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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He forgot cancer appointment

196 replies

brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:42

Hi all! Am going through worrying time with my health at moment. After all clear for cervical cancer a few weeks ago i had to go for blood test today to check for signs of ovarian cancer. I told OH appointment was booked 3 days ago and have obviously been really worried about it. OH is not working at present as he is self emplyed in weather dependant job, and said he would take me to appointment. He then went out for the day early and when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today. I dont often ask for his help or time but had explained how important and worrying this was for me. I feel not only like i am not getting the support i need with this but i am also getting abuse for objecting to him "forgetting" when he has known how worried i am about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:44

Thanks for any input. Worried i am being harsh as so stressed X

OP posts:
LoveFameTragedy · 05/03/2020 16:46

If perhaps he also has other things on his mind (weather dependent income) then his outburst may be because he was embarrassed. If not he possibly felt that since it would be the results that mattered rather than the drawing of blood it wasn’t such a big deal, and that your worry would be on going till then. Maybe try a gentle chat.

I do hope your appointment went ok.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2020 16:47

He sounds really horrible. What's wrong with a sincere apology?

Bloodless · 05/03/2020 16:48

Hope you get good results OP ❤️ Thinking of you.

As for DH, perhaps when he is stressed he maybe acts like this? It’s not personal just he that worried about u? Stress can do weird things to people

Lweji · 05/03/2020 16:49

Is he prone to unleashing barrels of abuse?

He should have apologised to you, not throw abuse at you.

I hope the tests are negative.

On your OH's front, I do hope this was a one off, because he sounds like a terrible partner.

Kanelbullar · 05/03/2020 16:49

Hi OP. I'd be so hurt if that were me. I'm not sure you should have to explain to a dp how worried you are in this situation. So sorry you've been treated like this during what is a horrible time for you. Hope you get clear results and some better support x

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:50

Thank you LFT have tried to explain but am getting barrage for not reminding him. The health worry is a huge deal to me and finding it hard to understand someone forgetting after 3 days.

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Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:54

Thanks all. Was kind of relying on his support. Havent told family at this point as dont want to put stress on anyone else. Luckily my bestie is a brick but sadly miles away. Feeling bit sorry for myself as need a bit of propping up at mo. X

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FlowerArranger · 05/03/2020 16:57

... when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today

What's the backstory?

I cannot even begin to imagine how his behaviour could possibly be excused.

Mr husband and I are separated, but I know that if I had a health scare, he'd be there for me. As he was previously when we were going through a bad patch. As I would be for him.

Can you tell us why he may be so callous?

partofthepeanutgallery · 05/03/2020 16:58

He sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

I hope your tests come back ok.

Deckthehallswithlotsofcake · 05/03/2020 17:05

Unfortunately, a lot of men are not supportive at all when their spouses get ill. I read once that if a man goes blind, in more than 90% of the cases the woman stays. When a woman goes blind in more than 80% of the cases the man leaves.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 17:06

I cant explain because i cant make sense of it myself. Sorry

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Iooselipssinkships · 05/03/2020 17:09

Could he have just forgotten the date rather than the actual appointment? Had neither of you not been discussing it the night before? About your worries, nerves, what time it was at etc.
My partner is very supportive but so forgetful when it comes to what's going on when.
However he shouldn't have given you a barrage of abuse for not reminding him. I'd expect an apology, hug and a sit down conversation about how it went.

MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 17:11

I think I’d be more upset if he’d forgotten an appointment for results rather than taking blood. I’ve had similar health worries recently so I understand that it’s worrying, but wouldn’t really have thought of going to get the blood taken as a big appointment so maybe he’s of a similar view? I hope it all turns out ok 💐

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 17:12

I told him on Monday and we discussed it again on Tuesday. He asked why i was a bit quiet last night and told him it was on my mind

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nosleepp · 05/03/2020 17:13

He sounds horrible

Motoko · 05/03/2020 17:15

Can't believe 9% think YABU!

YANBU at all OP. He should be your rock, and if he can't even do this, he's not going to help if you do get bad news and need treatment. I've been living with cancer for nearly 8 years now, and my husband has been there for me all through it. That's what husbands are meant to do.

Tell your family, they won't want you going through this alone, and will feel bad when they do find out, thinking you felt you couldn't tell them. Ring them tonight.

Good luck.

happytoday73 · 05/03/2020 17:16

Tell him to stop blaming you that he forgot. Explain that you expect support just like you would provide him with support. If he can't do that then the least he can do is not make it worse...
FlowersWine

SnuggyBuggy · 05/03/2020 17:17

Is this how he normally is? He sounds a bit emotionally immature and his reaction was very over the top.

mencken · 05/03/2020 17:17

can't think of any excuse for this at all.

'other' half, definitely not 'dear' half. Knob.

I hope all is clear for you.

Largeyellowdaffodil · 05/03/2020 17:17

What did you require him to do?
Just ask how the blood test went? You dont have any results yet?

Topseyt · 05/03/2020 17:17

Nothing excuses the barrage of abuse and I hope he apologises for that, otherwise I would be rethinking the relationship.

Just personally, I would have been wanting my DH with me for the appointment to discuss the blood test results, but not for the one to actually have the blood samples drawn off. You are entitled to like it your way though, and if he had agreed to be there then he should have been.

BaolFan · 05/03/2020 17:18

YANBU. Absolutely and completely not.

So he's made a mistake and forgotten about it. Shit, but it happens.

The way to respond to it however, is to apologise and be present now to hold your hand and give you the support that you need.

However his chosen response of lashing out and being nasty, is intended to put you back in your box and to get you to say that it's fine and doesn't matter. That way he doesn't have to confront his shit behaviour and he can keep telling himself that he's a good partner really.

Lynda07 · 05/03/2020 17:19

You're not unreasonable, he hurled abuse at you defensively because he feels guilty about forgetting. How dare he blame you!

I hope the tests come back negative.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 17:22

I didn't ask him to go, he said he would take me and i told him that would be great. Forgetting feels bad enough. Turning it on me feels like a dealbreaker right now.

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