Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He forgot cancer appointment

196 replies

brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:42

Hi all! Am going through worrying time with my health at moment. After all clear for cervical cancer a few weeks ago i had to go for blood test today to check for signs of ovarian cancer. I told OH appointment was booked 3 days ago and have obviously been really worried about it. OH is not working at present as he is self emplyed in weather dependant job, and said he would take me to appointment. He then went out for the day early and when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today. I dont often ask for his help or time but had explained how important and worrying this was for me. I feel not only like i am not getting the support i need with this but i am also getting abuse for objecting to him "forgetting" when he has known how worried i am about this.

OP posts:
Motoko · 05/03/2020 18:57

Hell not he'll.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2020 18:59

Skierrdery the OH was meant to be taking the OP to the blood test centre. Why would you shout at someone if you had forgotten something?

Do people unleash a barrage of abuse at their work colleagues if those work colleagues had forgotten to remind you that you were meant to be taking them to a meeting?

Largeyellowdaffodil · 05/03/2020 19:00

Seeing that she is just coming out of having chemotherapy for ANOTHER cancer, I’m sure you will be able to understand how worrying this will be for her.

She did not say that.
She said Had chemo treatment several years ago myself

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2020 19:00

And those work colleagues were women because we couldn’t possibly expect a man to remember an appointment.

Furiosa · 05/03/2020 19:00

Happygoldfinch you're having us on right?

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 19:04

Furiosa - not really. I know women who relish the lack of emotional support that they claim their husbands demonstrate after engineering situations themselves. On whined for weeks about her husband forgetting her birthday - I knew from another friend that she had said days before that she thought he would forget! We have to accept that we are not perfect, the men in our lives too. This verbal attack - if he was a really nasty bastard then I'm behind you 100% - but I'd like to know what he said before advising poor OP to give up on a relationship whilst she's juggling palliative care for a cousin and her own worries.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 19:05

Have had chemo, laperoscopies, hysteroscapies, lasering, scans, biopsies. Both before and some during relationship. Todays test was 125 and another to see if other regions could be affected which are new ones on me. Obviously my past health and the speed appointments are coming at me are unnerving but its great that hospital and doctors are right on it! My issue is more his behaviour. I dont think telling him he had forgotten (in less than 24 hours) makes me necessarily deserving of his behaviour. Just wanted some feedback.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/03/2020 19:06

Yes, let's give him the benefit of the doubt, but not OP. Confused

MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 19:08

The OP asked I’d she was BU...

Mintychoc1 · 05/03/2020 19:09

Am i missing something, or was it just the blood test you went for today? Surely it’s getting the results that’s the time you’d need support? I wouldn’t expect support when I was just having a blood test.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 19:12

But what was his behaviour, OP? What did he say? You say that he turned it on you (I would have done too if my partner had gone off to a test I'd promised to drive him to but had clearly forgotten about rather than just say, "Oh, you were going to drive me, yes?") and unleashed a barrel of abuse - but what specifically did he say? If he was nasty I'm behind you completely, but if he was pissed off that you had sort of waved him goodbye in the morning and chosen not to remind him, then I can understand that...

MarbleRunner · 05/03/2020 19:13

Please remember that even if you ca125 levels are raised it doesn't mean that you definitely have ovarian cancer. Blood markers can be raised as a result of any cysts or your endo. Good luck

Friendsofmine · 05/03/2020 19:13

I hope you get the all clear OP.

I would be hurt. If you had a conversation about it he should have put it in his own phone/diary etc so that he remembered. It would be reasonable that if you spoke this morning and you thought of it to have reminded him but ultimately he's angry at himself I imagine and if he is a good bloke will realise that himself and apologise.

Comtesse · 05/03/2020 19:14

He feels ashamed he forgot and is projecting this as rage instead. He is being super unreasonable btw. He should apologise profusely for (a) forgetting and (b) being bad tempered.

NearlyGranny · 05/03/2020 19:16

He's been very unsupportive and got angry with you when you'd done nothing wrong. I'd be hurt. You've only just got the all-clear from your previous cancer; of course you're worried! Ovarian cancer is notoriously difficult to diagnose and it's more common in women who've had endometriosis, so you're carrying a huge load of anxiety. He knows this because you spelled it out the night before. He offered to drive you there which is a supportive and loving thing to do and then forgot. He wasn't even working and said he had planned other things to do, so treating your appointment as an unwelcome waste of his time and getting angry with you into the bargain.

If he wanted to show you he didn't care two hoots, I can't think of a better way to do it.

That must have been a lonely and bitter drive for you, OP, and if you do face more treatment it looks like he doesn't plan to support you through it this time.

When it's calm, ask him whether his support and care for you is actually exhausted now, because that's how it feels.

Statistics show that women cancer sufferers are 8 times more likely to be left by their husbands than are men sufferers by their wives. 8 times.

He needs to pull something pretty special out of the box now, I think.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2020 19:21

I'm really sorry OP to hear of the previous treatment you have had. You don't have to say but was that a gynae cancer?

I am still not sure your DH went mad/

Was it because he wanted to be with you and was annoyed he'd forgotten? And he'd have liked a reminder?

Or was it because he had things he wanted to do, so he'd have not come anyway?

Your post's a bit confusing.

Devlesko · 05/03/2020 19:22

I'd be hurt too OP, it's not like he was doing anything. Besides you remind a school child about important appointments, not a grown man.
Is he usually so useless and unsupportive, he sounds awful OP.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2020 19:26

Besides you remind a school child about important appointments, not a grown man.

I can see women across the world shaking their heads at this.

Unless he's got a diary or puts it in his phone or on the calendar, it's quite likely he or anyone might forget.

Or are the posters here all perfect? Hmm

Nomorepies · 05/03/2020 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

EKGEMS · 05/03/2020 19:29

Utter fucking tripe to you who are saying it was "just a blood test"even if your experience as a patient or spouse of a patient -cancer is scary as fuck and this woman posting isn't asking for much just the bare minimum from her inadequate partner

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 19:37

He only said he was going out for couple of hours this morning but didnt come back for the day. I didnt think he would forget especially after we discussed it last night. When he came in he asked what i had been doing today, when i told him he said i was selfish and a few other expletives. I havent retaliated as i have no words right now

OP posts:
Bringringbring12 · 05/03/2020 19:40

It has been worrying you
You didn’t mention this morning
Were you testing him?

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 19:41

EKGEMS - That's the sort of knee-jerk reaction based on scant information that I love about reading for giggles on the Daily Mail website. OP is considering ending her relationship with her partner based on him forgetting a thing that she didn't remind him about (and we ALL forget things - men can be as useless as some of us when it comes to organising their lives). We don't know specifically what it was that he said to her that she describes as a barrel of abuse. And it was a blood test that she went for - not results. The people urging her to end her relationship and claiming that her husband is inadequate need to stop. She's shattered, she's angry, she's upset, she's plate-spinning a sick relative with her own horrible worries - and she may well be inflating her current woes with her partner because of this. Don't fan the flames, for fuck's sake, until you know a bit more (when I might well join you if he has been an utter shit).

conduitoffortune · 05/03/2020 19:42

Can't believe the amount of times I have read 'men forget things' on this thread.

Please link the research that supports this.

TheNavigator · 05/03/2020 19:44

OP, your DH is a shit. Some posters appear to have pathetically low standards for their partners. If I was going for a blood test that had even a teeny link to cancer, my DH would think of nothing else. It would literally be the main thing on his mind so he couldn't possibly forget. And vice versa if it was him, of course.

Why be married to someone unless you really love and care about them? And how can you forget any medical event that is important to someone you love and care about? I am so sorry OP, you deserve so much better.