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AIBU?

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Original poster

He forgot cancer appointment

196 replies

brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:42

Hi all! Am going through worrying time with my health at moment. After all clear for cervical cancer a few weeks ago i had to go for blood test today to check for signs of ovarian cancer. I told OH appointment was booked 3 days ago and have obviously been really worried about it. OH is not working at present as he is self emplyed in weather dependant job, and said he would take me to appointment. He then went out for the day early and when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today. I dont often ask for his help or time but had explained how important and worrying this was for me. I feel not only like i am not getting the support i need with this but i am also getting abuse for objecting to him "forgetting" when he has known how worried i am about this.

OP posts:
BentNeckLady · 05/03/2020 18:21

Your husband sounds like a twat but I’m not sure it’s fair on anyone to call a blood test appointment a cancer appointment.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 18:22

Am currently putting all of my time into a close cousin who is at palliative stage hence not wanting to put any more stress onto my family. Had chemo treatment several years ago myself already so yes i have perspective on this.

OP posts:
florascotia2 · 05/03/2020 18:22

I agree that the OP's post was perhaps a bit dramatic. Fingers crossed that the test won't show raised levels and she won't need further investigations.

But in many serious situations - of all kinds, not just medical - denial plus a degree of emotional aggression is pretty commonplace. Again, I'm not saying that is good. But it happens

I'm of an age group where many people preferred to receive bad news alone, so that we could have a bit of space to come to terms with it and cope with it in the way that suited us best. I find the modern tell everyone everything straight away much more stressful. But it really depends, I suppose, on what you are used to.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2020 18:23

@NomdeDieu But ovarian cancer is not always a case of ‘just monitoring’ for a while far from

What a weird statement. Who said ovarian cancer was monitored?

This sentence makes no sense.
The Op as far as she knows does not have OC.

This was a routine blood test which looks for OC and also other gynae issues which can give a positive C125 result but which are not cancer.

It was a blood test.

None of are the OP- not even you.

But this is a public forum and she asked for comments.

Calm down.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/03/2020 18:23

Not reminding him seems quite cruel - men forget things

Oh this is such bollocks. Men have no more need to forget things than women. She isn't his mother she is his partner and he is a grown adult who can presumably mark a calendar, set an alarm or tie a knot in his dick if necessary.

How does he remember his work appointments or anything important to him?

It doesn't matter what other people think of the test - what matters is that the OP was anxious, he offered to take her, then when he forgot he didn't apologise for forgetting, he gave her abuse for it.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:27

OP, please try and look at it from his point of view. During chemo I made my husband's life a nightmare because he was supposed to be "in charge" of sorting out all the side effect tablets for me, and one day he forgot one, with some fairly harrowing results. I made him feel really bad about it, and I still regret doing that. If you love him, try and see it from his shoes - he forgot, he feels awful about it, he's angry with himself, he wonders (as we do) why you let him go off in the morning without reminding him of what he had promised you. The relationship doesn't have to be over at all.

Tootletum · 05/03/2020 18:29

My DH forgot scan days for all our kids. Men are rubbishSmile

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:30

...and men do forget things. And women do too, of course, but a woman hasn't forgotten anything in this situation. A man has. A man can forget things. There we go. Nothing to get excited about, and can people stop inflaming OP's anxiety by suggesting that her man is useless.

Thelnebriati · 05/03/2020 18:33

OK, but then you have to stop minimising; he didnt just forget, he got angry and shouted at her. OP has already said that upset her more than the forgetting.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2020 18:34

The OP has had one set of tests for cancer, I assume it was more than a routine smear test, she is now having more blood tests for different sort of cancer, and again I assume not routine. So her OH offered to take her, she didn't ask him. She reminded him the night before.

He forgot, so he took it out on her with a barrage of abuse. How is that ok in anyone's books? Doesn't matter that you wouldn't need a handhold. OP is obviously worried, if I was in the same situation DH would probably ask if I wanted him to drive me there, if he was going to be home and available. He would be supportive. If he couldn't be there, he would ask me how I was feeling. he would be looking after me knowing I am worried, he would not be abusing me.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 05/03/2020 18:35

Of course he shouldn't have shouted at you.

Is he a new partner? Was he there for you during the earlier chemo?

If I expected DH to take me somewhere and I saw him leaving, then I'd ask him when I should expect him back. It seems your communication has broken down if you couldn't even ask him that question.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 18:36

Its not about the forgetting although he was reminded last night. Its about being attacked for telling him

OP posts:
Furiosa · 05/03/2020 18:37

Happygoldfinch

Ok for a second lets pretend we live in a world where men are always forgetting things because "poor men".

How do you explain away this knobheads agressive verbal assault on the OP. Why could he have not just apologised? Or do men have a natural excuse for that behavior too?

NomDeDieu · 05/03/2020 18:39

@JinglingHellsBells, that sort of test is NOT a routine test.

Seeing that she is just coming out of having chemotherapy for ANOTHER cancer, I’m sure you will be able to understand how worrying this will be for her.
Because she has a pretty good idea of what the treatment entails.
She also has a pretty good idea of the anxiety going with it.
You certainly cannot compare that to a routine blood test ‘just in case’.
That wouod be really crass tbh.

MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 18:40

A smear and those blood tests are routine for many gynaecologiical problems.

NomDeDieu · 05/03/2020 18:41

Of course, that will not explain how it is ok for her DH to speak to her like this either....

endofthelinefinally · 05/03/2020 18:42

OP, there is no excuse.
I am ill. DH looks after me, takes me to appointments, does all the things I can no longer do.
This is after 30 plus years of me doing practically everything on the domestic front because he worked horrendously long hours while I worked part time and looked after 3 dc.
He never utters one word of complaint, which is as it should be.
I am so sorry your DH has let you down.

Beansandcoffee · 05/03/2020 18:43

Although men forget things at home they still manage to become captains of industry, prime ministers etc etc. Let’s stop belittling men as they can certainly remember everything at work. The issue is that they are not interested in remembering at home. OP your DP was out of order at shouting at you. But why didn’t you say as he walked out of the door “hey DP have you forgotten that you are taking me to my blood test”?

NomDeDieu · 05/03/2020 18:43

But you need to have some gyne issues in the first place and not all gyne problem will lead to a blood test and/or smear test @MadamePewter.
When I had some investigation for endometriosis, I never had a smear test or a blood test. I had a scan (that doesn’t say anything anyway) and then a laparoscopy.

user1498572889 · 05/03/2020 18:46

Was it an appointment to see a doctor or a blood test.
Either way his reaction is horrible and selfish.
I can understand you wanting him with you at an appointment but not really for a blood test.

Skierrdery · 05/03/2020 18:49

Why didn't you just say this morning - see you at the blood test centre or something?
It's hardly a cancer appointment.
I'd probably shout too.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:49

Furiosa - the OP says that he unleashed a barrel of abuse. There are no specifics there. If OP lets us know what he specifically said, then maybe I could feel angry for her. Bu this is the same OP who has described a blood test as a "cancer appointment", so there is a bit of inflammatory language going on, understandably, because she's upset. Men are not all the same, just like we women have clearly different levels of neediness. My husband was beyond useless and forgot everything because his routine was shattered and his memory is appalling at the best of times. I think a measured response for OP is what would be helpful as she's probably feeling really hard done by and pissed off.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:52

beansandcoffee and your claim that "Although men forget things at home they still manage to become captains of industry, prime ministers etc etc" - you know that not all men manage this, don't you? That this man might be forgetful and be hopeless at strategies for reminding himself of things? Men are just men.

MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 18:53

@NomDeDieu I’ve recently had all these tests

Motoko · 05/03/2020 18:55

God, there's a lot of minimising and excusing the "poor men" going on. Not to mention the dismissive posts.

OP, you said it feels like a deal breaker. If that's the case, I agree. I know someone who has gone through this with no support from their partner, who even did things that made things worse, and it's been he'll for him. I suggest you make that decision now.