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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off at DH who made me look a twat?

217 replies

SlashsSnakePit · 07/03/2020 09:00

DH and I were going on a night out last night with his mate and his mates wife. He told me they were called Alan and Borgenstein. Obviously I questioned the wife’s name but he insisted she was Dutch and that was her actual name.

We got there and his mate did indeed refer to his wife as Borg so fair enough but DH whispered to me that she likes to be called her full name and only her hubby calls her Borg. So a while later I refer to her as her full name. Only that is not her real name at all. DH bursts out laughing and his mate punches him in the arm and calls him a twat. DH then explains its an in joke between the pair of them. His wife looked uncomfortable and I felt like an absolute twat. DH thinks I’m over reacting but I’m so annoyed. I struggle with social anxiety and this will play on my mind for months if not years.

OP posts:
Dutchesss · 07/03/2020 11:50

Your husband owes you both an apology.

To the people that find it funny, would you laugh if one of your partners friends got people to mock your name? Are you 8?

MitziK · 07/03/2020 11:55

@WorraLiberty No, I don't suffer from anxiety. I am, however, fully aware of the 'little' things that abusers and bullies do to make their victims feel unworthy, insignificant and isolated.

He doesn't see her as having the right to expect people to use her own name. His choice to call her something else is more important. His choice to call her something she dislikes is more important. And he has got his own snurking mate to call her whatever he likes. And his pathetic, snurking mate's wife has been tricked into mocking her as well, just to reinforce their feelings of innate male superiority.

Deliberately misnaming somebody is a very effective way of demonstrating that they and their feelings, identity and literal facts don't matter. It says they can't be arsed to get it right, they deliberately get it wrong because they aren't worth the respect of using their actual name, they put extra effort into deliberately saying it wrong.

There is an underlying thought here - she is not British. Think of somebody deliberately getting an Indian lady's name wrong, throw in a generic 'foreign' bit - what sort of person deliberately gets an Indian (or African, Chinese, Thai, etc) person's name wrong in that way? 'Oh, what's the fuss about, it's just funny, you have no sense of humour, you aren't like us because you're foreign and don't belong, we're all like this, we love jokes about foreigns and their stupid names'.

DishingOutDone · 07/03/2020 11:56

But what did you do OP? Did you just saying nothing, or did you say to the 3 of them what is going on and how is this funny, its rude?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 07/03/2020 12:03

Can you just text the wife? “Sorry about Jim last night.. honestly those two are worse than a couple of toddlers! Fancy a coffee next week? We could plan our revenge? xx”

(But actually my anxiety would probably kick in as well, and I’d spend the weekend stressing over it..)

MimiLaRue · 07/03/2020 12:05

Think of somebody deliberately getting an Indian lady's name wrong, throw in a generic 'foreign' bit - what sort of person deliberately gets an Indian (or African, Chinese, Thai, etc) person's name wrong in that way? 'Oh, what's the fuss about, it's just funny, you have no sense of humour, you aren't like us because you're foreign and don't belong, we're all like this, we love jokes about foreigns and their stupid names'

Couldn't agree more! Its subtle racism. Imagine if this lady were Chinese or Indian or Middle eastern- would some people still be saying "its just a joke!". My H is not British and is from the Middle east. His name is very VERY easy to pronounce and its pronounced exactly as its spelt. Yet people continually get it wrong. Half the time they dont even bother to try to get it right. Ive noticed the ones who make the least effort to get it right (even after he's mentioned to them how its pronounced) are the ones who make racist comments about "foreigners" taking all the jobs and all that daily mail BS.

Jenasaurus · 07/03/2020 12:08

That was really mean of your DH, Borgenstien means, broken, stupid or an idiot according to this

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=borgenstein

Jenasaurus · 07/03/2020 12:09

He basically got you to call his friends wife stupid, the first time you meet, what a nice man

OhCaptain · 07/03/2020 12:09

I actually agree that it’s racist.

But that doesn’t make it domestic violence.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2020 12:10

So is that why people think it’s funny because OP called someone an idiot?

billy1966 · 07/03/2020 12:13

OP, believe me it's your husband who looks the twat.

Using your wife as the butt of a joke is never nice.

He sounds like a lame nasty little twat.

He knows you suffer with anxiety, yet his need to use you as the butt of a joke came ahead of your enjoyment of the evening.

He's a prick.
But I bet you know that.
You can do better...cos he certainly ain't no prizeFlowers

The wife is definitely cringing for him, not you.
If anything, you have her sympathy Hmm

superisha · 07/03/2020 12:15

How old is your DH again? 8? I feel sorry for you being married to such a twat sorry!

IntergalacticSuperstar · 07/03/2020 12:15

His joke backfired

Well no it didn't, because he found it hilarious. And if he's as much of a knob as he sounds, the discomfort of his wife and his friends wife have probably already been forgotten.

IntergalacticSuperstar · 07/03/2020 12:19

DH then explains its an in joke between the pair of them.

His wife looked uncomfortable

So she's not in on the joke, she's just the butt of the joke - between her husband and his colleague.

I can't help wondering how much of your social anxiety comes from the fact that you are married to someone who sets you up like this. You shouldn't feel anxious about it, you should feel angry.

Ginfordinner · 07/03/2020 12:21

I can't help wondering how much of your social anxiety comes from the fact that you are married to someone who sets you up like this. You shouldn't feel anxious about it, you should feel angry.

You might be right.

MimiLaRue · 07/03/2020 12:33

I can't help wondering how much of your social anxiety comes from the fact that you are married to someone who sets you up like this. You shouldn't feel anxious about it, you should feel angry

I agree. Sounds like its less your issue OP, and more to do with the fact that you are married to someone who deliberately embarrasses people and humiliates them for lols. No wonder your social anxiety is through the roof. Mine would be too if my H behaved like that and I dont even have social anxiety.

gamerwidow · 07/03/2020 12:39

If it's any consolation I'm sure his friend's wife realised that he was the twat not you. There is no need for you to feel embarrassed.

MintyMabel · 07/03/2020 12:43

Can’t even have a laugh without offending someone.

I assume you’ve never lived with anxiety.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/03/2020 12:44

So they both regularly take the piss out of this woman because of her name then?

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2020 12:47

But they were offending someone, a member of the group who wasn’t in on the joke was being called an idiot.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2020 12:47

It's only a joke if the person(s) on the receiving end find it funny

maddy68 · 07/03/2020 12:49

I would find that funny TBF. Do you think perhaps you've taken it to heart when it's just a little joke?

OhCaptain · 07/03/2020 12:51

It actually doesn’t matter in the slightest if people here would find it funny.

The butt of their joke (Borg) didn’t find it funny.

And OP is clearly upset about being used as a prop in the joke, without her knowledge.

ravenmum · 07/03/2020 12:57

"Borgenstein" doesn't mean anything; urban dictionary is a place where puerile schoolboys like the two men in this story can put on their friend's surname and say that it means "stupid". Some of the definitions are right, others are nonsense.

Agree with the Dutch lady above who says that this is the kind of eye-rolling behaviour is something that is irritating to put up with from acquaintances when you are a foreigner. Being married to someone who still finds it amusing to do the type of joke that people make when they come across their very first ever Dutch person must be tedious at best. Rather like if your name was Victor and your wife did the Victor Meldrew impression every time you went out. Except that the ending "-enstein" is not even Dutch; it's German.

OP, just apologise and commiserate with this lady on sharing the same bloody awful choice of partner; she will probably be delighted to find an ally, and it will help slay this particular social anxiety monster.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2020 13:01

Why is it funny maddy? If the people you made the butt of the joke didn’t find it funny would you apologise or laugh at them more (possibly behind their back)?

AnyFucker · 07/03/2020 13:03

This reminds me of that Little Britain sketch where the FatFighters leader deliberately "cannot understand" the Asian lady who is talking perfect English