see me. You send abusive messages to aunt when she doesn’t immediately respond even though she has a huge amount of stress and worry about her husband’s health and so her thoughts are rightly engaged elsewhere. This is all TOO MUCH. I understand that you are excited to have found some blood relations but this is overstepping some serious boundaries and you need to calm down. When you are ready to have a normal relationship with a normal amount of contact then I am sure we will be glad to know you. For the moment however, we all have far too much on our plates to be at the beck and call of so demanding a person and so once this message has been sent, I will be blocking you.

I guess she has had a rough time growing up and just wants family. She must b excited to find a sister.
However does sound a bit too much. Maybe worth meeting up somewhere neutral and having a chat with her about ur father and try explaining why u want limited contact.

What @DivGurl said
Hopefully she doesn't have your address so she won't just turn up.

I feel for you, I think this is really difficult. If she's 22 but has experienced a childhood so bad she's ended up in foster care then the likelihood is she'll be functioning emotionally at a younger age than 22, just by virtue of the experiences most children in care have had to contend with. I don't know her circs now but if she has left her foster carers (which would be expected by then) it's entirely possible she has no/few safe or helpful adults around her.

As you already know this isn't your problem to sort. However if you can, do consider sending a message setting out what kind of relationship you'd be willing to have - even if it's minimal, because blocking or evading will just be interpreted as rejection and would have a much bigger negative impact on someone who has been through the care system compared to the next person. It sounds like she puts a lot of value on social media relationships to - the look of an online life - so please consider specifying how you use that, if you do keep the online link.

I have a similar situation in my family but with younger cousins, and I was really surprised at how much value they put in SM, bought me an Xmas present because of all the 'support' I'd given over a few months, my 'support' was literally 'liking' pictures they'd posted about a family member who had passed away and sending an occasional message. But to someone who gets a lot of shit on SM and doesn't get unconditional care from anyone it apparently meant a lot more than I appreciated.

It does sound like she's desperate to cling to any people she perceives as family and she may be able to tone it down if she receives the message that she's 'accepted' but at arms length due to your own needs and that of your family.

She sounds like my partners half sister (same mum)

She contacted all and sundry. Even his half sister that's not related to her (same dad as dp)

They all ended up blocking her. The messages she sent to DP, were quite disturbing. Completely inappropriate for anyone to be sending. Never mind a relative.

She scared a few people. She did, eventually disappear

Block her before she finds out where you live and before you need a restraining order.

I have said to her to leave my mother and brothers alone, even if it is later proven she is my half sister she is no relation to them whatsoever. My mother and oldest brother is 16 has blocked her.

I do feel awful for her, she's obviously had a terrible childhood and is looking for some sort of instant family to fill the void she must feel from her childhood. I have messaged her back this morning explaining my feelings on our father and she keeps telling me "people change, give him a chance, he's still our Dad"
This man went to prison for putting my mums head through a window! There was an injunction stopping him coming near me until I was 21 because he broke my arm in 4 places when I was 18 months old. One of his sons got married a few months ago, this poor lad thought the same thing "people change" and gave his dad a chance. He was thrown out of the wedding venue by security because he was caught snorting cocaine.

I have just sent her a message explaining that while I am willing to get to know her just as friends for now she needs to back off a bit. She is not my sister just because we share some DNA.
I have said the constant messages need to stop, not just because it's a highly emotive situation between us but I've just had a baby who has just spent 7 weeks in NICU and I just don't have room on my plate for this right now. Let's just try and be friends for now, let's see if we have anything in common and then maybe it would be an idea to actually find out if we are half sisters

I have told her that's it's not my place to facilitate contact with bio dads family, I can pass on her number but then it's for them to decide what to do. My grandads response was "oh another one" which I admit isn't the kindest but the amount of stress he has had due to his son over the years I can understand

I have also told her one final time that contact with bio dad is a deal breaker for me, I won't nothing to do with him and if she can't respect my feelings on that then our relationship really can't go any further

I do feel for her as it's clearly been difficult, and she's obviously very excited to have a half sister in her life, but also you can't keep putting up with that.

I think I'd probably give her another chance, and send a message saying something like 'it's been nice to start getting to know you and I'm really open to that, but I've got a lot going on at the minute, as does aunt, and it's not fair of you to be sending aggressive messages if we can't respond straight away. To be honest it's all been a little bit full on, and would appreciate it if you could take a step back. Hope you can appreciate this, and if so, it will be nice to keep on getting to know you.'

If you get an abusive response or she agrees but still bombards you, I'd block. But then I say this as someone who is NC with a sister and much happier for it.

Ahh sorry OP, cross posted. Sounds like you've handled it really well!

I feel sorry for her, she’s in an awful situation and probably doesn’t understand family relationships properly. I’d say one message explaining that she’s too full on and if she persists then block her.

Good for you, OP! Well said and nicely judged

Far too needy and demanding, perhaps understandably - but she is not your problem. I'd send a polite message saying that she is expecting far too much from a relationship that barely exists. And then block her. You don't need the drama that she will undoubtedly bring to your life.

even feeling rejected i dont think ive ever seen someone react and behave like that.its too forward/cheeky.its too much.and deff volitile when you dont react how she wants.
im sorry youve been through the shit op.dont add to it.
i dont know whether she has been treated in such a way to make her act like this but she has gone about contact in all the wrong ways.

I think spelling it out as nicely as you did for her is what you needed to do to protect yourself. Well don’t for doing that and I hope she backs off. Congrats on your new little bundle as well!

Good message. I think you will see now in her reaction if she is just overkeen or someone you need to remove from your life.

Does she know your address? Maybe mute her on Facebook so she can’t tag/reply/post? And then I friend if needed? So sorry for what you went through with your dad and of course you never want to see him again.

I haven't got any advice just a lot of sympathy, my family acquired a long lost relative several years ago, and she is relentlessly pushy and has tried to force a history that doesn't exist.

Because of reasons I feel may be based in discrimination (I am disabled) she hasn't bothered her arse to meet me, even though I expressed interest but both of my siblings have and neither can stand her at all

When I was still on Facebook she used to tag them with gushing comments that implied a much closer relationship than actually exists and everyone just finds it a bit embarrassing and awkward.

Sounds like you handled it well. You don't need more aggro and drama in your life. It's a shame she's had a lousy time but you aren't her support human and you can't fix her, however much she seems to want you to.

I have two half sisters who I've never seen, I was brought up separately from them. I had a terrible childhood dad was an alcoholic etc., whilst they had the best of everything, world travel, private schools etc.

I have to say it never occured to me that they might owe me something, either a relationship or support of any kind. I messaged them once to ask if they would be interested in meeting up, they weren't. End of story.

If I harassed them now - because that's what this girl is doing to you - I wouldn't expect anyone feel sorry for me, I'd expect there to be some sort of unpleasant consequence! You've done as much as you should have, you've been polite. I think you have drawn a line in the sand with your new baby needing your attention, now just stick to your guns.