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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He forgot cancer appointment

196 replies

brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:42

Hi all! Am going through worrying time with my health at moment. After all clear for cervical cancer a few weeks ago i had to go for blood test today to check for signs of ovarian cancer. I told OH appointment was booked 3 days ago and have obviously been really worried about it. OH is not working at present as he is self emplyed in weather dependant job, and said he would take me to appointment. He then went out for the day early and when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today. I dont often ask for his help or time but had explained how important and worrying this was for me. I feel not only like i am not getting the support i need with this but i am also getting abuse for objecting to him "forgetting" when he has known how worried i am about this.

OP posts:
MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 19:44

@Exgems this was not a “cancer appointment”.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 19:44

Oh, OP - he just forgot and he's projecting his frustration on to you which is shit behaviour but understandable - you just can't see it right now because you're interpretation of events is so clouded by your sense of hurt. You need to communicate with him and get some hugs going. Go and make it up - get off Mumsnet - and share some hugs because you're both feeling awful Flowers

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 19:46

@conduitoffortune WOMEN FORGET THINGS TOO (sorry for shouting) - it's just that OP's man is a man! So we're saying that men forget things! Should use "people", I suppose, but that's less focused on her situation.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 19:48

@TheNavigator Well, that's great for you, but some of us are married to men with different qualities. Mine excels at what he does professionally but can't keep a diary. Don't use your own partner as a yardstick - against the measure of "remembering" yours might win all the time, but against other measures the OP's might be streets ahead.

Bunnylady54 · 05/03/2020 19:48

Glad someone eventually said “ barrage of abuse” instead of barrel!
DH used to do this ( have a go at me when he’d forgotten something that mattered to me) & if felt bloody awful. I ended up questioning everything. It was no excuse but he was extremely stressed about our financial situation & could be verbally & emotionally abusive. Thank goodness that’s all in the past.

Nekoness · 05/03/2020 19:48

@MadamePewter that is literally the title of this thread. You deciding otherwise means zero fucks to us. The OP calls it that and that is the worry she shared with her partner.

Bunnylady54 · 05/03/2020 19:50

It felt not if felt

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 19:53

@Nekoness But the inflammatory descriptive nature of the title shows the way OP is feeling about what was just a blood test. She is really upset and worried - and that is no way the right time to be on Mumsnet reading comments urging her to leave her partner and telling her that her partner is shit. She needs to go for a walk, distance herself, have a glass of wine, and make it up with him. It is relevant that she describes the blood test as she does.

Hotchocolate321 · 05/03/2020 19:54

You were going for a blood test though, not to get the results of the test. I don’t really understand what he’d be there for, to drive you and sit in the waiting room for 5min? You are angry he forgot you had a blood test, your title makes it sound far more dramatic.

Winterwoollies · 05/03/2020 19:55

I never fail to be horrified by some of the nasty bitches on here.

Instead of focusing on the fact that @brushingwateruphill was anxious because after lots of intervention, she’s having more tests looking for cancer (whatever they are or how unimportant YOU all think they are is utterly irrelevant) and was utterly let down by her pig of a husband, you’re all bashing her for calling it a cancer appointment. Which is what it is.

I just can’t fathom the mentality of kicking someone and piling onto to them when they’re already clearly very low and anxious and unsupported. Jesus.

conduitoffortune · 05/03/2020 19:57

@Happygoldfinch but posters aren't saying PEOPLE forget things or WOMEN forget things, they are saying MEN forget things. As if this is a trait which is exclusive to men. Rather than a line trotted off all the time to excuse men from having to act responsibly.

And aside from him forgetting, although he was reminded (and the OP is bizarrely being told it was her responsibility to remind him again and again) he's been fucking horrible to her about it. And somehow this is all STILL her fault and 'not even a cancer appointment'.

TheNavigator · 05/03/2020 19:57

@Happygoldfinch I would hope all of us are married to men with the qualities of loving and caring for us. Without those qualities, any others don't amount to a hill of beans.

If you love and care for someone, you would not forget they had a scary medical appointment - being comcerned about your loved ones well being is the very definition of loving and caring.

MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 20:00

I hadn’t realised you weren’t allowed to say YABU on her so will take myself off

MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 20:00

On here

pallisers · 05/03/2020 20:01

Some of the responses are disgraceful and also demonstrate yet again that many many people lack the most basic of comprehension skills. HE was angry not SHE.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 20:01

@Winterwoollies Stop fanning the flames of her sadness! Her partner forgot a thing (this happens, cancer or not), she's pissed off (understandably), and she's getting precious little measured reason from the Mumsnet crowd who are telling her he's inadequate. Based on one event. She's emotional, his behaviour isn't great, but Oh My God, to slag her partner off based on what little information we have? Just no. Appalling. Give her strategies, but don't just call him names.

pallisers · 05/03/2020 20:06

No. She is not pissed off because he forgot. She is upset because when he asked her what she did that day and she told him she had her blood test he said i was selfish and a few other expletives

Very simple - if you only read what is written as opposed to what you'd like to have been written.

Winterwoollies · 05/03/2020 20:09

@Happygoldfinch so it’s ok for people to pile on to the poster then but not her poor, dear forgetful husband?

She is the one who reached out for support and got laid into for it. And she’s undergoing investigations for cancer so is clearly vulnerable. It’s bullshit and makes them look inadequate and like bullies.

It never fails to make me depressed that people can seem to relish being so shitty to someone who they know is reading the responses.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2020 20:09

If the OP was a child and the OH was the dad who taking him for a blood test, would it be necessary for the child to remind his dad that he had a blood test as obviously he is man and can't be expected to remember. And if the dad did forget would it be ok for him to unleash a barrage of abuse on his child because he didn't remind him?

Why is it ok to do this with his partner? Its not like the OP demanded that her OH drive her he offered and then forgot, and she did remind him the night before.

If this had been me and DH happened to be home, he would probably have come with me and then we would have gone for coffee and cake, because that is what a supportive partner would do.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 20:12

@pallisers That description tells us so little of their conversation, though. To him, it may well seem as if OP was testing him - when he realised where she had been, I can understand him being a bit "why the f*uck didn't you call me or stop me leaving? I had completely forgotten..." - projecting his own frustration. I would have said the same sort of thing! If he doesn't make it up to her tonight, though... he needs to realise now that what she has been through can lead to a bit of testing and a lot of easy hurt. He needs to grow a pair and apologise - but all these calls for her to dismiss him right now are just awful.

Doodlesquah1 · 05/03/2020 20:12

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through all this OP. Hoping for good outcomes for you Flowers YANBU at all about your OH, he should have remembered and should’ve been more apologetic without blaming you. Flowers

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 20:13

And the OP did call it a "barrel of abuse" (not barrage). Just saying Wink

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2020 20:14

Was that necessary Happygoldfinch? Does that make you feel big?

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 20:16

@ineedaholidaynow As with other posters, good for you and your partner, but some of our partners are awful at organising things. The scenario you describe with the child's blood test - not a million miles away from what happened in my family last week! My husband did not blame the child, though. A spousal relationship is very different, though - we are not so guarded, so your comparison doesn't quite appreciate the complexities of this, I don't think.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 20:18

@ineedaholidaynow No - I was called up on it in an earlier post, and was annoyed with myself for getting it wrong, then went to all the (childish!) trouble of going back to the OP's post to check! That took some time, so I thought I would mention it, but I've come across as a pedantic shit, I think you're right! Apologies!