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AIBU?

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Original poster

He forgot cancer appointment

196 replies

brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:42

Hi all! Am going through worrying time with my health at moment. After all clear for cervical cancer a few weeks ago i had to go for blood test today to check for signs of ovarian cancer. I told OH appointment was booked 3 days ago and have obviously been really worried about it. OH is not working at present as he is self emplyed in weather dependant job, and said he would take me to appointment. He then went out for the day early and when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today. I dont often ask for his help or time but had explained how important and worrying this was for me. I feel not only like i am not getting the support i need with this but i am also getting abuse for objecting to him "forgetting" when he has known how worried i am about this.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 05/03/2020 18:03

Utter bollocks that embarrassment at forgetting or stress over work is justification or a reason for abusing a partner. Raise your standards fgs.

JellyLlama · 05/03/2020 18:06

OP, I had breast cancer last year and since being diagnosed, DP has been great at coming to the appointments with me. However, he's useless for emotional support. When I first told him I had cancer, he pretty much shrugged it off as one of those things. He's got better at practical support, but it needed spelling out in the early stages.

Make it clear what you expect from him in terms of support. As a minimum he should making your life easier not more stressful. If he can't help you through this difficult time, then he is being unreasonable, not you.

LowcaAndroidow · 05/03/2020 18:07

@Largeyellowdaffodil - it's pretty clear the thread is about his abusive behaviour not the blood test itself Confused

florascotia2 · 05/03/2020 18:08

OP first and foremost, I am very sorry that you are having to endure this stressful time. I hope all will be well.

What I am about to say may not apply to your DH/DP. But the point that Lweji makes has been overlooked so far and - to my mind - is very important. If your DH/DP is normally an uncaring idiot then of course you will be hurt and very, very upset. Rightly so. But if he is a man of a certain age/from a certain tradition, then his reaction may well be a clumsy (and to you most unhelpful) sign that he is terrified too. A friend of mine once said 'if you tell your loving partner that you have a problem, then he probably feels duty bound to try and solve it for you. And if he can't do it, he feels very, very bad. And one way of him coping (for himself) is to try to deny it.'

Now, of course I'm not saying that that is a good thing. And it might not be the case with you and your DH/DP. But from observation, I really do think that it sometimes happens. If your DH/DP is normally otherwise caring, then it might just be a possibility. But only you can tell. In any case, it won't - alas - be very helpful to you.

Largeyellowdaffodil · 05/03/2020 18:09

@Largeyellowdaffodil - it's pretty clear the thread is about his abusive behaviour not the blood test itself

The thread is called- He forgot cancer appointment

But the Op described a blood test appointment- very emotive language.

Seaweed42 · 05/03/2020 18:09

Why did you not remind him that is was today? Is that not the sensible thing to do.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 18:10

I didnt ask him to go, he offered. Have always gone to his appointments with him as moral support as he has always wanted me to when offered. I dont think the same treatment in return is a massive ask. I think not expecting to get abuse over is also not unreasonable

OP posts:
Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:12

SunshineCake - it was just a blood test that he forgot about. He hasn't abused OP. All the posters on here suggesting that OP should consider her relationship are offering toxic advice that could shatter a healthy relationship over a very small thing. You all need to wind your necks in, re-read her post, and see that It Was Just A Blood Test.

LowcaAndroidow · 05/03/2020 18:12

@Largeyellowdaffodil Can't really see any relevance to you personally feeling it's a minor appointment?

The OP was anxious about it.
He offered to take her.
He forgot.
He tried to turn it round and blame the OP for it.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 18:13

Having told him again last night i felt it was covered

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2020 18:13

I'm sorry but I think you are over reacting by using the word 'cancer appointment''.

The C125 blood test won't show a result on the day.

If you'd been called for an ultrasound and were to be given the result there and then, that would be different.

As someone who had an ovarian cyst which was monitored with an internal ultrasound every 4 months for 2 years, I didn't want or expect my DH to go with me. I did every appt on my own.

The odds you have cancer are I assume very small and ruling something out rather than actively looking for it- there is a difference.

I hope you get a negative result anyway.

NomDeDieu · 05/03/2020 18:13

I am waiting for some posters to come and tell the OP that he has gone through hell supporting her with cervical cancer, being worried etc... so he couldn’t possibly cope with the idea of having to deal with another major illness....

@brushingwateruphill, I’m sorry he has been a twat.
I think you need a chat. Not today though as he clearly is feeling quite ‘upset’ and ‘righteous’ about the fact it’s your fault.
But maybe tomorrow, you need a chat on how hurtful he has been, how him ‘forgetting’ is a huge deal for you, and even more so the way he reacted to him forgetting, how it has broken the trust you had he would have your back when things are shit.

I wouldn’t advice to just LTB just now. But maybe he needs to hear that, for you, this has been that bad that it could well be a deal breaker.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:14

Why did you not remind him that morning that he had promised to drive you to the test? My husband is useless at remembering anything out of his routine.

Chiochan · 05/03/2020 18:14

Who the hell voted yabu?!

champagneandfromage50 · 05/03/2020 18:14

It was a blood test to check for markers of cancer. A blood test which the OP was anxious about , her DP offered to take her and despite conversations about it he forgot. He has got angry with OP about him forgetting and blaming her for not reminding him.... the OP is worried about the results and needs support from her DP

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2020 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LuluJakey1 · 05/03/2020 18:15

How long have you been together?

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2020 18:16

@champagneandfromage50 Yes it looks for markers but she doesn't get the result for days or weeks.

I was given the same test unexpectedly when a scan showed a cyst and I didn't even think about it really. Certainly didn't call it a 'cancer appointment'.

If you knew someone he had cancer as my DH did, you might get some perspective.

Her0utdoors · 05/03/2020 18:17

That's the kind of nasty shit I've put up with for far too long. I'm divorcing the self centered petty waste of space.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 18:17

Thank you for actually getting the point of this post

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 05/03/2020 18:17
Flowers

Getting the bloods drawn for CA125 is the most straightforward bit.

What is happening about getting your results? And have you already got a scan booked?

Aussiegirl123456 · 05/03/2020 18:17

Daffodil... He offered to take her, he then didn't. He then became abusive when he realised his mistake. It's not about the blood test at all, it's about him offering something and then forgetting. Then instead of apologising for his mistake (mistakes happen), he became abusive. That's not OK.

The OP isn't making a "fuss about a blood test" as you put it, she's been let down at a time when he offered to take her. He offered! Whether it's an 'insignificant' blood test or getting results shouldn't matter, he didn't do what he said he'd do. The abuse is unforgivable. OP, you haven't said if he's often like this or not?

And sorry daffodil that you've been involved in many cancer appointments recently, that's awful and my thoughts are with you.

Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:17

...and as he left for work, you must have realised that he had forgotten and not got it covered? Not reminding him seems quite cruel - men forget things. I can see his point for being annoyed when he got home. You could have saved this whole situation by a) reassuring him that you didn't need him at a blood test and b) when he offered to take you, at least reminding him as he left for work so he didn't feel like a twat.

NomDeDieu · 05/03/2020 18:17

@JinglingHellsBells, the OP has NEVER asked her DH to come with her.
She said she was worried (who wouldn't be, whether you have the results in the day or not). And HER DH proposed to take her to the appointment and then promptly forgot.

I would have been upset at my DH forgetting to take me to ANY appointment he had volunteer to take me to tbh. Esp if said appointment had been talked about the evening before.

Also good on you to have gone to all the appointments in your own. But ovarian cancer is not always a case of ‘just monitoring’ for a while far from. And you are not the OP.
There is no competition on who is able to cope with the most crap all on their own....

champagneandfromage50 · 05/03/2020 18:20

MadamePewter I agree with you about the 'cancer appointment'as it wasn't. I have been to many specific appointments as my DH was on the two week oncology referral and was found to have two cancers and these involved ultra sounds, biopsy's , samples from the neck limp which could be tested the same day. So I do understand the difference. I think the main thing here is the OP is anxious and need support from her DP

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